Parents won’t move to home of their own

[HappySoon]

We were placed under pressure by my father and were forced to move him and my mother into our home on a temporary basis while we looked for somewhere for them to live independently. They are self funding and have the money to live somewhere lovely and comfortable. We have identified lots of places and they have rejected them all and are still here six months later. They say they are very unhappy living with us and make that very obvious all the time but won’t do anything about it. They have completely taken over our home and made our lives impossible but I can’t find a solution. I became ill and had contact from a social prescriber but they couldn’t help because this is seen as a private family matter. Just wondered if anyone could give me any advice as we are all going under 😟

Give them a date and tell (not ask) them to leave by then.
It may damage your relationship with them but it sounds like that’s happening already

If they have the money to buy, they can rent until they buy. You and your partner need to present a firm front, together, and say 'enough' .

Thank you - yes I know I need to set a deadline but they are in their mid-eighties and seem to have become more frail over the last year. However they could easily live somewhere with support available if required in addition to the help I would be able to give them. My concern would be what happens if they don’t - not sure I would be comfortable evicting my own parents! Thank you for taking the time to respond.

I think a PP has the right answer - organise somewhere for them to rent whilst they look for a permenant home.

If they complain that they don't like the rental you can always say "well it's not forever, it's just till you find somewhere you want to buy". Bet they get a move on then.

Really though, it sounds as though they just want to live with you and have moved in by stealth.

Thank you for your reply. Ironically we are looking for rental as when this originally all started they said buying would take too long.

Put your house on the market and explain that's why the need to leave ASAP.

Desperate times.

Do you have POA for them as it seems their cognitive skills are declining so best to get that put in place.

Yes - we wondered about the stealth element but if that is the case you’d have thought they would make the most of it instead of displaying a level of distress all the time. These responses are helping me think things through - maybe they are just frightened of doing something they have never done before. Thank you

This contradiction in their behaviour is why you need POA they are either being very manipulative and want you to run around and pander to their every whim or they just aren't capable of rationally agreeing to a suitable place.

I wonder if they don't actually feel capable of living independently at this stage?

You may have reached a stage where they are going to be vocally unhappy with any solution you propose (living with you, getting their own place, supported living, residential care). But if they are mid eighties and have visibly declined over the last year, setting them up independently may be exceptionally time consuming and short lived.

I agree with the previous poster who said they have deliberately tricked you into this, I would play them at their own game and trick them out of it!

Thank you everyone . They have ignored me every time I have suggested a POA. In fact since last June they were also refusing a care needs assessment. I appreciate this is a really unusual situation. I had hoped that I could find someone independent to act as their advocate but that doesn’t seem to be something that exists. In any event they would probably carry on rejecting everything………. Really grateful for everyone’s input

I would speak to social services and say that you will be evicting them and they need a social working urgently.

Sounds like they need a place with a warden and they can self-fund.

I think you need to get very tough with them and social services.

This is extremely unfair on you @HappySoon, you should not have to sacrifice your health and wellbeing.

instead of displaying a level of distress all the time

This is not normal. Doesn't sound like manipulation to me, but some sort of cognitive decline.

I don't think that renting somewhere for them to live independently at this age will be very successful, unfortunately. But getting them to realise that sounds very tricky.

I'd contact Age UK for help, or your parents' GP - they might be able to do a home visit (?) or suggest a care assessment.

Have they told you what causes such distress at your home? Have they said what they want? I agree you can’t continue but you could all move to a bigger house with an annex since they have plenty of money. Are you an only child?

The distress seems to be about wanting their own space @Charlieiscool although in actual fact it feels like this is their space as they seem to put themselves first and we are the ones who have to adapt and live around them. Maybe they have always been like this but kept it hidden when we visited - who knows.

Renting seems like the obvious solution. It avoids all the hassle of buying, and might make them feel less likes it's a scary irreversible decision.

Do they not want to move to a retirement community? Some are quite good but one has to beware of hidden costs and difficulty selling but at their age they are surely not suited to make a move to buy or rent and set up a new home living completely independently? Should they be near GPs, hospitals, public transport, supermarkets etc? If they really want to find a property with no support make them look on Rightmove every day for at least an hour. Give them a white board to write details of properties and areas to view, that they have seen etc. something to show they are really trying. Are they able to drive themselves? To give them a push you might say you are thinking of moving too - perhaps abroad?

I think they probably can't see how selfish and blinkered they are being, humans as they age, particularly getting into the 80s, seem to have this tendency to be unable to see the needs of others.
I think it's probably because cognitively they do not have the 'oomph' to keep all the plates spinning, to be firing on all cylinders etc
You might have to become a kind of 'oldie whisperer' to manoeuvre them into doing what's in everyone's best interests 👀

It has been assisted living that we have been looking at @tara66 . I am beginning to think as several people have referred to cognitive ability that it may be part of this i.e. knowing you are not happy with your situation but only being able to create obstacles rather than make progress

I think you need to create an event/reason as to why it is happening and as they've turned down 4 they will have to take the next one offered.

Therefore you make the decision of what is best for them and get it done. They probably can't actually rationally decide which is best and why.

Tell them it's that or a nursing home??

Have they been to view any of the assisted living places?

My grandmother was never happy, but I realise with hindsight she was very manipulative and good at playing the victim. The only way she ever agreed to anything was when the next available choice was even worse, and then she'd do a spectacular u-turn and delight in telling everyone how wonderful something was, even though she'd previously dug in and refused for months.

You need a deadline, a catalyst to force the change, such and a 'special offer' for want of a better change on a rental, or perhaps even major renovation works coming in your own home (even if they then get mysteriously delayed... ).

One way or another it sounds like you will fall out with them, so you may as well rip the plaster off asap and then start to rebuild the bridges.

Was a similar situation with my Gran, she refused to even go look at any places at all despite being cramped in a flat with my uncle and his adult daughter. In the end my aunts n uncles got together and went over her head, they somehow got her a flat at an assisted living place. I don't know how as I was only in my early teens at the time.
My Gran was livid as they sent her to our house for the weekend while they moved all her stuff into the new place. Picked her up on the Sunday afternoon to take her home and basically told her in the carpark of the assisted living what they had done. I wish I could have seen the fallout, she was a formidable and scary woman was my Gran when angered.
Roll on a few months though and she couldn't praise assisted living enough, wished she had moved there years earlier as it turns out several of her friends lived there and she actually knew one of the wardens (grand daughter of a friend) so she often dropped in for a cuppa and a chat.
The place she was at also had a communal centre with a library, a games room - cards, chess, drafts and they had bingo night, were connected with local lawn bowls groups, ran classes for knitting, crochet, age appropriate exercise etc and they even organised coach trips which were free for residents.

Hope you manage to come up with something with minimal fallout between you and your parents OP.

Could you use some reverse psychology to get them into rented? Eg. 'We're aware you're really unhappy here because it's not your own place. We've found a lovely rental for just the two of you and know you'd be so much happier there as it would be yours... No, no, please don't thank us, we are happy to put the effort in as we know you will be sooooo much happier!! '

Could they pay you a high rent for them to remain in your house and you and your family move out of your own home and be the ones to go elsewhere? As ridiculous as that sounds, maybe they need ti be somewhere they know.