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Original poster

Sending children to different schools…

43 replies

Loveandstuff · 06/07/2024 22:46

I have a dilemma that I’d like some opinions on please.

My DS is 12, about to finish Yr7. He has an ASD diagnosis, just about coping in mainstream secondary school but has struggled with violent/challenging behaviour for many years. He has suspected ODD so it’s tough for all of us. He’s a child who at school, everyone knows and probably not in a good way most of the time. He gets himself a reputation for his ‘odd behaviour’ and occasional lashing out.

My neurotypical DD is 10 (yr5) hates her older brother despite us explaining his needs and how he can’t always help how he behaves. It really affects her. He lashes out at her and she obviously witnesses what goes on in the house. We are coming up to now considering secondary schools for her. In usual circumstances, we’d accept that she would follow in her brothers footsteps to the same school as him. However, she’s adamant she does NOT want to go to the same school and wants a place at the second nearest, which we could possibly get a place at.

Whenever I have mentioned her joining her brother at his school, she bursts into tears.

What do I do? I can see pros and cons. Both within walking distance. She’d get her independence away from her older brother and a ‘safe’ environment where he’s not there. However, if I don’t send her to the same school, what will my son think! It’s all so stressful and I could use some guidance on this. Thanks all.

OP posts:
SecretToryVoter · 06/07/2024 22:48

Why are you worried what your son will think? Are you worried about how he will react?

I think you need to respect your DDs wishes here and apply for the school she wants

Bibbetybobbity · 06/07/2024 22:49

Oh I would definitely send her to a different school. It sounds tough all round, but this could be a great fresh start. Depending on how much your ds would care I’d probably just keep it quite light but factual.

Hedonism · 06/07/2024 22:51

I'd go different school too. Tell your ds it is a better fit for her.

Original poster
Loveandstuff · 06/07/2024 22:52

SecretToryVoter · 06/07/2024 22:48

Why are you worried what your son will think? Are you worried about how he will react?

I think you need to respect your DDs wishes here and apply for the school she wants

Thank you, yeah I think I am a bit worried about how he will react. He has quite a negative view on things and already thinks DD is the “favourite younger child” so I am concerned it will stoke things. The school she wants is more established and often considered a better school than his, he knows about this reputation. I don’t want to breed further resentment I guess!

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Pinkypinkyplonk · 06/07/2024 22:52

Just tell him there were no spaces for her at his school, or that all kids are different and that school B is more suitable for his sisters needs. Don’t make her go to the same school as him, she needs her independence

DoreenonTill8 · 06/07/2024 22:55

SecretToryVoter · 06/07/2024 22:48

Why are you worried what your son will think? Are you worried about how he will react?

I think you need to respect your DDs wishes here and apply for the school she wants

This, and He lashes out at her so he's physically violent to her and your big worry is about him being upset she's not going to his school? Why does he want her there?

clary · 06/07/2024 22:56

Yeh I think you need to listen to your DD here. Sounds as tho the other school is fine and I cannot see any cons tbh. If it's walking distance and you would get a place and it would make your DD happy then why not? You could always tell your son that this school suited DD better because <insert reason such as MFL she is interested in, music option, sports club she wants to do, friend who is going there>

Marblessolveeverything · 06/07/2024 22:59

Give her the reprieve from him. Rightly or wrongly she has to endure his attacks at home and have his needs override hers.

Giving her a place away from him lets her form her independence and not have his behaviour shadow her experience of school. I fully appreciate it isn't his fault.

modgepodge · 06/07/2024 22:59

What your son thinks doesn’t trump your daughter’s feelings here. If I were her I’d absolutely want to go somewhere new, not where I’d be known as ‘X’s sister’ and potentially have a reputation before she even starts. Let her apply to the other school.

MultiplaLight · 06/07/2024 23:02

Why would you not send her?

If you force her to go to his school because of his reaction, you're handing control of her life over to him and it sounds like he has enough influence already.

Onekidnoclue · 06/07/2024 23:02

I was in a similar situation. I was at a school with my autistic younger brother. I HATED it. I was known as his sister. Called in by school to deal with him. Awful. I was desperate to go to a different school. Finally got to escape in year 10 and it was a huge relief. Please let her go to school on her own. In my experience being a teenage girl is bloody tough. Doing it in an unhappy home is brutal. Throw in violence from a sibling and that’s horrendous. Please let her have school to herself.

DoreenonTill8 · 06/07/2024 23:05

@Marblessolveeverything Rightly or wrongly she has to endure his attacks at home and have his needs override hers.
Rightly?!! What? Rightly she endures his attacks??

wheresthebigcarrot · 06/07/2024 23:10

She gets to go to whichever school she chooses. Does he physically abuse her?

Original poster
Loveandstuff · 06/07/2024 23:14

wheresthebigcarrot · 06/07/2024 23:10

She gets to go to whichever school she chooses. Does he physically abuse her?

Yep, occasionally when he’s on one and she does something he considers irritating like in the car. We separate them permanently now where we can, they’re never alone together.

OP posts:
Original poster
Loveandstuff · 06/07/2024 23:15

Onekidnoclue · 06/07/2024 23:02

I was in a similar situation. I was at a school with my autistic younger brother. I HATED it. I was known as his sister. Called in by school to deal with him. Awful. I was desperate to go to a different school. Finally got to escape in year 10 and it was a huge relief. Please let her go to school on her own. In my experience being a teenage girl is bloody tough. Doing it in an unhappy home is brutal. Throw in violence from a sibling and that’s horrendous. Please let her have school to herself.

This really resonated, thank you.

OP posts:
DoreenonTill8 · 06/07/2024 23:16

Loveandstuff · 06/07/2024 23:14

Yep, occasionally when he’s on one and she does something he considers irritating like in the car. We separate them permanently now where we can, they’re never alone together.

Show quote history

So he's physically violent but your first worry is to pander to him? Also sounds like you feel it's her fault but he just can't help himself, or you see her being just as responsible as him for him assaulting her.
What a scary existence for her, I imagine to feel so unsafe and at risk at home.

GoFigure235 · 06/07/2024 23:18

With respect, your son has no business having an opinion on where your DD goes to school. Just tell him it's none of his business.

As for physically attacking his sister, he's over the age of criminal responsibility so it's a crime and he could be prosecuted for it. I'd tell him that in no uncertain terms.

I'm really sorry - you're struggling and I don't want to put the boot in - but it does sound like he rules the roost at home. His needs are important but they don't override everyone else's.

Inthemosquitogarden · 06/07/2024 23:21

ds with asd and he absolutely goes to a different school from his sibling. Most people I know through support groups have their dc at different schools. Mix of private and state and comps and grammars. But absolutely no expectation that siblings should go to the same school.

urbanbuddha · 06/07/2024 23:23

I hope she gets in to the school she wants and I hope you have a backup which isn’t your son’s school in case she doesn’t. Her life sounds a bit miserable just now tbh.

itwontletmechoose · 06/07/2024 23:25

I went to a different secondary school to 2 out of the 4 of us. And we all got on! We were just all different personalities and there was luckily a choice close by.

My 3 children all go to different schools!

SonicTheHodgeheg · 06/07/2024 23:31

Just tell your ds that dd was rejected from his school. He’s not going to see her application so won’t know if you listed his school as number 2.

Your dd isn’t unreasonable to want this. She wants to be known as herself rather than brother of ds1. She’s entering a self conscious time of life and will probably be happier with the break from her brother.

purpleme12 · 06/07/2024 23:32

From this post, I can't see a good enough reason to deny your daughter what she wants

Quitelikeacatslife · 06/07/2024 23:34

Choose the right school for the child it will make no difference to you for secondary. I have 2 at different schools and no issues with it at all.

Original poster
Loveandstuff · 06/07/2024 23:39

DoreenonTill8 · 06/07/2024 23:16

So he's physically violent but your first worry is to pander to him? Also sounds like you feel it's her fault but he just can't help himself, or you see her being just as responsible as him for him assaulting her.
What a scary existence for her, I imagine to feel so unsafe and at risk at home.

Edited
Show quote history

Not sure where I said it was her fault. We’ve been dealt the cards we’ve been dealt, a son with a disability who struggles with the world and a daughter who didn’t ask to be born into this scenario. I asked for an opinion on the school, not your opinion on my life but cheers for that.

OP posts:
Original poster
Loveandstuff · 06/07/2024 23:42

GoFigure235 · 06/07/2024 23:18

With respect, your son has no business having an opinion on where your DD goes to school. Just tell him it's none of his business.

As for physically attacking his sister, he's over the age of criminal responsibility so it's a crime and he could be prosecuted for it. I'd tell him that in no uncertain terms.

I'm really sorry - you're struggling and I don't want to put the boot in - but it does sound like he rules the roost at home. His needs are important but they don't override everyone else's.

He doesn’t rule the roost, not sure how that has been portrayed from this post, apologies if it has. His behaviour is unacceptable and is treated as such with clear boundaries and consequences for violence.

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