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Elderly parents
Original poster

I think my Dad has died

48 replies

toffeepumpkins · 08/05/2018 23:46

I just phoned the hospital (it's the other end of the country) where my elderly and frail Dad is and I think he has died.

They wouldn't tell me anything due to patient confidentiality, they didn't put me through to the ward like they normally do and first put me through to the operations manager and then the patient manager.
Neither would tell me anything and suggested I phone somebody else in the family who had apparently just phoned them and knew the situation. It's too late at night to phone them now but I have emailed them and said I was unable to talk to him but I understood that they had just phoned.

I asked to talk to him and they said that he's gone for a walk - at 10.30pm at night! He has dementia and is frail so I find it hard to believe that they have let him go for a walk.

He's died hasn't he?

OP posts:
Tartyflette · 09/05/2018 00:21

This sounds odd, I've had a hospital phone me , while I was abroad, to tell me my aunt had died. They also spoke to my brother I believe.
I don't think there is any restriction on hospitals telling a close relative who phones asking for information about a patient, unless perhaps they have been instructed not to, by another relative or by the patient themself. Could your older sister have requested they not give out information to you (or anyone else) ?

Original poster
toffeepumpkins · 09/05/2018 00:25

I've texted her and asked her to phone me.

OP posts:
IamAporcupine · 09/05/2018 00:26

I would phone her too, surely she will understand your concern
You won't be able to sleep otherwise
Flowers

FeralBeryl · 09/05/2018 00:34

Is he mobile? Could he have somehow absconded?

MustShowDH · 09/05/2018 00:35

Is it possible he's gone missing?

Noone will mind you phoning. If the worst has happened, they'll be awake anyway and if not, they can put your mind at rest.

Hope you get the answers you need.

bunbunny · 09/05/2018 01:02

And if he has gone for a walk... Then it would be worth finding out if they let him out for a walk or if he let himself out, are they worried about him returning or not - and basically what are they doing to ensure his safe return. And, as you are his dd, please will they ring you to let you know when he has returned safely.

I know on facebook our local police force quite often has missing people alerts, a number of which are for people with dementia who have wandered off, and which are usually updated a day or two later with 'S/he's been found' information... Fingers crossed the same happens for you.

You really shouldn't have to be the one worrying and left not knowing anything in this situation - it's really unfair, especially if they are telling other family members. Can you get sis to ensure your name is listed as next of kin too so that you are also able to get the info going forward? (see - hopeful that he is really off walking and will be tucked up back in bed soon...)

I do get where you're coming from - FIL has dementia and is now in a home but seems to spend lots of time in hospital too and not living close by, it's often very difficult to get info from the hospital/home about how he is doing.

Take care of yourself - it's a horrible time and it's really not fair to leave you stressing without info overnight. Even if they'd just said that they were sorry, but he was asleep for the night and to ring back in the morning, you'd be able to have slept and then been awake and alert to deal with whatever tomorrow brings. Flowers

Betsy86 · 09/05/2018 01:09

Hope u get some answers soon op must b such a worry for u and unfair for you not to know whats happening Flowers

7seas · 09/05/2018 01:15

Something sounds peculiar. If they have told you he has dementia but gone for a walk do you think he has actually gone missing? Why would your sister not call you to tell you your dad has died. Hope you get answers OP

Original poster
toffeepumpkins · 09/05/2018 01:17

Thanks. Waiting for a call now.

OP posts:
Littlechocola · 09/05/2018 01:20

They most definitely wouldn’t say he had gone for a walk if he had died. They couldn’t.
Has he gone awol before? That would be my guess.
Call your sister, you won’t get any rest until you do. Flowers

Threeminis · 09/05/2018 01:30

Have you heard anything yet op? Try not to worry too much, I agree with pp when you do speak to the other daughter ask to be put on the next of kin list

mumof06darlings · 09/05/2018 01:36

Ah that's hard. Mayby your older sister didn't ring you because she thought it was too late at night aswell to ring you.

Thinking of you 💐

Battleax · 09/05/2018 01:46

I hope you get sensible answers quickly x

Shen0102 · 09/05/2018 01:50

Stay strong OP... but Why wouldn't the eldest daughter phone you within the hour to inform you if he had died?.

I think It may just be a situation whereby his condition has worsened.

Battleax · 09/05/2018 01:53

but Why wouldn't the eldest daughter phone you within the hour to inform you if he had died?

It sounds like a slightly complicated family situation, given the language OP is using.

LoveProsecco · 09/05/2018 02:22

Thinking of you Thanks

Mummyoflittledragon · 09/05/2018 02:28

I’m so sorry they wouldn’t tell you anything. Thinking of you Flowers

SD1978 · 09/05/2018 03:30

I’d phone the hospital again. If you again get out through to the iOS manager, and get told that he’s gone for a walk- tell them you are calling 999 to report a vulnerable elderly male with dementia as missing from the hospital. I’m not suggesting you actually would do that- but at least then they may have to tell you what has happened. I’m sorry that you’re worried, and if he has passed away I’m sorry for your loss, but you deserve to know what’s happening and not be left with wondering and thinking the worst

Original poster
toffeepumpkins · 09/05/2018 06:43

He's still with us. The hospital are fed up with him because he's not cooperating and is making extra work for busy people. He has been told to stay for three weeks but is discharging himself today.
Thank you everybody, you have been wonderful.

OP posts:
IceSwan · 09/05/2018 06:56

Wonderful news. Although did they say they were fed up with him?!

Battleax · 09/05/2018 10:08

Smile What a relief for you.

ForgivenessIsDivine · 09/05/2018 10:11

Crickey, the hospital sound difficult. What a terrible way of dealing with things. Poor you, how stressful.

Mummyoflittledragon · 09/05/2018 12:42

Goodness me. I’m glad to hear it. Sounds as if he’s not cooperating. But why put you through that.

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