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Elderly parents
Original poster

Such a fucking mess!

56 replies

IrianOfW · 12/03/2019 12:02

Dad is in hospital at the moment. He went into have bladder stones removed. He has Parkinsons and is almost entirely deaf. He's 87. He's now been in there for 11 days, has some sort of infection that they can't diagnose, had a fall (not the nurses's fault at all). My brother stayed with my mum for 6 days when he went into hospital expecting dad to come out after 3 days as was expected. DBro had to go home. Meanwhile my mum had a fall and has hurt her very arthritic hip to the extent that she is finding getting about is difficult. When she visits dad she had to park at the other end of the site and walk which is almost impossible for her. I have been in to see dad many times since he had been in, with and without mum.

I arranged for someone to come and discuss care for my dad at home when he is released. Apparently money isn't an option according to my dad but I am not sure if he realises how much it will cost. And of course now my mum is more or less hors de combat.

I have a full-time job, a depressed DH, a 22 year old son suffering from GAD and a 16 year old on the autistic spectrum approaching his GCSEs.

i don't know what to do or where to turn.

Help!

OP posts:
Bookworm4 · 12/03/2019 12:05

Obviously I don't know your area, here in Scotland in a case like this they will assess the safety of the home and the persons ability to care for themselves and put adjustments to the home in place and a care package for their return home, all of this is free, if you're English Im not sure if the same applies.

Original poster
IrianOfW · 12/03/2019 12:09

Thanks bookworm. I am in England. Who is 'they'? Is that arranged by the hospital?

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 12/03/2019 12:11

What a horrible situation. I was in a similar situation with both parents ill at the same time and it was awful.

Things that helped - your mum should get a taxi to the hospital door. That means no parking (I'm a bit worried she's driving still.)

Get a cleaner in - my parents were very reluctant to do that, even though they could afford to do it. They went to church every week and there was a woman in the congregation there who was a cleaner - they knew they could trust her and we told them she needed the money, so they were happy to do it "for the time being." They got used to that very quickly!

Apply for Attendance Allowance for both parents and use it to pay for cleaner/gardener/other help.

I don't know about having carers in - others will help you with this - but be prepared to have others doing what you feel you should do for them. You can't afford to go under now.

Flowers
HollowTalk · 12/03/2019 12:12

Have your husband and son seen their doctor? Are they taking medication?

marmiteloversunite · 12/03/2019 12:22

You need to talk to the ward team who sort out the patients going home. Ask them to refer you to a social worker so you can discuss the issues and needs at home. You will need to push for continuing care as nursing homes are so expensive!!

Grace212 · 12/03/2019 12:23

hi OP

sorry to hear you are having such a hard time

re money not being an issue, do you have access to bank accounts to be sure how correct they are about that? hopefully it is correct.

also, is there a downstairs bathroom - even just loo and sink - that they can use? I spoke with a couple of agencies who said they wouldn't do stairs with the person due to the risk. Just a couple mind - others were fine - but just flagging it up as a question to ask.

HumphreyCobblers · 12/03/2019 12:23

Age concern do a discharge from hospital help service, just to assess changes that might need to be made.

Original poster
IrianOfW · 12/03/2019 12:23

Hi hollow - DH has and yes he takes his meds. DS1 has but didn't get a prescription - we are waiting for talking therapy. I agree about mum driving but they live in a village with no bus services - there is a volunteer driving service but it's not always available. Her driving is the least of my problems at the moment although I know it's not something that can continue long term.

OP posts:
Bookworm4 · 12/03/2019 12:24

@irianofW
Sorry, Social Servuces and Reach team assess

Original poster
IrianOfW · 12/03/2019 12:28

Thanks marmite - I have tried to talk to his nurse but they always seems so busy and no-one knows anything. I will try again.

Thanks grace - dad has told me where all the details about the money are - he's canny with money so I am sure he is correct but I just don';t think he knows how much care he needs and how much it will cost. Mum has done most of it up till now and TBH he has always taken her for granted. There are no stairs as they are in a bungalow but there are three step from the kitchen to the living room with a stair lift.

I am just envisaging dad coming home and there being no-one who can actually look after him other than me! Full time care in the home will cost them about 200 a day.

OP posts:
Original poster
IrianOfW · 12/03/2019 12:28

Thanks bookworm.

Thanks humphrey I will check that out.

OP posts:
Original poster
IrianOfW · 12/03/2019 12:31

I just rang Somerset social care helpline and the told me that the hospital would provide advice Hmm Not so far they haven't.

OP posts:
Hadalifeonce · 12/03/2019 12:36

Talk to adult services at their local authority, they can help with attendance allowance, some are not means tested, they can assess the home, and sort out carers if needed. Good luck.

AdoraBell · 12/03/2019 12:37

Do you have any other siblings who can help?

Grace212 · 12/03/2019 12:37

What is their mobility like? Will full time care be necessary?

def have a chat with your dad, I can see how he might know how much he's got in the bank, but might not know how much the care costs per hour.

Hospital - there should be a Discharge Team and an Occupational Therapist. The latter will check how your dad is doing with mobility and then assist/advise.

AdoraBell · 12/03/2019 12:38

Sorry, thread moved in while I was reading.

SilentSister · 12/03/2019 12:46

Respite care in a private home is a good thing to consider as well when he is discharged. It just gives you some extra breathing space. Of course it comes at a cost, but we have used a few over the last year for both DM and her husband, and they are fantastic. Her husband tends to be discharged from hospital and then get infections, by going to respite, he seems to avoid them, I think he doesn't keep himself clean enough at home, which is sad.

He is now in a permanent care home, where DM visits and stays every few weeks, and she has a 24hr carer staying with her. She also has a cleaner and gardener. Because they are wealthy they get no help, but the money will be gone in two years, and then what?

VioletCharlotte · 12/03/2019 13:29

Hi OP we had a similar situation with my grandparents a few years ago. So sorry you're going through this, it's hard work isn't it?

Given your Dads age, before he is sent home, the hospital should be talking to adult social services and arranging for a care plan to be put in place. We found the AgeUK website very helpful so that's worth a look.

Original poster
IrianOfW · 12/03/2019 14:03

Thanks all

Just been for a brisk rainy walk so I could have a good weep and calm down.

violet - I rang adult social care and I told her I wanted some help with assessing the situation and she told me the hospital would do contact them. Age Concern sent me to Adult social services so I am just going round in circles. i am seeing him tonight so I will try to get someone to advise me but it's like getting blood from a stone as they are so busy and communications isn't the best.

Mum is really down as she is in pain and on her own so I will have to go to see her after I've visited my dad after work.

OP posts:
shiningstar2 · 12/03/2019 14:21

There is usually a free care package for up to the first six weeks when the frail elderly leave hospital. A care comes in up to four times a day to help with dressing/undressing ext. They will dress wounds, see that medication is taken and often prepare a light breakfast or sandwich lunch.
This gives a breathing space while you consider your options. My MIL aged 90 had an alarm service where she wore something around her neck which she could press if she had a fall. There was a box with a key on the outside of the house. A carer would come to assist then phone family. She had a couple of falls at night and without this she would have been alone on the floor all night as she couldn't reach the phone. The carer phoned an ambulance and us and we went with her to hospital. This has a monthly charge but it wasn't very expensive.

You may not need 24 hour care ...especially if no nursing care is involved. A friend's mother has someone coming in 4 hours 9- 1 monday to friday. She helps with dressing/showering. Does light house work on alternative days. She makes a lunch and leaves a sandwich/cake type tea ready. She is flexible and will get shopping in instead of housework or take friend's mother to doctor's/hospital appointments. She charges £10 per hour. The family do a bit between them at weekends to keep costs down. If your parents, one or both, could get Attendance allowance, it would help with an arrangement like this. Good luck op.

wigglypiggly · 12/03/2019 15:47

Ask the ward sister when they are planning to discharge him, have they organised a full care needs assessment to see what he is able to do and what help he will need. There will be a discharge key worker attached to the ward who have meetings with nurses and therapists to plan discharge arrangements. He should have a careplan drawn up and possibly a chc assessment. They will fob you off and say he doesnt qualify for any funding towards his care but emphasise to them he needs the assessment anyway, everyone is entitled to it and its free. Explain that mum has had a fall and also needs help, has she been checked for any injuries by a doctor? Social services may get involved in finding care and might carry out a financial assessment, either way apply for attendance and carers allowance, you can do this online. If they both want to be at home it would be worth asking the therapists to visit the house to se what equipment or adaptations might be needed. Once he is medically stable to ,leave hospital he may be able to transfer to a community bed or have reablement at home for 6 weeks while he gets his strength back. You could also ask for the parkinsons nurse to come and see him to see if she has any suggestions that would help. If everyone feels he would be safer in a home then he will need the assessment to say if he would be ok in a residential home without trained nurses or a nursing home with nurses 24hrs a day, theres a big difference in price. Does dad have the mental capacity to make decisions about where he lives, how he spends his money and do you have power of attorney.

Original poster
IrianOfW · 12/03/2019 15:57

Thanks wiggly. No I don't have POA - dad is still basically OK with regard to finances etc but I think that is something we are going to have to keep an eye on.

The discharge date keeps moving as they find more and more little issues. He's desperate to get home hence being prepared to throw money at the problem, getting depressed and eating less and less. I am wondering if a care home might be a useful halfway house - I'll see if he'll go for that. There's a care home 5 minutes from my house.

I will try to speak to the ward sister tonight.

OP posts:
sweetheart · 12/03/2019 16:00

Irian,

Ask for a meeting with the hospital - get them to agree to meet in a formal setting. They should be speaking to social services - you need to be very firm that there is no one who can care for your dad in his home and that he will not be safe there.

If you feel like you are not getting anywhere speak to PALS. Every hospital has a PALS department for complaints - you are usually taken much more seriously if you have to go down this route.

CleanAndPaidFor · 12/03/2019 16:27

Hello OP. Sending you loads of sympathy. I know from experience what a nightmare all this is when you are dealing with kids and work too. I don't really have better advice to offer than what's already been said except please don't wait to sort out POA. I'd say the same to anyone else on here even if their parents are fit and healthy. Get it in place as soon as you can.

Mustbetimeforachange · 12/03/2019 16:27

Do not agree to him being discharged until he has been assessed. That will focus their attention.