Different levels of Educations for DCs?

[Revengers18]

Hello lovely people of mumsnet,

I have 3 DC, DS age 10, DD age 9 and DD2 age 2...

We are looking at secondary schools for DS at the moment, we have sent the application for DS but have also applied to a private school as a back up in case he doesn't get in to his top choice... The private school is amazing, DS loved it there and would do so well, he is bright but needs pushing and smaller class sizes and we felt that the school really offered that. However, we could really only afford to send one child to private school and that is if we even get a bursary...

DD is very artistic and loves craftwork, she is very self motivated and she would also do amazing at the single sex independent that we have close by, however, she much preferred the super selective and is determined to go there and so has started 11+ tuition for this.

However, my question is, would you send one child to private school if you could not afford to send the second? I'm worried that DD might think that we put her second and didn't try to give her the same kind of education that we gave DS. Or is it that simply they suited different schools regardless of the fees?

I'm very confused and I want to give them both the best chance I can but at the same time I don't want them to become resentful of us or each other.

Would appreciate any views with regards to this? Have any other posters done this and how did it all turn out?

TIA

I went private and sibling didn’t, she suited a state school better. There’s no resentment, I seriously don’t think either of us have ever given it a moments thought.
I sent 2 to prep and 1 to state primary, not an issue at all.

The difference is that a) we could afford it easily and so could my parents so there was never anything that we didn’t do as a result of paying fees so there was no material impact on the non private children. B) the fact that the school was private was never raised as a conversation, just that we were going to the best schools for us.

As it happens mine are at state secondary together but I’d have no hesitation in sending one private and one state again if it was the right thing for them.

SirFred Obviously children grasp that private school costs money. What I said is that involving them in discussions about the impact those school fees have on the family finances and the affordability for their particular family is unnecessary. My kids don't know precisely what we earn or how much the mortgage is either 

As for breeding resentment, I agree, that's why I've said I wouldn't do it.

Hmmm, thanks for your views, it really has given me food for thought.

I'm going to discuss with my husband if we could potentially send DD to private school too, otherwise we will reconsider it all.

My decision was swayed when my DD just yesterday mentioned that none of the schools that we had suggested (the selectives) even though some are the top and very good were private schools and DS's is a private school. She has picked up on this and I don't want her ever thinking that she comes second or in future to think that as the girl, she came second to a boys education.

It really is a difficult situation sometimes, even though different schools suit them, we need to treat them both fairly, these things could have repercussions later.

If we could afford both after all with some bursary then I would still go down the private option for DS and will apply to all that I think DD is capable of be it selective or private and whatever she gets in to we will make a decision then based on the school rather than finances.

Thanks for the input, most have confirmed my niggles that it just didn't feel right.

She is labouring under the false impression that PS is somehow superior, she is wrong. They are not, she would not be having something 'less' just because of not going there. She needs to understand this, as she has clearly put PSs on a pedestal. She could easily get a better education and experience in a state school, as many have attested on here.
Both your DC need to understand this as your DS could end up feeling over-entitled if he has this idea now and your DD somehow 'less than' and its simply not reality.

It's also luck of the draw, getting in I mean, its not a linear process.

I don't think it's a good idea to give one so much and the other not. Could lead to massive resentment later down the line.

Send him private in year 9

I don't agree with giving them all the same at the same time.
We have managed to support ds1 (27) very little since he left school, just because of circumstances completely out of our control/ Gov Policies.

Ds 2 is 23 and has had very little support financially, but we expect to give him the same as ds1 within the next 4 years.

Dd is going to cost us most of what we have free when it's her turn, far more than the others have had, including a specialist education, worth 32k per year. (we don't pay this)

We are aware they need different financial support at different times.
As long as they are both treated fairly, they don't have to have the same.

When ds1 needed an interest free loan for 2k, we didn't rush out and spend 2k on the others.

We keep good financial records and when we die it's all fair and square.

'give one so much'. It's giving each their best chance! It's treating each as an individual. It's acknowledging the realities of each [state & PS] having shortcomings and strengths, and the reality of 'best fit' for one is really not 'best fit' for another. Unless you are talking purely about money. Then that shouldn't be part of the discussion with DC anyway.

Personally I think you are recognising each child as individuals..? My brother went to private secondary schools because he wouldn't have coped in mainstream, no diagnosed SEN, it was just a better environment for him, my other brother and I went to grammar schools.. so maybe I would have felt differently if I'd have had to go to comprehensive and he went to private school. But I never saw it as him getting a better education than me or being treated any 'better'. It would be a huge risk if your daughter didn't get into a grammar school but if you think the private school is better for your son right now then that's what you've got to go for, why hold him back just because you don't know what's going to happen in the future for your daughter? You've got to do what's right for each child at the time. People harp on about equality for each child but each child has different needs you can't do exactly the same for one as you can for the other. Plus you know your daughter will cope a lot better with her education wherever she goes.

I am considering moving my eldest to private primary school and the other 2 will stay in state. This isn't because I'm giving him any privilege over the others, despite what some may believe or say. It is because he will benefit greatly from smaller classes, more 1 to 1. My other 2 of course would benefit from it too but they are thriving in state and don't NEED it like my eldest does. No one knows your children like you do.

@super63,

This is exactly my predicament! In an ideal world we would be able to afford the same for both, my youngest dd is only 2 so by the time she is secondary school age we might be in a much better position to afford it comfortably. At the moment though with the two we might not and the different schools are better for them from what we saw.

The PS is suited to my son much more, I feel like it gives him the opportunities he requires and also the discipline that the state school doesn't give him. This is not to say that state schools are bad, I personally went to a state school and done well enough but the one he is likely to get in to just isn't the right one for him...

Meanwhile, my daughter might get into the one she actually liked which is the selective school and she would thrive there from what we've seen and liked about the school, I don't think she needs to go private just because it's private, just because her brother did, but then it would be argued that we are providing more for one child over the other and though we personally know that that isn't the case we don't want them growing up resentful and with my daughter thinking she came second best.

It's a difficult situation, to hold back DS for the sake of fairness or to out him in the PS and risk resentment from DD even though we are helping her towards achieving the school she does want through private tutors etc which she has requested herself?

Hmmm, it is unfair either way...

*put

@Revengers18 but throughout life you will always need to treat them slightly differently, one will need something financially that the other doesn't! You could do all of this and then they could still resent you over something else, to me the child's education is mainly up to the parent, as a parent knows what's best for the child. A child might want to go to xyz school because their friend is going there but if you know that's not the right school for them you wouldn't go for it, well I wouldn't anyway 🙄just my opinion. I'd go for it. You'll be putting as much into your daughter as you do for your son but in different ways. Will it be a huge financial burden on you as in giving up holidays etc?

I would between a grammar and a private school but not been a non selective state school and a private school.

But the truth is you don’t know if your DD will get into the grammar school!
Perhaps look at transferring your DS to the private if your DD gets a place at the grammar.

Beautifulgirls - if you make the decision based on only current circumstances you favour the oldest in giving him greatest school choice. You must take into account reasonably anticipated consequences eg: younger child not getting into super selective (what is the back up plan?).

People have made good points about less money to spend on holidays or extra curricular activities for the younger (and 3rd child); and possible resentment later.

Ideally all combinations should be assessed (eg how good is the non private alternative for the oldest and the non private non super selective for the 2nd?)

I think involving kids is important. Framed in the right way though, emphasising that you don’t demand perfect results but need to talk about how the family should spend money. You would like to be equal but they are individuals with different strengths and different school options. For all you know they might prefer you to save money to help them with uni fees or a house deposit or maybe to take up a niche sport like fencing or a travel experience?