Paid carer refusing to meet with family

[EssexInnit]

Hi there

I wonder if anyone can help.

My 84 yo Dad lives with a woman (in her home) who cares for him. He moved in with her in October 2020 after suffering a mini-stroke. He pays her £1000 a month. I've no idea if this is relevant.

They are companions (I've no idea if there's more to it). So as not to drip feed my Mum and Dad split 3 years ago and his companion is their old neighbour.

She has consistently said from the start of this arrangement that she is at her wits end, that she cannot cope and that Dad needs to go into respite care. When I ask her what she wants, she won't tell me.

She is unwilling to engage with me to let me know what is going on with my Dad though and so far I've booked and had to cancel two places in respite homes because it appears she blocks it.

I call my Dad often (he's three hours away by car) and I've been to visit, but because he has early onset dementia I don't feel I can take what he says he wants at face value.

I don't even know at this point if he can stay there any more.

My question is: Does she have a duty of care to work to communicate with us?

My brother and I have full Power of Attorney.

Thanks in advance if anyone has any wisdom.

Is your POA for health and welfare?

Assuming yes…If your dad’s dementia is at a stage where he can’t make a fully informed, weighed up decision for himself about his care arrangements eg. respite, then those decisions lie with you and your brother, not his friend/companion/partner/carer. Although you should take into account her views as she’s a key person in his life (if she won’t share her views with you what can you do?). And your dads own wishes and feelings should be central.

If he still has capacity about respite then he has to consent to go.

I don’t think she is obliged to engage with you if he has capacity into the arrangements… but if his capacity to make decisions is questionable she should not be making any decisions on his behalf.

And if his capacity into the arrangements with her is questionable then really as his legal representatives I think yes she should be sharing information with you. A formal paid carer from an agency would have to.
It’s a bit more complicated as the nature of the relationship and how much care she’s expected to give him is a bit unclear.

Is she his paid self employed carer?
Are they partners cohabiting and he’s merely contributing to the rent?
Is she his landlord?

As you have poa I would contact social services and his g.p to express your concerns, does he have mental capacity to agree to paying her this amount and is happy to live with her. She has no legal right to stop you arranging alternative arrangements or respite. Has he signed a contract with her to pay rent and care, is she dbs checked, registered as a carer, had training, declaring her income. If she claims that she cannot cope she should have told you and got social services involved with a care needs assessment.

Can you contact their local council? Vulnerable adults dept.

Surely you are entitled to a welfare check at the very least?
Maybe the police would be interested if she is being his gate keeper...
She may have an ulterior motive.

What makes you think she is blocking respite as opposed to him not wanting to go? (Very common)
Seems odd for her to block it if she’s saying she’s struggling to cope

Has dad said he thinks he needs more care or is happy to have assessments. Have you and your brother been able to discuss this with him and asked him what he wants to do.

Thanks everyone.

The problem is I have no idea what her agenda is.

It might be money as he's now sold his house, but I just don't know. It's definitely about control, but I don't know why.

I'm going to look at the POAs we have more closely to see when/if we could reasonably step in.

She is a very critical person and encourages my Dad to think that we are terrible children who have no clue what we're doing. I'm pretty sure she's a narcissist. She's incredibly rude to me and Dad says nothing.

As I understand it, my Dad isn't the first old person she's cared for in her home for money.

It's all such a mess.

I have at least got her to agree to talk to me when I visit Dad on Tuesday, which is something.

I would record the conversation with her and you need to speak to dad on his own to try and find out what he wants to do. You can raise a concern with his gp and social services at any time.

Getting to grips with the POA is crucial. If you have finance POA, get his agreement to pay bills for him 'to save him the legwork'. For my mum I had to visit a branch of her bank with the original POA document and masses of ID, then eventually I got phone and online access to view her accounts. Initially I just looked at the account so that i was sure all was well and could reassure her if she got worried. 2 years later she's completely lost mental capacity so I now manage her affairs.

So for example that way you could suggest employing another carer to give this woman a break, or could organise respite care. It sounds like she should have a break ASAP.

@PermanentTemporary

Getting to grips with the POA is crucial. If you have finance POA, get his agreement to pay bills for him 'to save him the legwork'. For my mum I had to visit a branch of her bank with the original POA document and masses of ID, then eventually I got phone and online access to view her accounts. Initially I just looked at the account so that i was sure all was well and could reassure her if she got worried. 2 years later she's completely lost mental capacity so I now manage her affairs.

So for example that way you could suggest employing another carer to give this woman a break, or could organise respite care. It sounds like she should have a break ASAP.

Thank you.

I'm so pleased to have found this board.

I've been feeling like I'm going mad.

I guess it's a hilarious trick Mother Nature plays that the menopause, kids doing A Levels and concerns about elderly parents all come at the same time?

Have you Googled her? Is she qualified? Declaring her home being used for business purposes with the local council? Hmrc?

I'd stop paying her and take over his full finances this will probably be the only way to get her to engage with you.

It might be a good idea if you took over his finances for his benefit so he doesn't need to worry about it, she needs to itemise what he is paying for, any benefits he get.

Most finance POAs will allow you to step in even when he still has capacity. So I totally agree with trying to get access to his bank accounts now even if not take over completely, just so you can monitor activity.

The health and welfare lasting power of attorney kicks in for health and welfare decisions (including respite care and general care arrangements) when he lacks capacity to make these decisions. BUT you cannot just steamroll over his wishes eg. if this woman is someone he likes and trusts and wants to live with, you have to take that into account.

If you have any concern or inkling that she might have ulterior motives eg. financial then report it to the local adult social services as a potential safeguarding concern and they would take it from there.

As an aside, it sounds like a pretty unwise move to sell his home and move in with her. He is now cash rich and would have to fund all his own care whereas if he stayed in his own home depending on his savings he may well have been entitled to help funding care at home.

@User2638483

Most finance POAs will allow you to step in even when he still has capacity. So I totally agree with trying to get access to his bank accounts now even if not take over completely, just so you can monitor activity.

The health and welfare lasting power of attorney kicks in for health and welfare decisions (including respite care and general care arrangements) when he lacks capacity to make these decisions. BUT you cannot just steamroll over his wishes eg. if this woman is someone he likes and trusts and wants to live with, you have to take that into account.

If you have any concern or inkling that she might have ulterior motives eg. financial then report it to the local adult social services as a potential safeguarding concern and they would take it from there.

As an aside, it sounds like a pretty unwise move to sell his home and move in with her. He is now cash rich and would have to fund all his own care whereas if he stayed in his own home depending on his savings he may well have been entitled to help funding care at home.

At the point he sold his home he thought he'd be buying a sheltered housing place with care bought in, so he needed the capital.

It may be worth speaking to the Alzheimer's Society through their Dementia Connect service for more information about what the options are for his local care and support. It would add another pair of eyes on his situation who could raise safeguarding concerns if necessary.

Did your parents legally divorce?

@cptartapp

Did your parents legally divorce?

Yes the decree absolute came through last year.

@WhoWants2Know

It may be worth speaking to the Alzheimer's Society through their Dementia Connect service for more information about what the options are for his local care and support. It would add another pair of eyes on his situation who could raise safeguarding concerns if necessary.

Thank you.

All these suggestions are so helpful.

I'll know more after we've met on Tuesday.

I've got questions that I'm going to try and get solid answers to so that everyone's on the same page (hate that expression!). I'll also try and agree with her that she starts giving us regular updates.

I think Dad would like to stay there with occasional respite. I think she wants him to come and live near me full time. She may have only said that though out of spite.

She seems very put out that my brother and I have power of attorney.

Red flags for me would be,
she isn't happy you and db have POA, that is not her concern and I would inform safeguarding team and the OPG just in case she tries to persuade him to change it to her

she has stated she is at her wits end and wants him to live near to you. She could resent him being there, this could result in him not
getting the care and support he really needs. I would go along with him moving near to you if he agrees

what happens if he stays with her and she becomes ill, wants to move, dies? he will have nowhere to go

if she puts up any barriers about having a social services/doctor/district nurse assess him then he is at risk of harm, she may not want these people in her house but its in both their interests and she could refuse

good luck on Tuesday

I would also worry that she could refuse to have him back if he does go into respite and also could make it a condition he hand over poa to stay there

It does sound like she saw your Dad as a golden ticket to money and it didn't occur to her that you would already have POA and his capital would be safely tucked away.

Please ensure he is flagged with SS as a vulnerable adult and you are concerned about financial abuse and neglect as she won't engage with you and won't let him go into respite care.

I think she needs to tell him and you that she doesnt feel she can look after him, is struggling and thinks it would be better if he moves nearer to you. Its not in either of their interests for him to live where he is not welcome and he is understandably very vulnerable at the moment.

If you have POA how does she have any authority to block the move to a home?

She can just say he doesnt want to move, poa only comes into force when he has lost capacity which needs to be confirmed.