First post so apologies in advance if I get this all wrong. I need some help and I’m really struggling. I’ll try and keep it brief. I am an only child, my parents have never had a ‘good’ relationship but have been married over 50 years. My whole life I have been in the middle of their conflicts and have always tried to diffuse arguments and calm them down.
Last year my father was taken into hospital where they discovered cancer. Due to many complications he spent 9 weeks there including time in ICU. He then developed delirium which was horrific as he often didn’t recognise us, could be abusive, said the most awful things. Eventually he was discharged and came home.
He is now on palliative care at home. My mum is really struggling with his care and struggling to manage his very variable moods. They are together 24/7 and both are finding this difficult. He is mostly lucid but has periods of confusion bought on by infections and the vast array of medication he is taking. Their arguments are getting worse particularly as Mum cannot help but correct him and often reminds him of mistakes he’s made when confused. It is then up to me to intervene and calm them both down.
On top of this I have 4 children of my own. The youngest has only just turned 2 and obviously still needs a lot of time and attention. My poor DC are suffering too as nothing can be planned as we never know when the phone will ring and I will have to disappear to try and sort things out. We haven’t been further than 30 minutes away from home for a year in case we are called back. They are also finding it very hard to see Grandad so poorly as he was always very involved in their lives, I am obviously also finding the thought of losing him heartbreaking and to be honest I miss my dad - this version is like having 60% of him still here. My husband is amazing and very supportive (though he gets intensely frustrated with my parents and their disfunctional relationship) and he is trying desperately to pick up the slack with the children as well as juggling work.
I am totally broken both emotionally and physically. Trying to care for my children who I love beyond words and suffer through this awful time with my parents has destroyed me. I fantasise about killing myself constantly and if it weren’t for my children I would have done it a long time ago. The GP has prescribed me with antidepressants but I can’t face taking them as the thought feeling worse for a couple of weeks before the kick in and I am also still feeding my youngest and would worry about the affect they might have on him.
I’m sorry this is so long (I haven’t even included half of it!) and thank you for reading. I don’t know what I’m hoping for really...