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Original poster

Party Invitations - where are all the manners gone?

53 replies

deegward · 05/02/2004 16:14

I am prepared to be shot down here but here I go...

DS1 is at nursery at school, and his birthday is coming up at the begining of March. Yesterday I put invitations - with my telephone number and RSVP thingy - to the school, they were duly put in the childrens book bags.

I waited last night no calls, this morning no calls, when we went to school today, 2 children ran up to my son and gave him their acceptances, I was cock a hoop. But tonight after school no more replies.

I know it was only yesterday, but I work on the principle that you reply as soon as you get an invite, either way.

I am nervous as last year at son's preschool, I ended up asking face to face upto the day before. Why are people like this? Sorry for the rant, and yes I know people are busy, and it was only yesterday!

OP posts:
lavender1 · 05/02/2004 16:20

Think it's quite normal deegward.

Sometimes I have only got invitations a few days before the party as ds/dd have forgotten to give me them.

Must say that I myself don't always ring up straight away, and over the years they're 8 1/2 and 7 now I don't expect replies until the last minute...yes people are busy, but I just think people forget sometimes..

When is the party, if quite far away people don't respond until nearer the day..people aren't being rude just it's hard to remember everything...hope this answers some of your worries

SoupDragon · 05/02/2004 16:24

I gave out DSs invites last week and have had no replies from DS2s nursery friends and there are still 2 outstanding from DS1s school friends.

marialuisa · 05/02/2004 16:26

Sent DD in with invitations today, i've given a fortnight's warning I hope people reply!

Tinker · 05/02/2004 16:27

They might not know for sure whether they can come yet?

twiglett · 05/02/2004 16:27

message withdrawn

StressyHead · 05/02/2004 16:51

message withdrawn

binkie · 05/02/2004 16:56

Help I really didn't know immediate answers were the form - just getting into the swing of reception year and am feeling horribly guilty now for all the times I've dithered.

Will remember from now on, unexpected education from MN.

PS deegward am not one of your son's classmates parents as none of ds's class have March b'days. Hope yours has a lovely one.

GenT · 05/02/2004 16:57

If you gave an R.S.V.P. date for he affair, then they have until that time.

You may just have to plan for 20 and after the RSVP you cut down from there.

suedonim · 05/02/2004 17:02

Imo 24hrs is a bit soon to expect replies! Maybe some people haven't checked the bookbag yet? I'm awful for forgetting to look in dd's! Also, a month is quite a long way ahead, I'd have no idea what other commitments we may have or arrangements for other dd might have to be put in place before I could accept. Crumbs - we received a wedding invite yesterday and I'm now feeling guilty about not having replied yet!!

emsiewill · 05/02/2004 18:12

This is one of the things that really bugs me. We sent out invitations for dd1's birthday sleepover, one mother called straight away, one girl told dd she couldn't come (her mother did ring later, and explain that she hadn't seen the invitation), and the mother of the other one who was invited didn't ring until the day itself (although the girl herself had said she was coming, she's said that for the last 2 years and then not turned up). I can't understand why someone would send their child to sleep at someones house without calling to chat about it - "do you need her to bring a sleeping bag" etc. We don't see each other at school, as they all get the school bus, and live in different areas.
I think it is so rude to not reply.

expatkat · 05/02/2004 18:38

What's rude is not receiving a response at all. Andlike you I've had plenty of having to chase people up.

But I would never expect anyone to repond within 24 hours & don't hold myself up to that standard either. People have situations which might preclude an immediate response. They may be swamped with work & unable to look at the invite until the weekend. Or they may have to organize 3 other children before they can make a decision. Or they may have more peculiar situations.

Or maybe some of them or just plain disorganized--& that's hardly a crime.

The time to start getting angry is when the party is 3 days away & people still haven't responded. It happens rather universally, I gather, annoyingly enough.

tanzie · 05/02/2004 20:51

Ooooh, grrrr, this one gets me too! Sent out invites to DD2's 3rd b'day party (this Sun) two weeks ago. Only invited 5 guests from her playgroup. As of Wednesday, only one had RSVP'd. I rang the other 4 on Weds, all said, yes of course they were coming, some lame excuse about invite getting lost in car/putting it under something. One said "I haven't decided yet. Can I let you know by Saturday?" So I said no, too late, by Thursday at the latest, and she rang back today and said no, child couldn't come.

DD1's class very different - all RSVP, all write thank you letters for presents.

Next year (if I survive this one) I am going to say "RSVP by ....and if you don't your child will not be welcome" Will I? Will, I ! I'll just growl about manners on mumsnet again!

mrsforgetful · 05/02/2004 21:00

to be fair i'd expect replies that 'school week'- however have also handed out 12 and only had 4 replies...so next time i am writing out 2 invites per child.....and a few spares....1 for my sons to give out (kids love handing them out) and the second is for me to give directly to the parent....not in an envelope so i can 'test the water'- some people know immediately that certain days etc are 'no no's' so then straight away you can hand another invite to someone....so they never know they are 'second best'

elliott · 05/02/2004 21:10

oh dear, I'm afraid I've just committed a heinous crime! ds1 received his first party invite about a month ago - for a date SIX WEEKS in advance. Now, I had no idea at that time whether we could make it or not, and have just replied this week (giving about 2 weeks notice, which I thought was fine?!! - actually I did try to call a couple of weeks ago to let them know I'd got the invite, but there was no reply) I have to say expecting a response within 24 hours seems pretty unrealistic - I just don't operate to those standards of organisation, there is too much else in my life! Of course it is rude not to reply in reasonable time - I would always put a date on the RSVP to make it clear when I needed to know by.

lydialemon · 05/02/2004 21:16

DS1 gave out his party invitations on Monday for his party on the 21st. I'm pretty nervous as we've not done this before, and it's one of those pay-per-head deals so I have to know who's coming. I put under the RSVP bit to reply by 13/2, so I've got another week to bite my nails!

I've had a few responses already, but they are from Mums I chat to anyway.

mrsforgetful · 05/02/2004 21:20

i better add that though i expect replies that week....i am always so disorganised that i often only hand out the invites 2 weeks before!!! (so i suppose if it were a month ahead then i'd ask they replied before the week leading up to the party.

DEEGWARD....feel a bit sorry for you as you've also got half term slap bang in the middle - so you really had to allow for that- and the parents of those invited will hopefully realise that it costs money to have a party and if like me you pay for a party outside the home you are talking a minimum of 10 kids @£7 each......reguardless of how if only 4 turn up (like happened to us) that the parents end up still forking out £70

stupidgirl · 05/02/2004 21:36

Do you seriously expect a reply in 24 hours?????

For a whole month ahead?????

Oakmaiden · 05/02/2004 21:39

For my ds birthday this year I sent out invitations (his brthday was right at the end of the Christmas hols - so I had sent them a few days before the end of term.) and said that if I had not heard back by a certain date then I would assume they weren't coming, as I would need to book. We invited 6 school friends - 3 of the parents came up to me in the playground the following day and said "yes", one mother phoned after the date I had given - very apologetic - she had forgotten/lost the invitation - could child still come? OK, yes. The other 2 - twins - I didn't hear from and assumed they weren't coming - actually invited other children to take their places (is that really rude?) The party went well, and back to school 2 days following. The mother of the twins approached me in the playground - So sorry her boys weren't at the party - she thought it was yesterday not the day before - she had got them ready before checking the invitatin and realising her mistake. Bl**ming glad she was mistaken - she hadn't bothered to let me know they were coming. And with twins it makes a lot of difference! Grrrr.

Twink · 05/02/2004 22:22

Ooh this is one that really winds me up ! For the last 2 years dd has had a party when I've been super organised, by my standards, and had invites out in plenty of time and literally the day before haven't known if 4 out of 20 were coming.

Do you assume they aren't and not do party bags, layers of pass the parcel, reduce the numbers at the venue etc and end up embarrassed if they do come ?? These were mostly children from nursery that dd wanted to invite but whose parents I didn't know so couldn't even ring to ask.

In the event (!) last time we eventually had 2 no-shows but 5 uninvited younger siblings....

On the other hand, so far this year dd has had one invite 8 weeks before the party, and one (don't laugh) 5 months before - how can I possibly give reliable replies ! Sure we may have the best intentions but could have moved to the other side of the world by then

GenT · 05/02/2004 22:29

If you have to book a venue shuld probably answer as soon as possible and not wait until RSVP date, but if it is one at home, at least give the host/hostess a week or two before end of date.

Families with more than one child I would guess it more difficult to say if you are going or not.

Maybe it is a good idea to keep a list of the parents phone numbers for any friends of your child and contact them should invites go astray.

Linnet · 05/02/2004 23:17

When I organised dd's birthday party a couple of years ago for the first time, I ended up chasing people around asking if their child was coming or not. Last year I tried to corner them all before term ended so I knew where I stood with numbers, dd's birthday falls in the summer holidays so we have to be super organised but also means that we don't hear back straight away.

Last year though I met one of the mums in town who asked if dd was going to her dd's party,also in the summer holidays, I hadn't seen an invitation. Dd had been given one but what happened to it is anyones guess. I felt so bad that this mother would have thought me rude not to have responded when in fact I didn't know anything about the party.

I think 24 hours is a bit soon to expect someone to reply, not everyone checks their childs bag every night, I know I don't. Although I do now try to get back to the persons mother/father by the end of the week when we got the invitation.

tigermoth · 06/02/2004 07:52

oh dear, I didn't realise some people expect a reply to an invite within days. I sit on mine for longer than this. I only reply to party invites once I am sure my son can attend. To my mind, if I'm a host, a last minute drop-out from someone who has RSVP-ed 'yes' is far more annonying. And then you have to break the news to a child who was told 'x' would definitely be coming, which can lead to tears. So I don't reply to invites too soon for this reason. Honestly I didn't realise it was such a problem. Still now I do - that the beauty of mumsnet!

Batters · 06/02/2004 12:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lilibet · 06/02/2004 12:51

In defence of the parents, my ds2 brought home an invitation on Monday to a party on the 15th Feb. He is with his dad on that day. So far I have sent 1 e mail on Tuesday asking if I can reply yes, Left a message on his answer phone and sent two e mails on Wednesday. Spoke to his secretary yesterday and asked if he could ring me, no chance. Sent the same e mail three times yesterday pointing out that we are being very rude not replying.
Nothing!
I cant reply as I have no idea if he can go. I know that all your non replyee's cant have the same reason as me, but take pity on the odd one who is banging her head into a sodding brick wall!

Jaybee · 06/02/2004 12:53

I have to admit that if I know ds or dd will definitely be able to attend i will respond immediately, however, if there are logistics to work out i.e. as in Batters case i will sort out the logistics before replying. Dd is starting to get several invites for parties fairly soon after school which with me working it is not always possible for me to get home, and get her there - however, most mums do understand and often dd (plus other working mum's kids) will just go home from school with the party host and get a lift to the party. batters - it may be worth contacting the party host and explaining your predicament - it also would explain why you are hesitating over the reply.

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