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Original poster

I feel so Helpless!!!

41 replies

magnolia1 · 13/10/2005 20:40

Actually crying while trying to type this

Most of you know I have 4 girls age 10, twin girls age 6 and a 2 year old. I am so concerned for one of my Twins 'K' her Sister 'D' is a very happy go lucky girl who hardly ever has a cross word to say, gets on with everyone at school and I have no concerns about her.

Her twin is SO the opposite . I have been 'Spoken To' by her teachers a few times over the past 2 weeks about behaviour in class and the playground. She has always been a bit fiery and quite an angry child. In Nursery she bit a child, in reception she occasionally pinched but I thought it had got better.

I was wrong!!! She has repeatedly been disruptive in class, not really badly but just occasional ignoring teacher, making silly noises etc.... In the playground she has hurt other children and twice this week has been told off por pushing another child. When I have asked her about this she has always got a reason (in her opinion) such as 'so and so pushed in the line' or 'so and so trod on my foot on purpose'

I have explained over and over that even if another child does this it doesn't mean she can retaliate in this way

At home she constantly picks on her twin although they play nice sometimes. I know they are sisters and sisters fight but even if 'D' walks past she nudges or walks into her etc..

Today she came home crying because no one wants to play with her!!! I am not supprised
I have talked to her before and explained that if she continues to hurt others she will make other children worry about being hurt by her.

This is getting long so will stop here but you get the idea!!

Help, I feel like I am failing her How can I have 2 children the same but so vey different??

OP posts:

Original poster

magnolia1 · 13/10/2005 21:03

Bloody Hell, Don't all advise me at once!!

OP posts:

moondog · 13/10/2005 21:07

Oh Magnolia!!

Did the teachers have any advice?
Sounds like you need to work out a strategy with them and apply it religiously.
Is the other twin in the same class?
Can she throw any light on the subject?
How is she at home with her sisters?

hunkerpumpkin · 13/10/2005 21:08

Aw, Magnolia - I don't know what to say as I only have an 18mo DS

Can you ask her how she'd like a friend to behave to her?

marne · 13/10/2005 21:11

Just a sugestion but maybe she is doing it to be different than her twin, are they in the same class?

busybusybee · 13/10/2005 21:14

Could she be jealous of the other one?

rummum · 13/10/2005 21:23

Hello magnolia1
[rummum rushed to answer straight away ]

Are your daughters in year 2?
what was she like in year 1
Have the girls been separated this year?
Is she struggling with the work?
Have you ever tried a sticker chart with her for good behaviour/being nice?

Let us know...

Amai · 13/10/2005 21:25

As she comes from a big family of girls the competition to be noticed is huge and she may feel left out. Some kids are just more needy than others and i think you may just have to try another tack with her. Just remember she is your baby and she thinks her family is the most important thing in the world. If she is happy at home she'll be happy at school. Praise her for all the good she does. Treat her as an individual. Is this helping or am I making you angry?

Original poster

magnolia1 · 13/10/2005 21:28

They are in seperate classes so she isn't trying to be opposite. They are not really together at school which to be honest is probably best because they are so very different and have different type of friends IYSWIM

The teachers say they are trying to praise her for being good rather than concentrating on the bad which is ok but it doesn't sound like there is a lot of good at the moment

We have started with the pasta jar at home and I have talked to her teachers about this so at the end of each day they let me know if it's been a good or bad day. They only say a bad day if she has been particularly naughty. We haven't had a good day this week

I keep having to create situations in which I know she will be good so she can get extra pasta otherwise she will have none!!!

She seems to have some real anger management issues which sounds silly for a 6 year old but I just mean that she can't seem to control her anger or frustration. I have talked to the school nurse who says monitor it and if no change by Xmas she will refer her to a behavioral therapist!!

At home she is awful to her sisters and I feel like I am spending most of my time ignoring them and worrying about her. Have tried ignoring bad behaviour but its not working.

Have a headache thinking about it

OP posts:

Original poster

magnolia1 · 13/10/2005 21:31

Amai, lol.... you are not making me angry.

I do praise her at home as much as I can. I know the competion between her sisters is there but why does that make her pinch some poor girl at school

Rummum, she is in year 1. they have never been in class together since Nursery. Seperate classes since reception. Quite the opposite in the learning bit. Way ahead of her twin in reading and loves school work!

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ScummyMummy · 13/10/2005 21:32

Oh no, magnolia. Poor you and poor K. I do think it can be awfully hard being a twin at times. It must be especially difficult for her if her twin is so popular and she feels she isn't. Are you able to spend any time alone with each of your girls at all? Must be very tight timewise with 4 kids I'd guess. I think letting her know how much you love her and value her as an individual is definitely the key.

Original poster

magnolia1 · 13/10/2005 21:38

Dh works shifts so is around quite a lot so we do get to spend time with them seperately. Dh often takes 'K' out when he has stuff to do and I took her to Gran Canaria with my parents without any sisters because I wanted to give her some extra special time with me but it didn't make any difference

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Amai · 15/10/2005 20:05

Sounds like you are doing your best and no one can blame you for her behaviour so don't think you are failing her. As she grows older and starts to get better reasoning skills you will get through to her. You are lucky to have girls, boys act like six year olds until they are 14 sometimes!

oops · 15/10/2005 20:19

Message withdrawn

Eaney · 15/10/2005 20:29

Are you giving her more or less attention than the others especially her twin because of her behaviour?

I ask because you mentioned that you took her on a trip without her siblings. Is it possible she is getting too much attention?

mumofthreebeauties · 15/10/2005 21:36

magnolia1

thanks for your support on the other thread. we have made a breakthrough with our DT.

He is fairly good at home but does need a very firm hand. This was something we changed after realising we were being more lenient with him because of his more fiery temper and us feeling it was us making himlike that. We were making allowances for his behaviour and finding excuses for it. Any way we clamped down on his bad behaviour - if he hit, we removed him from playing or took away his favourite toy at the time. He has been loads better since.

His teacher called me in for his behaviour issues and they are calling in a behavioural expert.

I'll tell you what we did and it may work for you or not. You know the personalities of your DT.

my son has just started yr 1 and was being quite a pain the derriere (lots of wickedness and a bit of disruption).

I took him on my own into town and let him choose where we went with the intention of buying him a toy. In the car on the way I asked him the following question

"If you were your teacher and could change school, what would you change?"

Over the time we were in town I gently reminded him of my question. The things that came out were

"Mrs X doesn't tell me off"
"I miss DT" This is the first year they have been separated.
"I don't want to be in with reception children"
" I read all my reading books last year"

I also asked the question why are you like this at school and he replied "I didn;t think Mrs X would tell you"!!!!

So me and Mrs X now have a weekly meeting with him there so he knows there is a close link and where the boundaries are.

This week at school we have had no incidents at all for the whole week.

Of course none of this may help, but even if a small bit helps it will be worth all my ramblings lol.

We also bought him some books which he is flying through - could she be bored at school? Just another suggestion.

Good luck. It s an awful situation to be in.

Original poster

magnolia1 · 15/10/2005 21:37

I didn't take her away on her own because of her behaviour. The year before it was her older sister and next year will be her twin. My parents have a timeshare and my dh won't fly so I take on child at a time with my parents.

I really don't think it's an attention thing although I could be wrong.

Oops: Why does it have to be stuff at home to blame?? Maybe it's something at school making her this way at home!!! Sorry I am a bit defensive when told it's her homelife causing problems

OP posts:

Original poster

magnolia1 · 15/10/2005 21:42

MOTB, Thanks so much!! It's quite a relief to have other people going through the same especially with twins.

I think I will try that question on what she would change at school.

She too reads very well and could possibly be bored although I couldn't blame all her naughtiness on being bored.

I think she just has a really short fuse, like today when one of her sisters did something which irritated her, her 1st reaction was to scream at them like what they were doing was SO terrible when in fact it was only walking in front of the telly

1st week of the pasta jar so not sure how well it will work. She asked today to have piano lessons which I can't afford for both twins but will it be good or bad to let her??

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mumofthreebeauties · 15/10/2005 22:09

She sounds very much like my fiery DT!. He would just shout out or scream as his first reaction rather than saying can you get out of the way please... He would push his brother or sister out of the way, barge past them, wind them up etc etc.

We got firm with that behaviour and removed him from the room for a few minutes. Yesterday he swung some toy binoculars which hit his brother on the head. I went and got him - he immediately apologised and went and sat on the stairs!!! I was gobsmacked and has been a model son all weekend. Sometimes I think we have made him this way always finding an excuse - oh he had grommets and hearing problmes for a while (his speech and language and hearing are fine now), he's immature and will grow out of it, etc etc.

When we started clamping down, he calmed down within a couple of weeks.

It's hard work because you have to be very consistent but it's worth it in buckets.

My SIL who is a clinical psychologist says he is a very different temperament to my other 2 and needs different handling. Never a truer word spoken!LOL

Keep in touch and let me know how it goes.

My bubblemight burst next week - It's parent evening.

oops · 15/10/2005 22:22

Message withdrawn

Original poster

magnolia1 · 15/10/2005 22:24

It's ok OOPS, I am defensive anyway. I will have a read of the book. Thanks for reccomending it.

Motb, Will try to clamp down on her. I just feel like I am almost picking on her

OP posts:

oops · 15/10/2005 22:35

Message withdrawn

Original poster

magnolia1 · 15/10/2005 22:47

Oh I remember long nights of feeding. DD4 is 2 so I know all about toddlers and early mornings!!

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mumofthreebeauties · 15/10/2005 23:06

magnolia1

Yes we felt guilty,but one day I hearnd my Dh telling the other twin off and a little while later fiery twin did the same thing and didn't.

When we talked about it later we realised that because he did "more" naughty stuff he got away with more, but other son and daughter didn;t do much naughty stuff but when they did it was noticed and dealt with. This was where we had to get other son to. It is working but due to his temperament it might take a while!

The other thing we noticed was that we were shouting (more raising our voices) to him a lot more than the others so we stopped that and instead of that, just quietly removed him from the situation or said quietly " If you continue to choose to do that XXXXX will happen". If he continued XXXXXX happened all very quietly and calmly no matter how much noise he made and for while he made a lot!

And through it all he got lots (way over the top) praise and thanks for every little thing he did wel, when we told him to.

He loves being given little jobs to do and will be the first to offer to set the table.

freakyzebra · 15/10/2005 23:08

It does sound to me like "K" is bored in school, and bored in general. No, doesn't explain all her naughtiness, but could explain a lot of it.

Original poster

magnolia1 · 15/10/2005 23:43

Thanks ladies

Ok plan of action is....

Less shouting and more calm removal from situations.

Lots of praise.

Keep in contact with teacher.

Find an outlet or activity to burn of energy and occupy growing mind.

Stop beating myself up.

Keep listening to you lot

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