Advice on how to survive this please

[howareyoumeanttochoose]

First post so apologies in advance if I get this all wrong. I need some help and I’m really struggling. I’ll try and keep it brief. I am an only child, my parents have never had a ‘good’ relationship but have been married over 50 years. My whole life I have been in the middle of their conflicts and have always tried to diffuse arguments and calm them down.

Last year my father was taken into hospital where they discovered cancer. Due to many complications he spent 9 weeks there including time in ICU. He then developed delirium which was horrific as he often didn’t recognise us, could be abusive, said the most awful things. Eventually he was discharged and came home.

He is now on palliative care at home. My mum is really struggling with his care and struggling to manage his very variable moods. They are together 24/7 and both are finding this difficult. He is mostly lucid but has periods of confusion bought on by infections and the vast array of medication he is taking. Their arguments are getting worse particularly as Mum cannot help but correct him and often reminds him of mistakes he’s made when confused. It is then up to me to intervene and calm them both down.

On top of this I have 4 children of my own. The youngest has only just turned 2 and obviously still needs a lot of time and attention. My poor DC are suffering too as nothing can be planned as we never know when the phone will ring and I will have to disappear to try and sort things out. We haven’t been further than 30 minutes away from home for a year in case we are called back. They are also finding it very hard to see Grandad so poorly as he was always very involved in their lives, I am obviously also finding the thought of losing him heartbreaking and to be honest I miss my dad - this version is like having 60% of him still here. My husband is amazing and very supportive (though he gets intensely frustrated with my parents and their disfunctional relationship) and he is trying desperately to pick up the slack with the children as well as juggling work.

I am totally broken both emotionally and physically. Trying to care for my children who I love beyond words and suffer through this awful time with my parents has destroyed me. I fantasise about killing myself constantly and if it weren’t for my children I would have done it a long time ago. The GP has prescribed me with antidepressants but I can’t face taking them as the thought feeling worse for a couple of weeks before the kick in and I am also still feeding my youngest and would worry about the affect they might have on him.

I’m sorry this is so long (I haven’t even included half of it!) and thank you for reading. I don’t know what I’m hoping for really...

I think it's absolutely fair to you and your family to say the kids have asked for us all to go to x for the day. Please don't ring me as I won't be able to get back.

I'd give my phone to my dp for the day too with it turned off. You deserve a bit of you time too. You can't pour from an empty jug as they say.

Does your mum get a break, can you set up some caregivers coming in so she gets a break too.

How sad and difficult, you are doing a wonderful job. Does your dad have palliative care help at home, is he known to the community team or a cancer care charity. There is a lot of support out there for him and your mum . Have they had assessments done and are claiming the rightbenefits which can go towards help. His gp can assess his medication so that he only gets what he really needs and there are pain patches and things like that if he cant swallow.

Hi OP,

Didn't want to read and run but equally I'm not sure I'm best placed to help not having faced similar circumstances.

The one thing I would say is that you really should take the medication your GP has prescribed.

The fact that you're depressed (understandably so given the stress you are under) will make trying to find a sustainable way forward much more difficult.

Do you feel able to speak to your mother about this? It sounds like you and your parents have fallen into a "normal" where you are the peacemaker at the cost of your own health.

Your father is ill and "correcting" him and pulling him up on behaviour when he's been confused sounds borderline abusive if I'm honest and I think you need to tackle this head on.

If she can't/won't look after him with even a degree of compassion perhaps the way forward is to look at residential care for your father?

Hi, I'm new here but just wanted to chip in and mention that some antidepressants are meant to better than others while breastfeeding. I think it was sertraline I was prescribed during that time. It sounds like this situation is putting a lot of pressure on you mentally and for you and the sake of your DC you need to take care of yourself. Maybe your parents have been used to you being the pacifier. and become reliant on that. maybe they can get some carers to support them. It sounds very hard. But if you are suicidal, you do need support and to put yourself first here.

Your position is untenable- you must put yourself and your family first.
What support do your parents have? Macmillan, social worker etc?
Attendance allowance, hospice etc? Cleaners respite care?
Please take the meds- it will help very soon. Carers association can offer you support and help.
You cannot fix your parents relationship- and it is not your responsibility to fix it. 🌺🌺

Discuss with your doctor about breastfeeding with the meds... I think the risks are pretty low (I made the choice to do it, although on a fairly low dose). Also I'm not sure that is is the case that you will get worse before you get better, although it can take a few weeks before the meds start to work. Depending on where you live there may well be specialist palliative care nurses in the community or macmillan nurses and they can do a fantastic job. They should be able to offer practical help and advice for the whole family, not just directly medical support. I hope things get easier for you, take care x

Thank you all for your responses. I know our position is untenable, I walked out tonight and spent 40 minutes crying on a bench so that the children wouldn’t hear me. Think I frightened my husband a bit. Part of the problem is that when Dad’s mind is clear he has no recollection of the confusion and I don’t think he really believes us when we tell him what he’s done. Sometimes in his muddled state he tries to do things that would be dangerous but gets quite aggressive if we try to stop him. He would really resist Carers coming in at the moment as he is on the whole still fairly mobile and able to care for himself (he doesn’t need any help with self care or anything like that) on good days outsiders probably wouldn’t realise he wasn’t well.

To be fair to my Mum I wouldn’t cope being alone with him all the time so I can understand why she snaps sometimes. He’s not been an easy husband and I think the shift in ‘power’ has really complicated the situation.

I know I should probably take the antidepressants but I would feel so guilty (the rational part of my mind knows that’s crazy but I’m terrible for piling extra guilt on myself)

Sorry, but the time has come for some tough love. You can't keep sorting things out between your parents - it's their relationship, not yours.

And your own health is suffering.

Step back. Take the antidepressants, and look after yourself and your own children, as well as the relationship with your husband..

Do look up the MacMillan site, there is so much support out there for you all.

I know that’s what I should do, I just don’t know how to do it. I’m so scared of my letting my dad down at the time he needs me the most

In case it helps reassure you my Dc are now 14 and 11 and they are fine, after me feeding them and having the antidepressants.

He is now on palliative care at home I hear the home hospice care can be very good and they could arrange some counselling and support for your parents as well

Could he possibly go off for respite care for a few days / a week, to allow your mum and yourself to get a breather ?

You've come back and told everyone how you can't do anything that's suggested. And I appreciate how you can't abandon them. But you sound close to a breakdown and then you'll be no use to anyone.

I think you'll have to accept that your dad needs outside help, he might not want it but you all need it.
Dad gets a few hours of help
Mum takes a breather
Hopefully you get less phone calls
You can take a breather
Family day out...

If this was happening to your best friend, what advice would you give them?
Please seek help and support for everyone’s sake.xx

OP

Why isn’t your dad in palliative care in a hospital or hospice, is it lack of space? Can this be reviewed?

I would honestly stay out of it. I spent a lot of time with my father when he was dying of cancer and I now realise all I achieved was giving myself PTSD, or the fringe of it, for no good reason.

I honestly thought I’d have a heart attack, my blood pressure was dangerously high.

Sorry, hungover!

Stay out of rows between your folks. Luckily my dad was in hospital so I would often swap in and out within, I’m sure some of their conversations would have been unbearable to hear.

OP, the whole situation is heartbreaking.

Firstly, is your Dad getting help from visiting carers? There should be 4 visits a day to help wash him etc.

Is there a Macmillan Nurse or similar who can help with this? A Macmillan nurse will be experienced in the mood and relationship changes that can happen.

It is then up to me to intervene and calm them both down
This has been your role, imposed on you and adopted by you all your life. But it really isn’t down to you. You are all caught in a chain reaction. Can you say to your Mum “we are all
Under pressure. I will come for our regular visits and if there is a medical crisis but I can’t leave my 2 year old to sort out how you and Dad talk to each other. I know it is difficult but try not to correct him because he can’t help eat his brain does when he is delirious and it causes arguments. I cannot keep coming because if these upsets do it will be best to stop them before thy happen “

Then refuse to go. And if you visit say “I can’t comment on things you discuss between you” and walk away to make a cup of tea or whatever.

I do know it is hard, I had to take a similar line with my parents.

Can he go into a hospice for stays of respite care?

Why isn’t your dad in palliative care in a hospital or hospice

Because demand these days is such that you only get a place when they calculate that you only have a v shirt time left. .

But some do do short respite stays.

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you're having such a difficult time.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website or email them on [email protected].

Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

Why isn’t your dad in palliative care in a hospital or hospice, is it lack of space?

You're confusing palliative care with end of life care. Palliative treatment can go on for years. My husband was palliative for 18 months before he died. End of life and hospice at home was only available/necessary for the last few weeks @Orangeblossom78

Yes, I have a feeling OP might say that her father chose to stay at home for palliative care, I lived in terror of that happening!

This was a situation I was dreading with my Mum and Dad but events overtook us and my Dad was admitted to hospital for palliative care. More recently, the relationship between my Mum and brother ( lived together, long story) began to fall apart. I phoned their GP and expressed my grave concerns about their mental well-being, although he couldn’t discuss their situation with me, he obviously listened and took action without letting on that we had had a conversation. Do you think your Mum and Dad would take advice from their GP and at least accept carers or respite care to give everyone a break if the doctor said they must?
Stay with us, this is a really supportive group and you must take care of yourself and your family first

antidepressants but I can’t face taking them as the thought feeling worse for a couple of weeks before the kick in Talk to you GP again. My experience is they didn't kick in for a couple of weeks, but they didn't make me feel any worse, it was just that they didn't immediately make me feel better. I was warned about the slow kick-in so that I wouldn't get disheartened that there wasn't a miraculous improvement in mood the instant I started taking them.

Antidepressants don't cure depression, but they get you to a state where you have enough mental energy to deal with things.

Thank you so much for all your replies, I really do appreciate you all taking time to offer help and support. There are so many things I know I should do to protect myself and my family it’s just that so many of our disfunctional habits are so ingrained and it feels wrong to be rocking the boat now that he is unwell. I promise to keep listening and I’m trying not to turn myself into a martyr - honest!