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Elderly parents
Original poster

My mum has pancreatic cancer

44 replies

ShouldersBackChestOutChinUp · 07/11/2021 10:32

She's 89. Very frail. Sudden decline in strength and appetite. She can't even lift her tablets to her mouth or turn over in bed.

I've yet to speak to the consultant but what usually happens? Is she too weak for treatment at this age?

I just feel a bit desperate and sad. I mean she's old but this is still a shock.

OP posts:
WakeUpLockie · 07/11/2021 10:33

Oh I’m so sorry 💕💕💕 someone will answer you soon but I’m sending love.

BarefootHippieChick · 07/11/2021 10:39

I'm so sorry OP. I honestly don't know if her age will make a difference. Do you know what stage she's been diagnosed with?

FlorenceNightshade · 07/11/2021 10:45

@ShouldersBackChestOutChinUp so sorry about your mum Flowers
You’re not going to know what’s what until you speak to the consultant. Do you have an appointment to speak either in person on phone? If not I’d arrange that ASAP. If she’s in hospital the ward staff can help arrange that, if she’s not then call tomorrow and speak to his/her secretary.
There are so many varying factors that will determine the course of treatment and plan of care that it probably won’t be helpful to seek comparisons until you know what the plan is for your mum.
I hope you have some real life support but if not your local Maggies centre, Macmillan cancer support and your own gp are good places to start.
You’ve had a shock so please take care and be kind to yourself

AluckyEllie · 07/11/2021 10:47

You have my sympathy, it’s still a shock even when you know logically they don’t have huge amounts of time left. I imagine her age and frailty would mean they wouldn’t treat it- chemo has some horrible side effects that it probably would make her quality of life worse. It sounds like she’s bedbound, so repeated trips into hospital aren’t going to be in her best interest.

Speak to the consultant, speak to the Macmillan nurse and ask what to expect/timeframes. Does she have carers at the moment or is she in a care home? Sorry this probably sounds very practical and a bit heartless but I am well practiced in the logistics and being prepared for future needs is the best advice I can offer.

Original poster
ShouldersBackChestOutChinUp · 07/11/2021 15:51

It's described as 'advanced' and in her liver and vowel too. This was from a doctor on the ward and not a consultant. I'll speak to a consultant tomorrow. It looks pretty bad.

OP posts:
GuyFawkesAppreciationClub · 07/11/2021 16:00

It's described as 'advanced' and in her liver and vowel too. This was from a doctor on the ward and not a consultant. I'll speak to a consultant tomorrow. It looks pretty bad.

I'm so sorry for you and your DM Thanks

I found with my DF they were very reluctant to tell us it was terminal and I had to ask very direct questions. We wanted to know as we'd all guessed it was and he's repeatedly expressed a wish to go to the local Hospice. Luckily we were able to secure a room fir him there and the staff were very good with him. We could visits whenever we wanted which meant a lot but this was pre-Covid.

So maybe asking directly if it's terminal and what the plan is might help you to decide what needs doing next Thanks

Original poster
ShouldersBackChestOutChinUp · 07/11/2021 16:15

I just don't understand how someone can lose so much muscle mass in their whole body so quickly.

OP posts:
TheVanguardSix · 07/11/2021 16:18

Oh you poor love. I will be blunt- having had a brother die from pancreatic cancer in April (he was 52): It does sound too late. It would be considered terminal and it's pretty much all about comfort and love at this point. Treatment for pancreatic cancer, if possible, is pretty much a sledgehammer approach and you have to be quite physically strong for it. And even then, it's a cancer with a 5-year survival rate at the very, very, very best (unless it's the very rare, slower growing type of pancreatic cancer... and given your mum's physical condition, I would say that, very sadly, she's not in a good place if she can't really move. She likely has the more common and aggressive form of pancreatic cancer). My brother survived 4 years to the day pretty much. Diagnosed on the 17th of April 2017, died the 14th of April this year. He'd had a Whipples surgery which is what gave him those extra years.

That said, there are chemo options if she's up to it. But it would be pretty rough for her. I don't mean to sound heartless, but of all the cancers, pancreatic is just one that can't be sugarcoated. It is an utterly shitty cancer because it is really just a taker. Some cancers you can overcome. Pancreatic is, tragically, not one of them.

I'm terribly sad that you have found yourself in this place with your beloved mum. I do hope that she can be given much comfort and joy at the close of her life.
I found Pancreatic Cancer Action a good and supportive website.

HoikingUpMyBigGirlPantss · 07/11/2021 17:52

Unfortunately symptoms of pancreatic cancer are often vague and its often only diagnosed at late stage after it has spread to other organs. Do request a call with your DMs consultant and you may have to be prepared to ask some blunt questions Flowers.
My 86 year old DF was diagnosed after nearly a year of initially presenting with diabetes type 2. He then lost 4 stone and developed jaundice and was very unwell indeed. Investigations uncovered the cancer - unfortunately too late for whipple's surgery. However he was able to have stents in his bile duct and creon enzyme tablets to help him absorb nutrients from his food that gave him an additional 9 months with us.
His neighbour was also diagnosed with pancreatic cancer at the same time (but with an earlier diagnosis and able to have whipples surgery) and survived a year longer than DF.

Roselilly36 · 07/11/2021 18:20

So sorry OP Flowers

BarefootHippieChick · 07/11/2021 18:24

I'm going to echo what others have said about pancreatic being the worst cancer out there. It's not about curing it, just prolonging life a little when it gets to the advanced stage. Ask the oncologist to be brutally honest with you, at least then you'll be armed with all the facts. I had a very good friend in his 40s die from it, unfortunately he had many other complications which meant his life was far, far too short after his diagnosis. The macmillan unit were absolutely amazing and very accommodating to family and friends, even during covid times. Sending you hugs and strength 🧡

CorrBlimeyGG · 07/11/2021 18:36

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I was amazed at how quickly my dad lost muscle mass too, I'd read you can lose up to 20% for every week of being in bed, but to see it happen in front of you, it feels like a lot more.

Is your mum able to take her medication with assistance? If she's still struggling, ask about alternatives, either liquid form or IV.

SleafordSods · 09/11/2021 18:44

Have you had to opportunity to talk to the Doctor yet @ShouldersBackChestOutChinUp?

KateF · 09/11/2021 18:51

I'm very sorry but I think you should make the most of the time you have left as it's unlikely treatment will be an option. My mother was diagnosed at October half term and given a prognosis of about 6 months. She deteriorated incredibly quickly and died on December 18th. I do so hope you have longer together and hope you have support for both of you.

Original poster
ShouldersBackChestOutChinUp · 10/11/2021 14:14

@KateF yes, I think you're right.

Her decline was so rapid. She seems to have rallied a bit now. Is eating ok and drinking coffee in the hospital.

The oncologist was loathe to put a time frame on her remaining time. I mean it has spread to her liver and bowel too. Awful.

She'll come out of hospital soon and there'll be a care package in place apparently.

OP posts:
Dora26 · 10/11/2021 14:24

My Mum is 90 and in a nursing home - mild dementia. We have had The Conversation as the home encouraged us while she was reasonably compis mentis (sp?). There is no way we 5 would put her through chemo but she decided this also for herself. Just palliative care - and lots of it. Don’t feel you have to make the decision - talk to your Mum about her wishes. Take care.

Sandseasurfsun · 10/11/2021 14:38

I lost a parent in their 60’s to pancreatic cancer a few years ago and really have to echo previous posters who highlighted timescale. We only had 5 months with her after diagnosis and she was healthy and working previously. Treatment was aggressive, took over her last months and was ultimately in vain really.
Try to enjoy the time you have and start looking in to hospices sooner rather than later.

Original poster
ShouldersBackChestOutChinUp · 10/11/2021 14:59

They aren't offering treatment. There is no point, I'm told.

OP posts:
BarefootHippieChick · 10/11/2021 15:10

I'm so sorry. The oncologist won't want to put a time frame on it as it could be so much less than the time they say. While your mum seems to be okay, you need to spend as much time with her as possible, and also, as hard as it is, make sure you're aware of everything she wants, her financials, wishes etc. Unfortunately my friend thought he had plenty of time to sort the legal stuff out with his family and then he went downhill so rapidly, it was too late. I hope you have people around you for support.

Waahingwashingwashing · 10/11/2021 15:11

I am so so sorry

KateF · 10/11/2021 16:06

I'm ver sorry to see your update. I agree about looking into hospices. My mother had to stay at home because our local hospice was full coming up to Christmas with respite care. The Macmillan nurses are great but mostly it was me and my aunt who did the nursing and it was emotionally very hard. I was alone in the house with my mum when she died.
If you need any practical advice or just a shoulder to cry I'll be here.

Original poster
ShouldersBackChestOutChinUp · 10/11/2021 16:14

Thank you all for your kindness. It's not really hit me yet.

I am hoping for months and not weeks for her.

OP posts:
Original poster
ShouldersBackChestOutChinUp · 10/11/2021 16:15

But I fear that because it's described as "advanced" and in her liver, I'm being stupidly optimistic.

Bloody cancer. Bloody bloody cancer.

OP posts:
Sandseasurfsun · 10/11/2021 18:40

So sorry to read the latest. It’s a cruel disease and tough to see such a decline in a loved one. Make sure you accept all offers of help so you can spend as much time with her as you can.

SleafordSods · 10/11/2021 18:51

So sorry to read the update Thanks

Like others have said already, spend as much time as you can with your DM and if you think she would like to go into a Hospice I'd try to sort that sooner rather than waiting Thanks