Sending children to different schools…

[Loveandstuff]

I have a dilemma that I’d like some opinions on please.

My DS is 12, about to finish Yr7. He has an ASD diagnosis, just about coping in mainstream secondary school but has struggled with violent/challenging behaviour for many years. He has suspected ODD so it’s tough for all of us. He’s a child who at school, everyone knows and probably not in a good way most of the time. He gets himself a reputation for his ‘odd behaviour’ and occasional lashing out.

My neurotypical DD is 10 (yr5) hates her older brother despite us explaining his needs and how he can’t always help how he behaves. It really affects her. He lashes out at her and she obviously witnesses what goes on in the house. We are coming up to now considering secondary schools for her. In usual circumstances, we’d accept that she would follow in her brothers footsteps to the same school as him. However, she’s adamant she does NOT want to go to the same school and wants a place at the second nearest, which we could possibly get a place at.

Whenever I have mentioned her joining her brother at his school, she bursts into tears.

What do I do? I can see pros and cons. Both within walking distance. She’d get her independence away from her older brother and a ‘safe’ environment where he’s not there. However, if I don’t send her to the same school, what will my son think! It’s all so stressful and I could use some guidance on this. Thanks all.

Plenty of families have kids in different secondary schools. At 12 I doubt your son has inside knowledge on the ins and outs of school allocation.
You don't even need to tell him your daughter choose the other school (and frankly it's none of his business anyway). You can just say that's what she got, and she's going. End of.

I have ADHD and my husband is autistic (although not as severe as your son appears to be and obviously all ND people are different) but when autistic people get an idea in their heads it can be very hard to dissuade them.

No matter how much you plead, logic it out etc.. if your son already has a seeming 'negative view' of your daughter this will colour everything she does, that he deems 'better'. Today it's school. Tomorrow it will be uni choice. etc.

That doesn't mean you should deny your daughter something that's good for her, on the basis that 'your son will take it badly'.

On the basis of unfairness towards your son? yes.
On the basis of his disproportionate reaction coloured by his own subjective view? Absolutely not.

Let your daughter go to a different school.

I'm sure that's right and I apologise if it seemed like I was being critical. I guess what I'm not clear on is why you seem think he has any say whatsoever in where his sister goes to school.

I don’t think he has a say, I worry the effect it will have as he’s not this violent beast all the time and he has moments of slow down and vulnerability where he explains his rationale for feeling second best. I just have concern that his MH will be affected perhaps if he deems we have sent her to another school for whatever reason he conjures in his mind (better school for a better child blah blah) BUT

My daughter is the priority in this scenario and I totally respect what she wants to do. I think I know what route we will be taking tbf.

Rightly asin having her daughter and son love in the family home together. I meant as in it may not be preventable unless the family separate which I would do.

Ah OK @Marblessolveeverything I get you! Jumped to wrong conclusion apologies as so many threads like this have posters insisting she should have to accept this behaviour and just be glad she doesn't have his stressors!

My DD2 may end up going to a different school to DD1. I haven't given it too much thought yet but thought I'd better give her the same opportunity to look around, state a preference,apply for the selective ones if she wants to, as i did for DD1. There's 4 years between them too and catchments and staffing have changed since DD1 applied. I get why it feels weird but to me it seems just as unfair to just dictate dd2's her school choice on the basis of DD1's as it does to potentially send her to a "better" school than was available to DD1.

@DoreenonTill8 completely understand your comment, I wasn't clear to be fair.

We have had sadly situation in extended family that makes me a little biased. As a family we came together and rota supporting the now adult with high needs and the younger now nearing college in separate homes.

We believe it has given her the childhood that would not have been possible if the family unit lived together.

Not ideal but the best outcome in a society that doesn't really have adequate supports.

My 3 DC have all gone to different schools, they are individuals with different needs, interests, strengths and weaknesses and went to the school that suited them best. As long as practically they can get to and from school it's no big deal. My 2 DB's and I went to different schools too for similar reasons.

I sent mine to different schools deliberately? It wasn't fair on dd2 to be compared to her dsis

Yes I think she should be allowed to go to a different school. My DD has two children, both neurodivergent and they go to two different schools as she chose the ones which would best meet their needs and they would be happy at.

You should allow her to go where she wants.

my oldest has SEN, both kids went to the same primary, youngest was always “DS1 brother”. They went to separate secondaries (DS1 went to a special school) and it was good for DS2 to have his own identity.

I think you DS will find any negative whichever school they are at - it’s part of being ASD -

I had 3 children at 3 different schools - only downside was parents evening often clashed as did sports days and remembering XYZ for each of them!!

Get a calendar and keep on top of things.

Friends DD is also called to see to her DB as he often has meltdowns and she misses classes, she has to make sure he gets the bus and can’t sit with her friends etc - awful for her really.

Update: she got the school she wanted. We actually applied on medical/social grounds to the other school due to the impact on her and were accepted under that. So she will have her space independent from her older brother.

well done mama
being a parent is so difficult. I wish you and your kids the best

That's great news! Hopefully she'll feel happier having a space that is all hers.

Sorry - didn't realise this was an update on an old post

Wonderful news for your dd.

Having initially not spotted this was an update I was going to suggest all girls schooling as an excuse/work around.

Funnily enough we did consider this but the single sex school even further from us and harder to get into! Thank you for replying though :)