Do you help your elderly with the toilet? Should I cross my line, woman up and get on with it?

[Winterlight]

Dad has Alzheimer’s and we’ve just reached the stage where he needs help sorting himself out on the loo. I always swore that this would be my line in the sand, I wasn’t doing it but now there seems no way round it when he is in my care. It’s not squeamishness it’s just the indignity of it for him breaks my heart.

We’re in that limbo stage at the moment, he’s not bad enough to go into care but requires help with most things in the home and can’t be left alone.

Have any of you ever refused to do intimate care duties for your elderlies? Should I just woman up?

Ive had to do it for my partner when he used to lapse into unconsciousness usually after dtd when i would see the signs I would get the male urinal for him -

as i became ill he ended up having to do it for me before i had carers and thats when you know the relationship has nothing to hide as i couldnt hold myself upright so he sat me upright on edge of bed pulled close into him with pads underneath and held the female urinal into me so i could go, then we did our shuffle where he stood me up and sat me in a chair while he changed the bed as was sodden, his mum and aunt have helped me shower at different times, he has stopped me drowning in the bath 2 inches of water

Ive helped my mum and my aunt (she died when i was 11) and now im the one needing and receiving help i am thankful to the girls mostly who do it, there are a couple who rub me up the wrong way in every way

I did it. It's not great at the beginning but you 'normalise' it

My relative, when they did move in to care, asked the staff if they could have their bath when I visited so I could do it. I was surprised as I thought they'd prefer a stranger

its an awful situation your mum and dad are in OP. You could ask if he needs help, but he may say no, not realising he actually does.

first op so sorry to hear about your dad its a terrible disease both my grandparents had it it's shit. I've done it for my grandma , my man did it regularly for both her parents and bathing ECT aswell. I understand p eople saying you wouldn't and get carers but what if they are with you and it happens I mean you can't time when people need to toilet and carers come in at set times. I do understand not wanting to do it but if he had a accident I think that would be worse in terms of mess, clean up , indignity for the person and upset for you. It's a very hard one as obviously no one really wants to do it but I don't know what the alternative is while he's at home, He could wear pads but obviously if it was a poo would still need changed by someone straight away for wees they can hold a few wees so not such a issue. Just wanted to say again how hard it is seeing someone you love with this awful disease. Sending love to you all

I wouldn’t want my children to do this. Hopefully it is a long way off, but I just don’t want that at all, so I think my parents would feel the same way about me.

I'm a nurse and used to doing personal care but I wouldn't want to do it for my parents but then again I'm not in your situation. It would be impossible unless your dad was in full time care or had a full time career at home to avoid taking him to the toilet. It's difficult isn't it? I know a friend who has looked after both her mum and dad both with Alzheimer's and she has carries out their personal care. I think once you do it the first time it will break the ice and will be easier thereafter

I agree with sleephead1 - if you going to be in sole care then it might just need to be done. I did it for my gran a few times, simply because she needed help and there was no one else around to help.

I'm sorry OP, it's such a heartbreaking situation to be in.

What do you think he would have wanted? Everyone is different, my late grandfather was uncomfortable with the idea of his family doing intimate care but ok with carers.

I did this for my grandad without a blink of a eye but I was a carer before
He was embarrassed but after first few times it was ok

Not sure about my parents I've helped mum before when she was ill actually and that was fine but I think my dad would find it too much and very embarrassing I did his catheter when he had a op but think that pushed it for him. It was a big learning curve!

I thought l wouldn't do it but when my dm needed it it wasn't a problem. After the first time we would chat away and act like nothing was happening. It became part of life. In the begining she kept apologising so it was important to keep it low key. When she died l felt privileged to have done it and it pushed me way beyond my comfort zone.