Parents won’t move to home of their own

[HappySoon]

We were placed under pressure by my father and were forced to move him and my mother into our home on a temporary basis while we looked for somewhere for them to live independently. They are self funding and have the money to live somewhere lovely and comfortable. We have identified lots of places and they have rejected them all and are still here six months later. They say they are very unhappy living with us and make that very obvious all the time but won’t do anything about it. They have completely taken over our home and made our lives impossible but I can’t find a solution. I became ill and had contact from a social prescriber but they couldn’t help because this is seen as a private family matter. Just wondered if anyone could give me any advice as we are all going under 😟

If there is an element of cognitive decline they have probably reached the stage where they can't make a decision on anything major. There are plenty of things my mum has been pondering for 3 or 4 years now that previously she would have made a quick decision and been full steam ahead. One of them is the massive decision of which replacement pond pump to buy - since April 2020. In the meantime all the fish have died and my offers of help have been rejected because she is still pondering what she wants.

My father was like that, by the time he’d finished considering the account he was going to move some money into, it had closed to new investment. When I took over managing his savings I did it only with his agreement that I would not discuss individual investments with him. I thought it was just him (Chartered Engineer - you wouldn’t want an engineer to go in for snap decisions) but maybe it was cognitive decline.

How do the conversations go OP? does your father have a history of putting pressure on you, and you go along with him?

Are they involved in choosing the places you go to view?

What do you mean by ‘someone independent to advocate for them?’ Do you mean someone to find them a place to live, when they are not at the stage of needing residential or nursing care?

I think you need to take control here.

Sit down and have a conversation along the lines of - they need their own place, and you wnat them out by end of April. So here is the plan.
You will find 3 places for them to look at and they choose one, or find one themselves.
If they don't choose one, then you will choose one for them and move them in at the end of April.

They may fuss, but stand firm - you are not happy here, you need your own space, we need to get you moved.

I suspect they is a huge amount of resistance becuase it is too much/too big a move.

@Chocchops72 Yes they have been involved in everything but the obstacles are then dreamed up once we have viewed and want to move forward. I think I thought they would be less likely to mess somebody independent around but who knows?

Thanks @steppemum I found all this support so helpful and had the conversation today which focussed on “there are numerous options but staying here isn’t one of them” (in the nicest possible way). I am indeed aiming for the end of April as that gives plenty of time. Who would have thought that the advice of a whole group of people I don’t even know could be so fantastic. I just needed people to remind me that I’m not the bad guy in all this 😍

You have my utmost sympathies. One thing I would say is that you need to reclaim your home to reduce the stress on you and your dp. Your parents aren't happy anyway (or so they say) so I wouldn't worry about upsetting them further. They for around you, not vice versa.

Well done @HappySoon

You are simply going to have to do something. It will be unpleasant yes but it's unpleasant now. You have said they have taken over your home. Simply take it back.

You've done brilliantly.

We all reach a point where, sometimes only with hindsight, we realise that being happy is not an achievable goal for your parents. (It sometimes happens anyway but frankly only by accident). They are old, frail, struggling and have lost or are losing the ability to think through options and take action. This is not a happy situation.

Therefore you have to do your best for them to be in a good situation where contentment is at least theoretically possible, and where you get to have a life too. This may involve taking on the 'bossy daughter' role far more than you ever thought you would.

Don't be surprised if you have to have that conversation a lot more often than you thought you would, and essentially have to make the next stage happen.

I think that people when they are older and losing faculties can be complaining and difficult partly because they are unhappy with their lot ie the fact they have lost their skills, strength, ability to amuse themselves due to their age. They may also have lost friends and family and have failing health.
So they see their situation as worse than everyone else around them so expect sympathy and attention.
Which means you can't expect them to come round to your sensible ideas and they probably need pushed to accept them.

I feel for you. We had PIL for 6 months until January. It was awful.

Be aware that the situation can change very quickly at that age.

We found lovely sheltered accommodation and had been suggesting it to PIL for a few years but they insisted they didn't need it.

Then FIL had a predictable fall and started to lose his marbles while in hospital. By discharge he was too far gone for the sheltered housing to accept them. MIL was increasingly forgetful too.

Long story short they are in a lovely but eye-wateringly expensive care home with dementia care.

Had they moved into sheltered housing when we asked, they would still have been there, albeit with lots of support.

I'd tell your parents that they need to pick somewhere sharpish while they can still choose. If they suddenly deteriorate, which happens a lot, they will loose that choice.

Had they moved into sheltered housing when we asked, they would still have been there, albeit with lots of support. Probably not. Falls can happen anywhere, as can rapid deterioration.

Op first of all, sympathies, it’s an awful situation. I had one very similar where a relative moved in “temporarily” and it quickly emerged they weren’t capable of moving out and stayed a year in the end. It nearly broke me. I also felt like a guest in my own home. It’s a horrible feeling

I would say, based on my very capable mom the same age as yours, there is no way she would be able to find a new house by herself without me and my sister basically doing it all for her. It would completely overwhelm her. I think you’re going to have to find the house and organise the move yourself. Just go it yourself. Because the longer this goes on, the harder they will find the thought of doing it themselves.

That is an idea though it does seem a bit much for the op and her husband to have to move if they don't want to, albeit not forever. However, it's a thought.

Something else that occurred to me was a home extension; that might take a bit of time but it would be something for everyone to look forward to, a light at the end of the tunnel.

It is possible to have things installed in your own home to assist you when elderly, including buttons to press to alert emergency services, you don't have to go into assisted living premises.

(All this may have been already discussed, I admit to only reading page one so far and will read the second page in a minute.)

PS: I note the last post from the op was on 22nd March and we are now well into June. I wonder how things are progressing.

Thanks for your interest. I do indeed have an update………. they moved into their own home last Thursday. It’s early days and we are all exhausted but at least we have achieved that at last. Happy now! 😀

That’s great!

Good new

I'm very pleased for you all, op, and am sure they will settle down with your help.

Find a rental, put down deposit and book a van. Tell them the date they are moving and that is it. You’ll have to be firm as things are not shifting.

RTFT.

I think at this stage I would revert back to my way of living rather than making allowances. This is your home too after all. If they complain about it the let them know they are welcome look for alternatives
Do they do their own cooking and washing etc?
It must be such a difficult situation- they’re your parents after all but there’s danger of your relationship being ruined the longer things go on.

Sorry just seen the update 🫢