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Elderly parents
Original poster

I think my Dad has died

48 replies

toffeepumpkins · 08/05/2018 23:46

I just phoned the hospital (it's the other end of the country) where my elderly and frail Dad is and I think he has died.

They wouldn't tell me anything due to patient confidentiality, they didn't put me through to the ward like they normally do and first put me through to the operations manager and then the patient manager.
Neither would tell me anything and suggested I phone somebody else in the family who had apparently just phoned them and knew the situation. It's too late at night to phone them now but I have emailed them and said I was unable to talk to him but I understood that they had just phoned.

I asked to talk to him and they said that he's gone for a walk - at 10.30pm at night! He has dementia and is frail so I find it hard to believe that they have let him go for a walk.

He's died hasn't he?

OP posts:
LolitaLempicka · 08/05/2018 23:48

Oh, I am so sorry. It sounds quite badly handled that they wouldn’t talk to you, I guess they just talk to next of kin. Could you phone someone?

0ccamsRazor · 08/05/2018 23:48

I don't know Op, if he had I am sending you lots of (((hugs))) Flowers

Original poster
toffeepumpkins · 08/05/2018 23:50

His eldest daughter probably knows but I can't phone her at midnight. I hardly know her. I have sent her an email (not saying what I think has happened) but saying that I couldn't talk to him but I understand that she knows what the situation is.

I don't know what else to do. Am I being silly in thinking that he has died?

OP posts:
LondonGin · 08/05/2018 23:53

Can you ring them back saying you’re worried he’s died and just want to know if he’s alive?

Original poster
toffeepumpkins · 08/05/2018 23:56

I don't know. I don't think I can do that without crying down the phone, I'm crying now. What if they tell me I'm right and he has died?

OP posts:
NK346f2849X127d8bca260 · 08/05/2018 23:57

I really don’t know what to suggest, but to be honest I wouldn’t be cross if I was his eldest daughter and you phoned me even at this late hour.

blueskypink · 08/05/2018 23:58

I don't understand why there would be a need for confidentiality when you are his daughter? Regardless of the time I would be ringing his eldest daughter in your shoes.

Sorry you're in this situation Thanks

BackToTheFuschia7 · 08/05/2018 23:59

Can you call his eldest daughter anyway? Just be apologetic. I’m sure she’ll understand when she hears how upset and worried you are. If something awful has happened, she will be awake now too.

dayinlifeof · 09/05/2018 00:00

I don't understand why there would be a need for confidentiality when you are his daughter?

I guess that they don't know who I am.

I'm going to phone them back and see if he is back from his 'walk'

blueskypink · 09/05/2018 00:00

Toffee - if you cry down the phone it doesn't matter. I rarely had a conversation with any medical person during the last couple of weeks of my dad's life without speaking through tears and gulps. Nothing they won't have had before sweetheart.

DianaT1969 · 09/05/2018 00:01

OP, is there a reason you were calling the hospital at around 11pm? Has he been more poorly in recent days.
I agree that you should call the oldest daughter as you shouldn't have to wait and worry all night.
My heartfelt sympathy to you if this is the case Thanks

blueskypink · 09/05/2018 00:02

When you ring a hospital they usually ask what your relationship is with the patient. Just tell them if they don't.

dayinlifeof · 09/05/2018 00:03

Forgot to name change. never mind.

he's still "gone out for a walk"

Pressuredrip · 09/05/2018 00:03

It's not too late to call your sister at this time in this situation.

ElderflowerWaterIsDelish · 09/05/2018 00:04

Surely if you are his daughter then you are family and should be told how he is..call back again, you might get a different nurse pick up the phone...

Try not to panic that he has died...think through it rationally, if he had died, would the hospital notify you, or would they notify your sister?..and if your sister was notified would she call you and tell you?...

Try calling the hospital again and if you get nowhere call your sister or another family member to see if they can shed any light on it for you

blueskypink · 09/05/2018 00:06

he's still "gone out for a walk"

Did you ask them what they meant? And say that's impossible given the time of night and his circumstances?

ohtheholidays · 09/05/2018 00:06

ToffeepumpkinsI'd ring the other family member,honestly I would not mind what time of night it was if it was a family member trying to find out what had happened to they're own Dad.

I can't understand the hospital not giving out information to you his Daughter,when my Mum was in hospital and then my Dad and me or either of my brothers rang the hospital they gave us information over the phone.

I can't tell you weather he has passed or not from what you've said but I'll be around for another hour or so if you need some support Flowers

FeralBeryl · 09/05/2018 00:06

Sweetheart it's not too late to call anyone if it's to find out if he's died.
Call his daughter, she will understand. If you can't, call the hospital back, ask to be put back through to one of the night managers in charge of that ward and explain that you are at the other end of the country and need an accurate update. Offer to let them call you back if they prefer. It's an exceptional circumstance but they should accommodate you.
Sending a handhold Thanks

GlitteryFluff · 09/05/2018 00:08

I would ring your sister too. Thanks

higgyyellow · 09/05/2018 00:10

Definitely ring her, she was not long on the phone to the hospital.

I don't know if there is any bad ground between you but it does seem a bit odd that they would normally put you through but this evening decided not to. That wouldn't make me think k anything other than someone has told them not to tell you anything. I may be miles off of course but if they normally update you on how he is it is odd that they would stop now.

I hope your dad is ok

FeralBeryl · 09/05/2018 00:11

Just reread what they have said. It is extremely, and I mean EXTREMELY unlikely that they will have said he's gone for a walk if he's passed. I'm wondering if he's had a fall and sustained an injury of some sort, maybe even been taken for a scan but to infer that he's undertaking a leisure pursuit if he's died would be beyond rare.
I have fielded many a call after a patient has passed, been inventive until I can get hold of next of kin, but never untruthful.

Tatiana · 09/05/2018 00:14

Please phone your sister. Or try the hospital again and ask them what they mean by “gone for a walk” at this time of night, given that he is old and frail.

shouldwestayorshouldwego · 09/05/2018 00:17

Could he have escaped from his ward? I would have thought they would have said asleep or unresponsive/unconscious if he had died but they didn't want to tell you on the phone.

DragonNoodleCake · 09/05/2018 00:19

@toffeepumpkins
Phone his oldest (I'm assuming second or adopted family of some kind) (I don't need to know btw) but under the circumstances she should understand your concern.

Much love

IRefuseToAgree · 09/05/2018 00:19

How odd. It sounds very odd for them to have said he has gone for a walk.