Need your honesty, no matter how brutal, i need to sort this out.

[deanychip]

DS aged 5 in year one.
Not settled and unhappy at school.
I am called in regularly by the teacher over his behaviour, kicking, hitting, no concentration, distructive behaviour (drawing on tables, peeling paint off walls etc)

My feelings are anger, disapointment, cannot fathom what goes through his head to make him be like this.
Then, my feelings are poor little bugger, i need to stick up for him, i need to fight his corner and help him.

Feel so sorry for him and think, what have we done to him to make him like this, its our fault some how.

Im going to make an apppointment with teacher next week to have a chat about what we can do to help him.
I kind of know what to ask, but what can i ask to get the most out of the meeting?
What CAN i do to help him?
Im at a loss i will be honest,

That's so sad that he has few friends - are the school doing anything to help him with that?

Oh deany it is hard this. You are asking all the right questions I think. It does sound as though his behaviour is more challenging than the norm.

I think - as well as school - you should look into finding some people to come home. When he says 'they aren't my friends' go for bright and firm 'well, let's find one to make as a friend.' The teacher is right too of course.

What's at the root of it all do you think? IME children who kick and bite others by Y1 are either v. impulsive or frightened in some way. Usually frightened because they don't understand what is going on.

How about asking for a behaviour specialist to go in? That is what we did with DS2, this highlighted that :-

1. the lunchtime staff were being over zealous

and sending him to the Head when there was no need, they could have dealt with it.

1. the stuff in the classroom and outside was

85% of the time not his fault, he was being set up.

1. because of being told off so many times, he

just took the punishment when it was not even his fault because it was easier for him to do this rather than get into an argument with the teacher trying to fight his corner.

Oh and my boy is lively, a free spirit and when this was going on, the blardy teacher was trying to pigeon hole him into a round box which he did not fit.

The next teacher he had in Yr2 was fantastic and she totally got where he was coming from and I am not saying he is 100% but she put him on the right track.

He does fiddle, he always likes to be first, he likes to help and needs lots and lots of praise.

I think there is some good advice here, ime children rarely just decide to be naughty, there is generally an underlying cause, I am a bit about the idea that work is fine so no SN. Not saying he has SN just that I do work with a few kids who have good work but need help with social and emotional skills.

Go in positive, you and the school need to work together on this, tell them what works for you with him. Make it clear you want to work with them to find the best support for ds, and keep communication open so you can back up at home, maybe a call home so you can praise good stuff or discuss issues of the day?

Something needs to change in their approach, be it a reward system, more challenging work, more active time, more investigation into possible SN, support in helping him make friends.. maybe all these things?

Code of practice says ?Schools should not assume that children?s learning difficulties always result solely, or even mainly, from problems within the child. A school?s own practices make a difference ? for good or ill.?

Could also be applied to behaviour.

Deany, this is a bit of a sensitive question, but might help to identify things a bit clearer:

Do you honestly (loyalty to your DS aside) feel that your relatives are intolerant and don't like your DS? Or is it more the case that his behaviour is hard to tolerate?

If it is the second, he might benefit from you asking your GP for a Paed referral.

"Something needs to change in their approach, be it a reward system, more challenging work, more active time, more investigation into possible SN, support in helping him make friends.. maybe all these things?"

Agree completely with Wonderstuff. As parents we obviously want to encourage our kids to behave and get on OK with their peers - but as we're not on the school premises, there is only a limited amount we can do to deal with behaviour at school.

In my heart, i know that my family are completely intollerant of any child who makes sound, talks, moves, asks questions or who is a (thier words) a fucking nuisance.

My sisters boy is glued to one of those play ds electronic game thingies. Never talks etc....therefore well behaved.
We as a family are active doers. They do not get this. we went to my sisters about 18 months ago to take a present round, ds and her boy were playing with lego, chatting and laughing...sister says " he is SO loud your ds, no wonder no one likes him, you let him get away with bieng too loud"...make of that what you will but in mind i was screaming "you fucking nasty freak, i feel sorry for your child" My sister actually says that "she HATES kids".

I really dont think that his behaviour is too much for people. He is easily controlled, i employ the naughty step every now and again with good effect, take things off him etc.

I am taken aback becuase the good behaviour is consistant for weeks and weeks then suddenly he has these bouts of difficulties. Surely some one with special needs is not able to do this?? (i dont know about these things).

Any how, i have a meeting with teacher tomorrow. See what she says.

He is very lively and curious with tons of energy, but he is bright, chatty, sweet and lovable.

Deany could you ds go to beavers or a similar group so he gets used to being in social environment without the extra school issues?

at your family.

My ds (now year 2) was in a different school last year. His behaviour was totally out of control. He was agressive, withdrawn, disruptive, didn't want to do anything outside school.

Now, I knew that the school environment was problematic (it was clearly a school in crisisl) but none of the other kids there were playing up to this degree, so I put it down in part to his environment and in part to him and in part (let's be honest) to me.

Long story short. Moved him to very nice, fairly relaxed state school in September, result - a different child. Totally normal, happy and engaged - which is more than I dared hope for Don't underestimate what the wrong school environment can do to certain children

Good luck.

So sorry about your family - that's incredibly offensive of your parents and sister
You say his misbehaviour is inconsistent, but his unhappiness is continuous? I know it's easier said than done, but are other schools or home ed an option? Obviously you need to give school a chance to sort things out, but it must be so hard for you and him to face this every week day.
Do let us know how the meeting goes.
Good luck.

Deany what about this Mum of his friend, the one who "gets" him an dso he likes her and likes his friend? Could you talk to her do you think?

TBH he sounds exactly like me at 5 years old. Not diagnosed with AS but definitely borderline (hey he should come to Cambridge where we're all like that... ). Frustration used to just burst out into bouts of destructive behaviour. Eventually my sister grew up and got quite good at guiding me away from things that would be frustrating, but golly it took a long time and a lot of tears.
It could be that this other Mum has had someone close to her in a similar situation and kind of knows how to head off the frustration.

Your family sound exactly like the rest of my family (other than my sister) - 32 years on my parents still talk about me to their friends, as being a sulky antisocial little freak whom they suspect of being autistic....