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Original poster

Need your honesty, no matter how brutal, i need to sort this out.

39 replies

deanychip · 01/02/2009 15:31

DS aged 5 in year one.
Not settled and unhappy at school.
I am called in regularly by the teacher over his behaviour, kicking, hitting, no concentration, distructive behaviour (drawing on tables, peeling paint off walls etc)

My feelings are anger, disapointment, cannot fathom what goes through his head to make him be like this.
Then, my feelings are poor little bugger, i need to stick up for him, i need to fight his corner and help him.

Feel so sorry for him and think, what have we done to him to make him like this, its our fault some how.

Im going to make an apppointment with teacher next week to have a chat about what we can do to help him.
I kind of know what to ask, but what can i ask to get the most out of the meeting?
What CAN i do to help him?
Im at a loss i will be honest,

OP posts:
daftpunk · 01/02/2009 15:33

hi

has he always been this way?....or just since starting school.

BBBee · 01/02/2009 15:35

This sounds very difficult.

I would try and start out by sharing the problem and being really focused on what both school and home can do to solve it.

Be very forward focused and try not to let either side creep into a 'blame game'.

A positive home school book comes to mind where you can both share positive things he has done to help reframe himself as someone who can behave at school (at the same time this subtly helps the teachers look for the good in him).

Oh and one ohter thing - this is not your fault. This is part of settling at school, part of him trying to understand things and work out what is going on.

PortAndLemon · 01/02/2009 15:37

Is he like this at home? Was it a problem in Reception or just this year?

Original poster
deanychip · 01/02/2009 15:40

Hi, i have always had issues with his behaviour since he was tiny, put it down to certain foods, drinks and if he is tired.

So with all that in mind, we are very careful.

He has been difficult at school, but these difficult periods have become less and less and he gets tons of praise.

last few weeks teacher described him as "a wild thing", kicking, hitting and destructive.

Good advice BB, im going to write stuff down so that i can remain focussed.

OP posts:
Original poster
deanychip · 01/02/2009 15:41

He isnt like this at home, no.
Its been since day 1 in reception.

OP posts:
lou031205 · 01/02/2009 15:42

I think first of all you need to answer 3 questions (yourself, rather than necessarily on here, lol):

-Are you surprised by this behaviour (i.e. is he like this at home, or is it very out of character?)

-Was he having problems in Year R at all, or is this a new change in school?

-Does anything make you think he might have an undiagnosed Special Need, rather than just settling problems?

Then we can go from there

luckylady74 · 01/02/2009 15:43

My ds1 has as and is 6. The most successful meetings I have with school (usually IEP - individual education plan meetings) are when I go in with a list of concerns, but I phrase every point 'I am concerned about ...., at home we are doing this about it .... and we were wondering if the school could do anythiong about it in the time you have with him.
I also try to start with thanks or praise for any support we've had off the school.
It generally goes the way I want it to - ie all my concerns get turned into targets with actions- if I do that.

If you are nonplussed as to where the behavior comes from and you think it's that serious then could you ask the school to refer to an ed psych?
I know what you mean about fighting his corner -I have to hold back tears at most meetings.
What is he like at home, what significant events might hav e affected him? Do you suspect any special needs?

Original poster
deanychip · 01/02/2009 15:44

Ok, I am not surprised by this behaviour.
He has always had problems in school
School say that he has no special needs, his school work is fine, its behaviour thats the problem.

OP posts:
Bakersman · 01/02/2009 15:45

Deany do you think he is just not being stretched at school so is bored?
Just a thought...
Good luck

lou031205 · 01/02/2009 15:45

xposts.

Well, something has happened in the last few weeks to escalate things, I would imagine.

Having said that, if you have always had issues with his behaviour, it is possible that you need to think about whether there is a medical cause, i.e. a SN.

You need to find out how the school are responding to his behaviours, also.

Original poster
deanychip · 01/02/2009 15:46

Oh THANKS luckylady, that is brilliant, very helpful thankyou.
I need someone to guide me with this. I cant see the woods for the trees becasue i get so emotional about it all. (am normally quite a tough cookie, its anything to do with my little boy, i go to bits)

OP posts:
lou031205 · 01/02/2009 15:48

I am a bit that school say he has no special needs because his school work is fine. They come in various forms, and a child doesn't need to underachieve to have a condition that affects their ability to engage in school activities and structure well.

Behavioural issues can be caused by SN, and a child with SN can be very good academically.

luckylady74 · 01/02/2009 15:48

My ds1's needs are mainly social - his academic stuff is bottem of normal range - his work would not show up his needs particularly.
Have the school got any nurture type groups going where they do social skills and anger management in small groups - could you suggest they did.
I find it hard to impact ds1's social skills at home because we need his peers to be here to do it properly!
What does he say about school? Does he like it, want to go in the morning?

daftpunk · 01/02/2009 15:49

ok..then you just have to ride the storm...

are you able to help out in the classroom....maybe once a week?

piscesmoon · 01/02/2009 15:49

To help we would have to know more.

Is he destructive at home? e.g does he break toys, draw on walls.

Does he have friends around to play? If so does he play nicely with them or does he kick etc.

Does he go to other children's houses-with you or without you? If so how does he react?

Do you have a break from him? e.g. does he stay with grandparents or similar? If so how does he behave with them?

Does he go to any activities outside school? If so how does he behave?

Does he concentrate at home? e.g can he listen to a story and discuss it? Can he do jigsaws, play a game?

Original poster
deanychip · 01/02/2009 15:50

Possibly not bieng stretched because he is a "doer" he isnt interested in computers, dvds etc, he is always on the go at home very busy boy.
He is of course made to sit and listen and concentrate for longer periods than he is able i think.

Does this mean he has sn?

I think that its normal 5 year old behaviour, but he is my only one so i just dont know what is normal.

OP posts:
Original poster
deanychip · 01/02/2009 15:59

He can be destructive at home yes,but its hard to describe to you. He doesnt draw on walls, but breaks toys without meaning to iyswim, its hard to explain.

He does have pals round to play, and he plays really nicely with them, they have a fab time. I can control his behaviour really easily, and he is so busy having a nice time that he is rarely agressive towards family kids or pals that come to play.
He claims to have no one to play with and no friends at school, teacher said this to me last week..."you do know he plays alone all of the time dont you?" she said.
He goes to one frinds house alone but only becasue the mother "gets him" and is fantastic with him. Otherwise i am too anxious for him to go and any way, he is never invited. (i have issues with my family, they dislike hom and are tottally intolerant of him so he never ever goes to their homes either with me or alone)GPs not interested, he doesnt go to them to give us a break no.

He loves jigsaws, books, jenga anything like that.....any engines or electrical type items, wants to know how they work...old stereos etc, we give to him to take to bits, spends ages doing this!
Does swimming but teacher is VERY strict so he responds very VERY well to her.

He sounds like an odd bod doesnt he!

OP posts:
luckylady74 · 01/02/2009 16:02

I think school is very hard for an active 5 yr old. I make my ds1 run to school every morning in the vain hope that it wears him out before he gets there.
If it is all boredom/excess energy then he needs to be stretched and exercised at school - my ds's teacher sends him into the school garden as much as possible in the afternoons and we are on our 4th indoor trampoline at home.
He really does need to learn to manage his anger and destructive behaviour if it's a consistent thing.Could you look for books online to help him with that? Does he respond well to targets/stickers/rewards? Does he need support from a teaching assistant to keep him on task - you could ask the school if they could apply for that?
I think the positive home school book sounds good - my ds1 does his reading at night only if I tell his teacher he's done it every day.

piscesmoon · 01/02/2009 16:05

He sounds fine-basically a nice boy with a few problems. I think that the social skills are at the bottom of it, the school day must seem alien if he hasn't a friend.
When you go into school to discuss it I would concentrate on the friendship issue and see how they can help. Nurture groups are good. If they don't have a buddy scheme see if they can start one. I think that if he had friends the rest would sort itself out as he is obviously bright.

Original poster
deanychip · 01/02/2009 16:07

So
Make a list

Write down his problems at school, explain how we tackle these problems effectively at home.

The problems that are out of our control, ask what we can do to tackle and help to stop these behaviours.

Ask about a one to one helper for a couple of weeks until he is ok.

Ride this storm until the next one rears its head.

Does that sound ok?

OP posts:
Original poster
deanychip · 01/02/2009 16:09

And ask about a buddy, thanks picses

OP posts:
ahundredtimes · 01/02/2009 16:14

Who are the children who come round? Are they not from school? If not, I would definitely look into having children from his class round. Hopefully this will help cement some relationships with them?

He sounds a live wire. BBee's advice was v.good I thought.

I think you need to be honest with yourself too. IME teacher's don't flag up what might just be a boisterous, lively 5 y-o unless they are exceptionally so. Teachers do tend to understand what a 5 y-o might be like.

Your list sounds good. He doesn't sound like he's very happy at school. Look into school playdates.

luckylady74 · 01/02/2009 16:16

A note of caution - they may informally be able to give him more of the ta's time at the moment, but anything formal has to be applied for and can take months - so I would really grovel/beg if I thought that was needed as it's a big deal for one child to get so much attention.
Is he sat on ther table nearest the teacher/ the one that tends to have the ta on it?
Could he have a buddy chosen from the older year groups for lunch time or break time.

Do you think the teacher/school are doing their jobs properly? Do you think this is the right school for him?Sorry to ask big questions - it's just it's been going on for a long time from what you've said - any clues as to the escalation in the last few weeks?

I am a list fanatic so yes list is the way to go!

Original poster
deanychip · 01/02/2009 16:46

I dont know if they are doing thier jobs, i have no experience of school so im not sure.
he is unhappy and doesnt want to go.

We have had one child back for tea last year from his class, other than that, he is never invited and we havent invited any one. He says that none of them are his friends.

Teacher says that of course no one will play with him if he hits and kicks them.

I think that a buddy is a great idea as the problems apear to be at play times/lunch times. Dinner ladies not happy with him.

OP posts:
ladycornyofsilke · 01/02/2009 17:01

A child with behavioural difficulties usually exhibits them at home as well as at school (although they may well be exacerbated at school.)
'School say that he has no special needs, his school work is fine, its behaviour that's the problem. '
My ds's school have said that about him all the way through primary school.Wouldn't give consideration to the possibility of learning difficulties as his assessment scores were age appropriate. He is actually dyslexic with a very high IQ.
I'm not suggesting that your child has SN, but just because he's keeping up with the class doesn't mean that he isn't finding some areas difficult. Has he had his hearing / eyesight checked recently?