Different levels of Educations for DCs?

[Revengers18]

Hello lovely people of mumsnet,

I have 3 DC, DS age 10, DD age 9 and DD2 age 2...

We are looking at secondary schools for DS at the moment, we have sent the application for DS but have also applied to a private school as a back up in case he doesn't get in to his top choice... The private school is amazing, DS loved it there and would do so well, he is bright but needs pushing and smaller class sizes and we felt that the school really offered that. However, we could really only afford to send one child to private school and that is if we even get a bursary...

DD is very artistic and loves craftwork, she is very self motivated and she would also do amazing at the single sex independent that we have close by, however, she much preferred the super selective and is determined to go there and so has started 11+ tuition for this.

However, my question is, would you send one child to private school if you could not afford to send the second? I'm worried that DD might think that we put her second and didn't try to give her the same kind of education that we gave DS. Or is it that simply they suited different schools regardless of the fees?

I'm very confused and I want to give them both the best chance I can but at the same time I don't want them to become resentful of us or each other.

Would appreciate any views with regards to this? Have any other posters done this and how did it all turn out?

TIA

No I wouldn’t. It’s either both or neither for me. You’re setting the one who doesn’t go up for a lifetime of thinking they’re second best. Obviously if there were specific issues such as SEND, that’s a different story.

Also, she’ll effectively miss out twice-once on going to a few paying school and twice on the money to pay for holidays etc your son’s fees will be spent on.

I think your problem wold occur if your dd didn't get in to the Super Selective. If she was already there and happy then I would say go ahead with appying for ds but as it is what will you do if she doesn't get in?

I did have one child in private on a bursary and one in state school but the difference was that we could have afforded to send both private (in fact we did send ds private at first but it was a disaster & he is so much happier at the state school) also dd in private was at a specialist performing arts school on a dance place so not a suitable school for ds anyway.

I did this, and I was at pains to point the reality of the differences between ppl to them. That school is horses for courses, that a particular state schools might be a much more suitable option than a private (many don't compare well when measured on a like for like basis to state). Some DC will do well in most schools, fit in well with peers, find a good set of friends, and thrive, others won't. Boarding is another issue that highly unsuitable and distressing/harmful for some, yet fantastic for others.
If you more than one though, that is well suited to PS and would struggle at state, then mmm, theres a problem. You mentioned bursary availabilities, subsequent DC can attract a discount, and if you are successful in securing a bursary for one, I imagine you would be very likely to secure for another on the same basis, but more so as higher outgoing if already paying for one, and they would already have your financials.

We would apply on a bursary for DD too, the school is stricter with bursaries and it would be a great risk but by then DS might already be in the private school. It's a difficult situation but I don't want to not try for DS incase DD doesn't get in... That's not fair either...

We will of course be trying for DD too, hopefully both schools would take account of the children and the fee's in the bursary application...

Preparation for disappointment, and the adage, you can only try, the rest isbout of your hands, your DC will know you did all you could, and involving them in the decision is a huge part of that, then setting expectations as good private schools and state schools are over-subscribed, its a horrible luck of the draw, but outside of your control. There are better state schools, and vice versa, but depends whats in your area.
It can be the ongoing day to day living with fallout from one or other that could crop up, but setting expectations at start, and knowing that either can turn out to be great or notso, and having to live with that, or move them.
HTH

Essentially you are recognising the individuality of your DC and the diverse options the schools offer in your area to get a best fit for each.

No I wouldn't punish one of my children for being self-motivated or reward on for being lazy.

I absolutely believe that each child suits a school so I wouldn't and don't expect my kids to all go to the same secondary schools and would not have any issue with one going to a private and one a state school
However, if I've offered private to one then I need to be able to offer private to them all - whether they take it up must be down to their preferences and personalities not my bank balance.

No because my grandparents did it. One DD in private and one in local grammar even now over 50 years later ( both daughters in 70’s now) they still resent each other and have an awful relationship because of it. I have heard many other stories the same.
Give them the same educational opportunities you have to offer private to all 3 of your children or none.
My grandparents felt it was the best thing to do when DD2 failed 11plus but the fall out was awful, really really big issues between the girls they still argue and it still comes up . Btw both girls went into professional jobs equal qualifications in the end but no relationship left.

I'm sorry, but even within state schools one can be highly unsuitable for one DC but ideal for another. It depends on what factors are involved and the way in which this is presented. I can absolutely see how it can go badly wrong. I had one wasn't happy about certain aspects of private, and another happy to suck that up.. They made their choices, was a massive talking and hard decision making process. It's worked, but I think only because of setting expectation and the realities of individual DC and best suited school.

Do the best you can for each child at each decision time. Don't let the first miss out now on something because of what might (or not) happen with the other children further down the line. It doesn't mean you love any more than the others, you simply do your best within the means you have available at that time. You never know, you may get the state options you want for them all and don't need to worry too much anyway.

I totally believe in being ready to support each child going to different schools, that suit them each individually, but I wouldn't consider sending any of my dc to private school unless I could easily afford it, and afford it for each of them.
As has been pointed out above, if you then are limited on holidays or size of house or car choice or what you pay for your dc to do, etc., throughout the next 7 years, then that impacts on your other children much more than just different schools.
So, a no from me with usual caveat of exceptional circumstances.

I think sending different children to different schools is fine-different children have different needs and strengths. However, sending the first one to private when you know you can't do it for subsequent children is tricky. If it were the other way round and your first child was happy and settled in a super selective and didn't want to move then fair enough but what if she also wants to go to the private school? what if she doesn't get into the super selective or is unhappy there? I think as a pp said, if there is a SEN it is understandable but otherwise I think you could be stirring up trouble for the future

Whilst, providing schooling that is what a child needs sounds right, we read enough "My mum helped my sister buy her house, am I right in thinking she should cough up the same cash for me, even though me and DH already own our houses" and similar threads to know that siblings don't always recognise that needs play a part where finances come into it.

So I'd say it's a very high risk for only a marginal difference if your son only really needs the school for a bit of an extra push, then that's not even gaining much. And that's before you need to tighten your belts and your other child starts missing out to keep her there.

My DBro was paid for at a private school by my parents. I got a scholarship. They told me that if I had not got a scholarship they would not have been able to afford for me to go. I am still resentful about it 40 years later!!

I don't think it is fair to spend 50k (?) on one child if you can't afford to spend the same on the other two.
Better to send them all to state and to use the money on focussed tutoring as and when needed, or for extra curricular to nurture special interests.

It would be more OK to send one private and one state if it was the best option for them, and you could have afforded two private. But in your case I would say No.

Money is a non-issue, as in DC should not be involved in that, and the decision should be purely around best fit, ....and funds permit.
Where you'd come unstuck is if best fit was PS for both and funds didn't allow, but all different DC, so not sure about that.
PPs have spoke of the unhealthy pressure of DPs spending 'money on your education' to perform. Not sure I'm saying that very clearly.

We have had children in all different types of establishment. I don't think you can choose private for DC1 without knowing that if it was best fit for DC2 you couldn't afford it. It doesn't mean that you have to choose private for DC2 just because you did for DC1. You take each child as an individual and look at the options available to you at the time and then pick best fit IMO.
We have three DC. DC1 at superselective thrived. DC2 also got in to a superselective, it wasn't a great fit but DC1's experience was so positive and the school was , of course, free and so we chose it against our better instincts. We eventually moved him , too late, ... long story.By the time DC3 was this age we were very circumspect. The older DC had left school and so finance was less of an issue. We looked at all our options and chose for him. He attends a highly selective boy's private school. No one is jealous ; they all understand that there are only a few options and we have made our choices from them as best we could for each individual.

Personally I wouldn't. I think the possibility for resentment is too high, and I would also feel uncomfortable about the gender dynamic of the male child getting the private education.

I do appreciate that different schools suit different children, but I think it needs to at least be the case that all the children have the option of going private if that's what suits them best.

If they all go state then presumably that would free up funds for enrichment activities, holidays and tutoring (if necessary).

Money is a non-issue, as in DC should not be involved in that, and the decision should be purely around best fit, ....and funds permit.

Completely wrong, if it was a one off, and it was absolutely one hundred percent a clear cut decision, then that might be true (but only might, since "funds permit" is quite a tricky thing, as even removing the opportunity of a future intervention on the other child should influence it.)

But where you're committing to six or more years, and a huge financial burden, on something which cannot be reliably measured as being right - even if it was the right school at 11, who's to say it would be at 14 or 16, kids change, schools change. In any case, the kids should be aware and know what things cost, including their education, they should be involved in the decision.

DP's parents did this thirty years ago. They still believe and stand by their decision, DP and his sibling have no relationship at all anymore and both have poor relationships with their parents. It's a bit like when inheritances aren't equal, it feels like an uneven distribution of love even if logic tells you otherwise.

SirFred I agree that kids should absolutely be taught the value of money etc, but I think involving them in discussions about the cost of their education and the "huge financial burden" it entails would really pile on the pressure. Even more so in a scenario where only one child is at a fee paying school - focusing on the financial element could really breed resentment.

JeanPagett If your children are not aware how much private education costs, then their education is not progressing well, and highlighting the fact that knowing it might cause resentment really demonstrates why it's a bad idea unless the needs really are so different and the kids understand it.

The issue will not happen if either your DS gets his first choice and /or your DD gets into her first choice as both are state.
But as you’re saying you’d need a bursary even for DS1 to attend private school, then I honestly think you can’t afford it and should look at treating the children the same within your budget, ie state schools.
From your post, neither has additional needs or an outstanding skill that could be best met in a private school, it’s simply that you feel DS1 would do better, and honestly wouldn’t the vast majority of students do better if they were in smaller classes with fewer disruptive students?
How will you feel if you pay for DS1, then DD doesn’t get a place at the super selective and isn’t offered a bursary place at the private? You’d be putting huge pressure in her to perform at admissions tests, is that fair on a 10 year old? If she fails you have no back up but her older brother continues in private school!