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Elderly parents
Original poster

"Toxic" mother trying to get money off her 18 year old grandson

38 replies

ElderAngst · 10/12/2020 21:38

I wasn't sure whether to put this in 'Elderly Parents' or 'Relationships'.

I went NC with my ("ignoring" covert narcissist?) mother recently after her latest abusive meltdown directed at me. The latest in 4 decades worth.

Recently my son's Child Tax fund matured. My mum put in some money over the years and it grew in value. To my surprise, my 18 year old son told me today that my mother wants him to buy her a £500 television. She told him she deserves this "gift" from him in return for her putting around £15K in the said fund over the years. He's easygoing and agreed to buy her a TV, though tbf he wasn't given a choice in the matter anyway!

I should add she is a very comfortably off woman and has plenty of money herself. £500 is literally nothing to her.

It brought up so many awful feelings for me, I just can't even describe them.

Am I over-reacting?

I feel I need to calm down, but can't seem to.

Can anyone help me here?

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 10/12/2020 21:47

Is she the only person who's paid money in?

I would back him up in refusing her. He could say he's saving the whole thing for a house deposit.

Original poster
ElderAngst · 10/12/2020 21:58

Yes, she was the only contributer Hollow, apart from a few hundred by the government. I'm a single parent - ill health and benefits and low income.

My son's agreed to this already. He's philosophical about it. I think she is picking on him, knowing he can't "refuse" her as they would then massively fall out, she would probably never speak to him again.

OP posts:
TokenGinger · 10/12/2020 22:06

I don't think I could get wound up over £500 if she's contributed £15k, but I would be telling him to make it well known that he's locked it into an ISA he cannot access for a house deposit or something so she can't ask again.

overoptimism · 10/12/2020 22:09

I can see why she shouldn't have done it but I do think you're not thinking clearly. She has been incredibly generous and your son would be within his rights technically, but utterly ungracious, not to share a little with her now. What kind of person would he be to refuse?

He's in a very fortunate position.

gluteustothemaximus · 10/12/2020 22:10

I think she is picking on him, knowing he can't "refuse" her as they would then massively fall out, she would probably never speak to him again.

Well that kills two birds then. Be £500 'better off' and cut out granny in the process Grin

Sorry for the flippancy. We got a couple of narcs in the family. If I'd known refusing £500 would have seen them off I'd have done it!

Original poster
ElderAngst · 10/12/2020 22:11

Thanks its good to get other perspectives as well.

Even though she's a loaded miser.

But yes its good to try and look on the bright side too ...

OP posts:
Original poster
ElderAngst · 10/12/2020 22:14

You understand gluteus, nothing is ever freely given, only with resentment and awaiting payback ....

I do feel sorry for my son though, I don't want him dragged into her manipulations.

OP posts:
Original poster
ElderAngst · 10/12/2020 22:17

And its good to get some humour as well as other perspectives, so thanks for that too ...

OP posts:
SimplyRadishing · 10/12/2020 22:18

Is the fund worth 15k total????

tribpot · 10/12/2020 22:20

I agree with @TokenGinger, he needs to tell her (whether or true or not) that he's locked the remaining funds away in an ISA. Otherwise I suspect she is going to try and get the whole lot back bit at a time.

I would also warn your son not to accept any 'gifts' from her when she may want them back at the time he can least afford to return them.

Noname99 · 10/12/2020 22:22

I totally agree with you ..... the whole point of a child trust fund is to GiFT money to a child as they turn 18. To then say actually you owe me something back is utterly repugnant. And I’ll bet it won’t be the only ‘gift’ she’ll want. I’m horrified that anyone would do that to their grandson

WineNotTheLabel · 10/12/2020 22:22

£15k was a gift, your mum isn't entitled to anything. Requesting money from her 18 yo grandson is shifty. She will probably keep asking.

iMatter · 10/12/2020 22:25

What a cow.

This will only be the start of it.

Tell her the money is now locked away in a 5 year account or something

AmandaHoldensLips · 10/12/2020 22:31

So, to get this straight, your son is clearly a nice young man who is going to spend 500 quid of his money on buying his toxic gran a TV she wants.

Well it sounds to me like you've done a good job as a mum and raised a good lad there!

picklemewalnuts · 10/12/2020 22:32

If he wants to, he could give her the money, tell her the rest is tied up in a house deposit scheme, and walk away with a clear conscience were she ever to play up again. Cheap at half the price.

Original poster
ElderAngst · 10/12/2020 23:01

I think its a "control" thing and a "power" thing. She's lost control with me since I recently went NC, so this is a new way to try to "get some" back via these demands of my son. I think it just reminded me of all her spiteful manoeuvres over the years; visiting them on my son too just made me feel ill. Luckily my son seems less bothered by her and takes it on the chin, plus we live quite far away yay. But I think she could get pretty nasty with him if she wanted to. Its all so bloody sad though, and I think wtf did we do to deserve this.

Thank you everyone for your contributions. V helpful. Just hearing some sane human voices. And I've calmed down a bit.

My son will buy her the TV. I'll tell him if she asks again to tell her its all tied up in an ISA for his future college fund. I'll also tell him not to accept any money from her ever, even if its a tenner for a train fare to visit her. Job done.

OP posts:
berrygirlie · 10/12/2020 23:20

Glad your son seems to be able to see through her to some extent and not get upset by this bad behaviour. Well done you for exhibiting better parenting than she seemingly ever could!

That money is a gift. It even says (according to the terms I've read) that you can't ask for money back once it gets deposited into the account. She's a controlling CF.

picklemewalnuts · 11/12/2020 09:07

We've brought up our sons to be both clear sighted and kind with their grandma. We were careful not to bad mouth her in front of them, so they didn't learn to be disrespectful to her as DC's. However we also made no attempt to cover for her. When they received very 'elderly gentleman' style pjs and slippers in the wrong size, clearly bought for my father then repurposed, we said things like 'granny's not great at presents, never mind'. They made up there own minds as they saw what a flaky, self centred person she is. They do kind and helpful duty visits, but she doesn't get under their skin the way she does mine. They can laugh about how awful she is! And she does try with them, to be fair. She's just not very good at it!

Sssloou · 11/12/2020 16:54

This is just an indirect provocation and manipulation of you. Is your Ds briefed on her ways and does he know how to be assertive and how to keep healthy boundaries?

Bronzino · 11/12/2020 17:02

The equivalent of buying someone a box of chocs and then standing there waiting for their tax. Deeply unpleasant!

MyGazeboisLeaking · 11/12/2020 17:07

Ah, OP.

I can completely understand why your blood is boiling.

At least your son gets to see her true colours for himself. Yes, she's built him a good fund, but no grandparent worth their salt would ever then ask for fripperies from it.

PurpleMustang · 11/12/2020 17:08

Sounds like it was to 'remind him and 'prove a point' that she can ask as she put into it. But agree with the claiming its been put away and don't accept any more as there will be strings.

gottakeeponmovin · 11/12/2020 17:40

She's clearly a complete @&£- and there are other issues with her but ultimately if she has put in 15k and she wants a 500 quid TV I would let it go. I think she is a CF but your son isn't worried so don't let her wind you up (which is probably her aim anyway)

iwanttoridemybicycleiwant · 11/12/2020 18:12

If it helps think of that £500 as going on educational purposes?
Because it's certainly an educational experience!

AttilaTheMeerkat · 11/12/2020 18:35

He should not purchase her the tv. She ought now to be cut out. It’s not possible to have a relationship with a narcissist and she will merely continue to use your son as supply and otherwise to get back at you