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Elderly parents
Original poster

Do you help your elderly with the toilet? Should I cross my line, woman up and get on with it?

34 replies

Winterlight · 13/05/2018 19:09

Dad has Alzheimer’s and we’ve just reached the stage where he needs help sorting himself out on the loo. I always swore that this would be my line in the sand, I wasn’t doing it but now there seems no way round it when he is in my care. It’s not squeamishness it’s just the indignity of it for him breaks my heart.

We’re in that limbo stage at the moment, he’s not bad enough to go into care but requires help with most things in the home and can’t be left alone.

Have any of you ever refused to do intimate care duties for your elderlies? Should I just woman up?

OP posts:
MonuMentalism · 13/05/2018 19:11

I wouldn’t do it can you pay for caters to come into the home to help ?

MonuMentalism · 13/05/2018 19:12

carers

Original poster
Winterlight · 13/05/2018 19:17

Hi MonuMentalism, he has a carer in first thing and my mum does the rest when she’s there. But I have him quite often on my own to give Mum a break so it’s those times. He’s just out from hospital so this is a recent development.

It’s actually a relief to hear that you wouldn’t do it I thought it was just me.

OP posts:
pontiouspilates · 13/05/2018 19:18

My husband did it for his
Mum when she was at this stage with Alzheimers. The first time was definitely the hardest. Two years on after her death he looks back on it as a privilege to have been able to care for her. My heart goes out to you, its an awful disease isn't it?Thanks

Iflyaway · 13/05/2018 19:23

No.

Please go to her GP. With her or without.

As a single mum working and exhausted I couldn't do everything....

Floralnomad · 13/05/2018 19:27

I’d do it / have done it ( personal care) but then I’m an ex nurse , it’s not for everyone , I know my dh would struggle to do anything personal with his parents .

AndNoneForGretchenWieners · 13/05/2018 19:29

My parents are fit and healthy, but my great aunt lived independently into her 90s and at the end needed care. She lived in a supported living complex for the last 6 months and when I visited her once, her carer had just left and she needed to use the toilet. She asked if I could help her, we were both embarrassed but I tried to do it with as much dignity as possible - averting my eyes while she was actually on the toilet, then waiting until she was comfortably standing before wiping. It wasn't pleasant for either of us but in a way it reminded me of changing a baby, in that it didn't repulse me or disgust me. I don't know if I've explained what I mean well there though.

MonuMentalism · 13/05/2018 19:32

It’s not just you. Please don’t feel guilty either, you may get people saying “well when you were a baby your parents did it for you...” (this was said to me) but it’s not the same at all

X

TheDinosaurRoars · 13/05/2018 19:35

it’s just the indignity of it for him breaks my heart

You say you are not squeamish and it is purely the indignity that stops you wanting to help with personal care. So how about if you look at it from the point of view of the indignity of it not being done and him ending up having an accident. Wouldn’t that break your heart even more?

I would try to get a carer in but if necessary, I would do it (for anyone, not just my parents).

nemno · 13/05/2018 19:45

What actually is the alternative? Is this the point where your mum either never gets a break or he moves to a residential home? Can you help provide finances or can your parents afford paid respite? Would your dad tolerate incontinance products to last between care visits?

We had a short period of time when we had to do this for my parents, pretty soon they needed nearly fulltime carers. I am so sorry that you are in this position, you have my best wishes, it is just so so hard.

FinallyHere · 13/05/2018 19:46

My mother occasionally needs a bit of help with toileting these days. She always apologies for needing the help, saying it must be horrible for me. I remind her how often she changed my nappy... and how when they were first abroad, she had to change me on the bed, I (so the family story goes) used to do a back flip and end up on the other side of a big bed. Would let her walk round to 'this' side, then flip back to the other. 😁

we laugh, and smile and sometimes get a little sentimental.

Mum2jenny · 13/05/2018 19:56

I've done this for very drunk friends and relatives, it's no different from caring for a helpless baby. If friends or relatives can't do it for whatever reason, you do it as you like/love them when needs must imo

Original poster
Winterlight · 13/05/2018 19:57

Thank you for all the replies. I do wonder if once we’ve got over the first time it will be okay I don’t suppose I’ll know unless it happens. Care is difficult because he wants to go when he wants to go and then it’s just a case of whoever is around at the time. He wore pads in hospital so maybe it’s a case of using them more often and especially when out.

It’s just such a brutal illness and I think I’m feeling very bruised by it all at the moment and it’s knowing that worse is to come.

Also like most care of elderly stuff you either feel guilty saying no or do it and feel put upon, you can’t win either way😊

OP posts:
Murane · 13/05/2018 20:04

I'd do it for my parents if necessary. They've done similar for me over the years. Last year when I was pregnant and huge my mum looked at my sore bottom because I couldn't see past the bump to see if I had piles! I don't find it undignified to receive help from a trusted family member. Imo a stranger doing it is more undignified.

PotteringAlong · 13/05/2018 20:07

I don’t think you are in a limbo stage. I think you’ve reached the point now Flowers

Penfold007 · 13/05/2018 20:16

Winterlight I agree it isn't about being squeamish, it's the loss of dignity etc. I've been/am going through similar with elderly and frail parents.
I spoke to their doctor about the problem and they were referred to the Continence Nurse. So knowledgeable, helpful and empathetic. Incontinence pads etc are now on prescription and delivered. DF finally had an indwelling catheter fitted and he finds it very helpful.

hildabaker · 13/05/2018 20:17

I did it for my parents and yes it is dreadful at first, emotionally let alone the practical side of it. But it does get easier. And now, as someone upthread said, I am glad I did it.

Original poster
Winterlight · 13/05/2018 20:17

Pottering I think so, or very close to it.

He had such an awful time in hospital, went really downhill and I was expecting him to go into care from there. But the minute that he got the medical all clear they discharged him and he’s perked up a bit at home so now my Mum is soldiering on as if nothing happened.

I think she will only consider it when a crisis forces the issue.

OP posts:
Charley50 · 13/05/2018 20:21

Have they got room for live-in cArers?

Original poster
Winterlight · 13/05/2018 20:26

Thanks Penfold, that’s useful to know, I will get in touch with their surgery to see if they have a nurse in their area.

Yes, all these new steps seem so hard at first but I’m doing things now without thinking which four years ago when I started out I wouldn’t have ever believed I’d be doing.

OP posts:
Original poster
Winterlight · 13/05/2018 20:30

No they live in a tiny bungalow which is well adapted. Not much in the way of funds either unfortunately.

OP posts:
picklemepopcorn · 13/05/2018 20:41

When my dad was very poorly, I needed to help him. It was a bit of a shock because mum said he could manage, but it turned out not to be the case. I helped him with the bottle and needed to change him several times because he got wet. After the first time, it became very much more a very straightforward practicality rather than anything embarrassing.

woodhill · 13/05/2018 20:48

I would truly hate to have to do this for my dps

paddypants13 · 14/05/2018 08:06

I work as a carer so the idea doesn't bother me at all.

I second what a previous poster said that it is more undignified to leave someone dirty and at risk of sores and infection than to help clean them.

I do understand it's difficult for you though. I can't explain but helping with personal care makes me feel very protective of my customers. We give them as much dignity as possible though, covering genitals with towel where possible, shutting curtains and doors and leaving the room or turning our backs whilst they are actually on the toilet.

Caramelapplecake · 21/05/2018 21:21

My parents now have live-in care but before this I would regularly help mom with personal care, including toileting and occasionally have done it for my dad when he was unwell. As you say it's a case of getting stuck in and getting on with it.

I admit I prefer not to have to for dad and I'll always call the carer at home but if we were out and he couldn't cope then I would.