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Original poster

My son has hardly any friends ( please help) Low self estem

37 replies

happycat · 18/03/2004 10:55

I am really having trouble with my ds1 at the moment he is not friends anymore with a boy he first meet in reception they have not been friends since November.I never liked this boy anyway because he dominated DS1 and wouldn't let him play with anyone else.DS1 finds it hard enough to make friends anyway.Now the boy keeps hitting DS1 and ruining DS1 games he plays with another boy.He doesn't want to be friends with him and dosen't want anyone else to play with him.what can I do I have been to the school on a number of times and they more or less say its out of their hands and boys play like that.what can i do to encrease his number of friends.he now walks around saying nobdy likes him it breaks my heart.I have been keeping a bulling diary and have taken photo's of cuts and brusies.Yesterday he was triped up by this boy and 2 other children witnessed it.When i spoke to the head teacher she said she saw the whole thing and it was an just playing.I know the boys mother won't have a word said about her children and has had run in's with the head before and I feel that she is just covering up to save herself trouble.I feel like my hands are tied and feel very down.Has anyone got any suggestions please

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Original poster
happycat · 18/03/2004 10:56

Sorry about typing and spellings baby on lap

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ks · 18/03/2004 11:03

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jmg · 18/03/2004 11:09

happycat - in terms of increasing your DSs group of friends can you invite play mates over after school. I found this an excellent way of helping my DD grow a bigger group of friends in her reception year. IMO they are too young to have specific friends at this age.

I agree with KS you must get the school to take more responsibility for your DSs physical and mental wellbeing than they are currently doing.

reallyembarrassedbut · 18/03/2004 11:14

Sorry to be boring, but what they said!

We came close to having this problem, and if you make enough noise the school will do something about it, which is their obligation.

It can help if you can encourage other friends, out of school as well as from school.

We ended up asking our Son to try and look after the other children who were being picked on and left out, and that gave him some confidence too.

Most of all, make sure he isn't tempted to fight back, otherwise you get the grief for being the aggressor

Original poster
happycat · 18/03/2004 11:20

The head told me yesterday that she knows that he is my baby but, he has to toughen up a bit.She said that it is normal play for boys of their age.She said yes it does get rough out there sometimes.I feel angry though I have two boys and yes I do know what boys are like but I don't belive the school should be letting things go that far.I wouldn't at home.The school also has no dinner ladies now due to school budgets being cut.I am feed up with ripped clothes and cuts and bruises and a tearfull 7 year old who now has no interest in anything.I think he is suffering from depression.Thank you for your help

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jmg · 18/03/2004 11:23

I think you are quite right to be upset about this. I would ask the head how they would define bullying if this does not meet the criteria. Your son is upset and distressed, it doesn;t matter how she thinks he should feel but how he does feel.

I think you should give her one more chance then if you get no joy go to the LEA. You'll find that she will become much more responsive once they are involved.

twiglett · 18/03/2004 11:23

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ks · 18/03/2004 11:32

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Original poster
happycat · 18/03/2004 11:38

Head also said that I was welcome to come and walk around the playground one lunchtime to see just how they all behave ?

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ks · 18/03/2004 11:48

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Original poster
happycat · 18/03/2004 12:32

I am on the P.T.A so I know her fairly well which is making it more difficult to deal with.

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marialuisa · 18/03/2004 13:30

Happycat, my bro is slightly older than your DS and though the boys do seem to play lots of running and shouting games in the playground there is absolutely no way behaviour where clothes getting ripped and kids regularly getting hurt would be tlerated. His school has a system of red and amber cards for inappropriate behaviour in the playground, my bro was given a red card for being in a group of boys who wee charging around and accidentally knocked into a boy from their year group who got grazed hands. TBH it sounds as if the head is lazy and quite happy for the kids to behave like yobs. Can you raise your concerns with other mums and see how they feel and then go to the head en masse?

marthamoo · 18/03/2004 13:34

Grrr...how I hate that "boys will be boys" attitude. Boys are people too (!) and don't deserve to be bashed about at school in the name of "rough and tumble". The Head sounds a waste of space, imho. If you really think your son is depressed then you need to take this further - can you raise the issue with the PTA and get some more support?

MeanBean · 18/03/2004 13:43

I find the head's attitude absolutely incredible. Yes in the real world kids do need to be tough, but head teachers are in the business of pretending most of the time, on most issues, that we don't live in the real world. Ask her if you should tell your son to beat the sh*t out of the people who are bullying him, and you'll get a whole load of crap about not condoning violence. She is simply not dealing with the problem, and sorry, but it is her job to. Sorry if I sound mad about this, but the thought of a vulnerable 7 year old having his life made a misery and possibly having his attitudes, self-worth and general outlook affected long term - which could happen - and these people are allowing this to happen and fobbing you off, has made me fume!

Get straight down to a formal complaint, and talk about the home-educating option - that'll get their arses in gear.

aloha · 18/03/2004 14:02

He's only seven! He is a baby. If the head was coming home from work with his clothes torn and hit and cut by his peers, it wouldn't be acceptable to him, I bet. Make more fuss. Keep a list of injuries etc. Go the governors and the LEA if nothing is done. Invite your son's friends home for tea and encourage him to build a support network around him. Go into the school at playtime. I'd be tempted to whisper terrifying things to the other boy while I was there - something warm and motherly, like 'touch my son again and I'll creep up on you at night and rip your throat out'. Protective mum, me?

motherinferior · 18/03/2004 14:25

This is awful. ChildLine is very good on bullying and schools as well, it runs a whole project on it. I totally agree with Marthamoo - why the f*ck should your son go through this to 'toughen him up'?

I will come down there with Aloha and menace the little monster who is the problem, NOT your son.

MeanBean · 18/03/2004 19:00

Oh and another thing (rant rant rant) - how dare she patronise you and come out with crap like she knows he's your baby? In other words, you're an over-protective mum whose boy is too close to your apron strings. Her technique is to try and make you feel stupid about complaining, so that she doesn't have to do her job. I'd feel like complaining about her.

Can't put a smiley in, because there isn't one which is growley...

bunny2 · 18/03/2004 19:37

happycat, that would break my heart too. The school have a duty of care and they are not fulfilling it, I bet if you sent your ds into school with torn clothes, cuts and bruises, they would have something to say about it. Ask them again how they intend to deal with it (I used to be Head of Year in a secondary school and it was the most persistent parents who got action). Good luck.

Original poster
happycat · 19/03/2004 10:09

Went in yesterday to see his teacher again she said that he had been miss behaving in class.The day before when I said he was not hiself and their is something bothering him they told me "well we don't have a problem with him at school " As you can imagine I was bloody cross and blew my top.He also kicked one of the boys who are bulling him.My reply was "well I told him to toughnen up" I also said maybe now he will stop coming home covered in bruises.I am so sick of this now I am going in tonight to say sorry for the way I spoke to her but also saying that I did mean every word I said.I don't know what to say.I didn't mean to say good I'm glad he kicked the boy,but I have spent all this time saying that he must not fight back and to tell a teacher and where has that got him.I think the thing that makes me so cross is the fact that all the children are allowed to behave like this and it doesn,t seem to be a big deal

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happycat · 19/03/2004 10:11

Thanks for all your replies it is got to know that I do have support.

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MeanBean · 19/03/2004 11:18

Happycat, stand your ground. If you actually point out that it was the headmistress who advised you that your son needed to toughen up, and you took her advice, and now your son has toughened up, what can they possibly say! And it's a good move to acknowledge that perhaps the way you expressed yourself was inappropriate, but that the actual content of your expression was entirely appropriate! I hope your son regains his confidence, and I predict that the little sod he kicked will probably be best buddies with him by the middle of next week!

ks · 19/03/2004 11:54

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kiwisbird · 19/03/2004 12:07

You could get in touch with kidscape, I have just had to do this for my 10 yr old son who has after 5 yrs of being an adored popular kid, suddely become a target and is now at home and will not go to school he is that ill with worry
www.kiscape.org.uk
excellent service

bunny2 · 19/03/2004 19:43

Good on him! I dont encourage ds to hit but if he retaliated against a bully I would secretly be very pleased.

Original poster
happycat · 22/03/2004 13:44

Went in to talk to teacher again tonight and said that I was sorry for the way that I behaved,but I said that I did mean what I said.I then went to a childs party on saturday and this boy was their so I stayed for some of it.When I went home the boy poked fun at DS1 because he squints (he has just started wearing classes) and then kicked him in the leg.I didn't find this out until I got home ,but he went up to DS1 and poked him in the back in front of my own eyes.I can't do anything about this because it hasn't happened at school.Do I call this bulling? I think it but how do I prove this at school.The poke in the back he gave ds1 would probably have gone unnoticed by the teachers.This boy also comes from a poor family he is the youngest of six kids and has a hard time at home his mum and dad are very aggressive with him.So I have tried to see both sides .

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