Worried about Dad moving to a care home.

[Galvantula]

I mean I was worried already, but the Covid restrictions are just making it feel more awful and scary. 😓

He'll obviously need a covid test, but the bit that is worrying me is that he'll have to isolate in his room for 2 weeks. Plus we can't take him in, he'll just have to go in himself at the door with the staff.

I know it's become too much for my mum to cope with and we've all agreed it's the right thing for them both, but I'm just feeling the guilt I guess.

He has dementia and has deteriorated massively over lockdown, he's anxious to get 'home'. They've been where they are for almost 10 years, but is not right to him.

If anyone has recent experience of moving into a care home and how it went or any advice I'd appreciate it, thanks

Can you send some personal items in advance that they can put into his room? Pictures for the wall, an armchair ? It might help.

The same advice I give in all such cases - ffs make sure he's granted you Lasting Power of Attorney in Health and Welfare beforehand. Does he still have general mental capacity? If not, he can't grant you it.

You go to Gov.uk or something, download the forms, sign in right order, needs a witness. Costs about £80.

Without it, you later find you are not the decision maker for your relative's care. Being Next of Kin has no legal bearing, and nor does being self-funding.

Otherwise, you're looking at name tags for clothes (from school outfitters, dry cleaning place may be able to fix them on, best they go on the outside for pants to avoid chaffing), don't bother with taking in pricey woollen pullovers, they just go in the wash and get ruined, any lovely bedspread make sure it is labelled or it can get pinched. Lovely sentimental pricey items? Leave at home.

Scan in photos at library and get printed out at Boots, then framed. Maybe get the care home to send you a photo of his room so he can anticipate it.
They will go over a care plan. Take notice of this - in effect it's a contract between you and the home.
I found it hard to get care homes to give Mum drink - I had to suspect they had her on end-of-life care aka ending life care, like the Liverpool Care Pathway. Daily fluid intake should be raised as part of the care plan - it should be a litre a day.
IMO the care home relationship is triangular - it's between the local County Council and local NHS CCG. The family is outside the loop, they're just there to be taxed/fleeced.
That's why you need all the leverage you can get. The 'friendly chat' with the care home manager can simply mean 'We don't want this in writing, so later on you've got nothing on us.'
Of course, has he been vaccined?

All the power of attorney and other legal/ health stuff has been sorted out for years. The speed of this recent decline has just caught us out. We have made the mistake of not doing care home research in advance.

The one we are looking at is fairly close and quite small. I'll make sure we get a chance to look thoroughly at the care plan, I've seen an example one on their website. They've said they'll label his clothes for us actually.

He has an appointment for first vaccine dose in a couple of weeks.

I just feel for himand worry about the move, even though he's not happy at home just now either. I took my youngest with me today, which would normally keep him entertained for a bit. He was still so unsettled, looking to go out all the time.

Name tags - snappy tags are expensive but reusable and is pretty much a guarantee the garment is always tagged.
Take photos of all the possessions with your phone individually so you can refer to them with carers.
Start writing a list of his dislikes and favourite things and keep a back up file in your computer
A laminated immediate family tree with photos is great for the staff to chat to him about when he starts to get his personal care done. Good task for grand kids

Don't feel bad about not doing your research. When the time came for mum to go into a home, where she went was governed by who had places and choosing from those.

The staff will be experienced at this. As well as a family tree we did laminated pictures with notes about his hobbies and holidays. Again to give staff something to talk about to him.

Re. Sending personal items... MIL went into a carehome during Covid. She hasn’t been allowed to put out any personal items in her room as all surfaces are to be kept clear, so they can be sanitised easily. Anything that isn’t easily wipeable has been packed away. Even the Christmas tree was just a life size picture on the wall!

I’m sorry this is happening. MIL also declined rapidly, mentally and physically, which caught us on the hop. Moving into the home and adjusting during COVID restrictions is hard, FIL hasn’t been able to visit and she can’t manage a phone. The home are doing what they can with distanced visits and Facetime meetings, so we are making the best of that.

My dad is about to move so I'm in a similar boat. He's been in a fabulous residential home for a few years - since his dementia meant he wasn't safe to live alone. It's in the village, I know a lot of the staff, they're all local and it's been fabulous. Then he got covid and had to go into hospital. On discharge his behaviour changed so massively that the residential home can no longer meet his needs. He's still in hospital waiting for an emi covid bed somewhere in the County. Not being able to see him is heart breaking. Having no control over where he might be placed is really hard. I have no answers but you're not alone in this situation.

This week I asked a local residential home what their admission process is and residents are quarantined until the test result but they use the quick test and it's 30 minutes. I don't want to get into whether that's right or wrong, I'm just telling you what they told me. They have a room with garden access that they are using for window visits, I didn't ask whether the visitors get a tent or have to bring their own brolly

thank you all.

The laminated pics are a good idea, might get the DC involved.

Honestly, try to forget the negatives and plough on positively to keep your own spirits high. Heed the advice. A few well chosen items to start off with and a week or so later you can decide your next step. Less is probably best!
His main issue is that no one knows the real him. So you need to be clever and give the care staff immediate clues and info about him. Maybe 20 photos with labels on the back. ‘This is Dad drinking tea. He has ten cups of builder’s tea a day’. This is Dad when he toured Scotland. Driving was a passion’. All these clues will help the team get to know him faster. When they change his clothes they need to divert his attention so they will ask about the people in the photos

She hasn’t been allowed to put out any personal items in her room as all surfaces are to be kept clear, so they can be sanitised easily. That's not universal. I was able to deliver Christmas presents and a Christmas tree for his room.

My father seems to be happy in his home. He gets on well with manager, and talks to her quite a bit, and also has long talks with the cooks.The staff all know him and give a good impression of being fond of him. He's certainly in a much better physical state than we were able to maintain at home. Ours was an emergency emission, we didn't see the home beforehand or even read anything about it - it was the only place available and he went in the same afternoon. So although we struck lucky, it is possible.

I made sure that I told them his past, and gave a couple of photos in happier days. He's also doing his bit, talking about his working life (sometimes accurately, sometimes fantasy) to anyone who comes near - they arranged for him to watch an extremely technical Zoom lecture, and the carer who helped him with that now knows far more than she ever thought she wanted to know about Victorian industrial boilers

@MereDintofPandiculation

Oops you are quite right, I meant to add that this is in Scotland where they are extremely strict on rules in care homes.

When MIL went into the home, they completed a "getting to know you" info sheet, and got family to check / add to it. So names of all important family members, likes and dislikes re. food, music etc, favourite TV shows, hobbies (if they can still do them). I don't think it was laminated or anything, but at least they got a bit of info about MIL.

@miimblemomble Glad my dad's not in Scotland! Maybe he wouldn't have got Covid but he's made a complete recovery from that, and I can't see him being happy without his clutter.

Just to say if he is going into a dementia unit then isolating for two weeks may not be required. My DM is in the specialist dementia wing at her care home now and although the staff wear masks and there's loads of rapid flow testing the residents in that unit aren't socially distanced - it would be impossible.

DMIL went in during lockdown. I dropped off a bag the night before with her clothes, all labelled including underwear and socks. I dropped off things like dressing gown, slippers and framed photos of the family too.

The home agreed to put them in her room so that there might be something to anchor her to the room.

DSIL also filled in the This is me booklet and emailed it to the home and they seemed very grateful for this. She also writes to DMIL each week and we've been told that the staff read the letters to her.

It might be difficult to isolate him in his room for two weeks before he goes in though. DMIL went from a very busy ward so they must have procedures fir when the new household member hadn't been isolated.

Do you know what the visiting arrangements are for now? It might be worth booking in a visitor before he goes in.

Thanks all

Touch wood he's been ok so far and the staff seem to be trying to keep him happy. It's still sad that all we might get is a window visit soon, but I'd rather he was getting settled and cared for.

That's good news. Glad to hear the transfer went well. I think a settling in period is good. I tried to visit my mum every day after she arrived at the care home. It was very unsettling for both of us, and unhelpful for mum. She was at home there very quickly.

My siblings and I use one of the postcard apps (mine is TouchNote) to send pictures of life to our care home dweller with a quick note on the back.

It helps keep them up to date with what is going on and I suspect gives the staff something to talk about.

The apps let you choose a photo from your phone that is then printed out and posted as a physical postcard. Also good for friends who live overseas!!

My tip is to send in basic clothes machine washable and dryable, ideally elasticated waistband, order name tags (I paid £8.99 for 12 dozen) and sew in, outside of socks and underwear. Light clothing as home is likely to be heated like Caribbean but cardigans/fleece for if they feel cool.

Copies of photos are better as stuff goes missing, nothing valuable, laminating a family tree was recommended to us, means staff can work out connections. A cheap tablet is one thing that worked for us - depending on cognitive ability, even if they need a bit of help and it's stored in a safe place. Favourite snacks are good, sweets from childhood were a big favourite and we could get them dropped off, then once covid hit a member of staff was willing to pick up things (only one grandparent had dementia in our case but they went in together)

@Acovic Personalised card is a good idea, thanks! I'll try that for my father. Funkypigeon offers a photo upload if you're working from a desktop rather than a phone.

Nametags - you can try the cheat's solution of writing in indelible pen on the garment label. It's how our home does it. They need touching up now and again, but the laundry lady does that (she's very good and seems to know what belongs to who even without the label - but then there's only 4 men so not so difficult, I don't know how well she does with the 29 women).

But don't use iron-on labels, they peel off too quickly.

This does touch on a strange thing about care homes - most of the residents are women. In fact, in my late mother's first three or four care homes there were hardly any men there at all. What gives?

@NewspaperTaxis

This does touch on a strange thing about care homes - most of the residents are women. In fact, in my late mother's first three or four care homes there were hardly any men there at all. What gives?

I've often wondered that. Same at mum's home - startling so. It can't be explained be women simply living longer. My friend thinks it's that women tend to care for their husbands/partners until the end, whereas men don't. I imagine it's that women are generally the younger spouse, so are left alone more often and have no default carer. But no idea whether statistics back this up.