I feel so Helpless!!!

[magnolia1]

Actually crying while trying to type this

Most of you know I have 4 girls age 10, twin girls age 6 and a 2 year old. I am so concerned for one of my Twins 'K' her Sister 'D' is a very happy go lucky girl who hardly ever has a cross word to say, gets on with everyone at school and I have no concerns about her.

Her twin is SO the opposite . I have been 'Spoken To' by her teachers a few times over the past 2 weeks about behaviour in class and the playground. She has always been a bit fiery and quite an angry child. In Nursery she bit a child, in reception she occasionally pinched but I thought it had got better.

I was wrong!!! She has repeatedly been disruptive in class, not really badly but just occasional ignoring teacher, making silly noises etc.... In the playground she has hurt other children and twice this week has been told off por pushing another child. When I have asked her about this she has always got a reason (in her opinion) such as 'so and so pushed in the line' or 'so and so trod on my foot on purpose'

I have explained over and over that even if another child does this it doesn't mean she can retaliate in this way

At home she constantly picks on her twin although they play nice sometimes. I know they are sisters and sisters fight but even if 'D' walks past she nudges or walks into her etc..

Today she came home crying because no one wants to play with her!!! I am not supprised
I have talked to her before and explained that if she continues to hurt others she will make other children worry about being hurt by her.

This is getting long so will stop here but you get the idea!!

Help, I feel like I am failing her How can I have 2 children the same but so vey different??

Message withdrawn

Wow, can't believe one of my threads is a link on the Home page

We have parents consultations coming up soon so will try to go into detail with her teacher.
The other problem is she has 2 teachers that split their time, I don't think this helps.

Dh wants to move her to another class but I don't think it would do more than cause more disruption.
Am going to try the Zero tolerance, up til now we have been a bit leanient so we are not constantly disciplining her but the softly softly approach just isn't working.

It makes it so hard because her twin is So opposite, like right now 'D' is upstairs playing with her big sister while 'K' is down here with our 2 year old because she has caused so many arguements already!!

Message withdrawn

I asked about the attention thing because I have a 5 almost 6 yr old who since we have had a baby 8 mths ago has been doing things which inevitably get our attention. For example he has taken to not going to toilet without prompting and constantly has smelly pants due to leaking. e is also very firey and loses his temper easily.

My DP gets really annoyed by this and lectures lectures lectures. My head tells me that this is exactly what he wants and even during a lecture I remind DP but he can't stop himself. He goes on and on and on. I have introduced a money jar (same as pasta jar)) and I just want to take it easy, say very little and reward and penalise as appropriate without lecturing. Doesn't work cos you guessed it DP can't stop himself.

Sometimes I lose sight of my 'less attention is better' policy and I give a good old lecture as well. In my head I am so sure it his his way to get attention but my own emotion wins out and as for my DP well I don't think he quite agrees about the attention seeking elememt to DS's behaviour.

Hello Magnolia

My younger cousin behaved a lot like your twin does at school. He was majorly violent and hit not only people from his class, but from classes above him too. He was also very naughty both at home and school and for a long time his mum was at her wits end as he would often hit her too when he got mad.

She spoke to the school about trying to sort out his school behaviour and I'm not sure what happened and how they found out but it turned out Connor was finding the work etc far too easy and was bored and because he was bored he was playing up. They've adjusted his work etc at school and he's miles better. He still plays up occasionally at school, but no more then any other 7yr old (although he still has a temper!)

Another thing his parents did was get him a hobby (motorcross...eek!) which proved another outlet to stop him being bored and his home behavour improved loads too. AFAIK he hasn't had a major meltdown since (there's been little ones but nothing on the scale of before)

So maybe in your twins case speaking to the school about different, maybe slightly harder work might help?

Just re-read my post and i'm not implying your DD is majorly violent What I meant was Connor was misbehaved like your DD AND majorly violent..

Hope that makes sense

Lol.... It's ok

She is a bit violent but mainly shoving or pinching or generally shouting!!

The only problem I have with an outlet is with 4 girls the money is an issue. 3 of them did kickboxing but the twins decided to stop!! They did gymnastics but decided they didn't like it

I'm wary of paying out more money for stuff they wont do for long and coz most of it is payable termly it's money for nothing if they decode they don't like it after a few weeks

Is she bright? I say this because DS1 is and gets very pushy etc when under stimulayted. The other factor could be sleep- if she's not getting enough quality sleep (which may not be the same as her sisters need) she may be getting antsy.

Have you thought about enrolling them in rainbows? Or art classes? I'm a student so money is tight here also, but what I have done with Sam is to put him on the list for Beavers in January, and he starts art classes next week. I used to be a Rainbow Leader and we only charged £1.30 a session, although it does vary. Are there any Units in your area? Or could you put her on a waiting list for Brownies (they always have waiting lists) or St Johns Ambulance Badgers?

Hi Magnolia1

I think your plan is a great one, especially the not beating yourself up bit.

It is so hard to do, to project our kids behaviour onto ourselves. I spent ages worrying about what we'd done to DT.

I hope your plan works out. Mine are all at the park at the moment with dh but tea will be demanded on their return so I'd better go and start it!

Take care
motb

Just got back from the park too

Peachy, yes she is bright so probably understimulated!! And always wakes up before her sister but goes to bed at 7 and asleep by 7.30 so I don't think it's sleep.

I don't know about rainbows, will have a look. The only thing is I something for them both simply because It's easier to not do different stuff for each child and be running ragged getting them everywhere as I don't drive.

Will check it out though

My mum reminded me today that she once got called into the school because a bit a dinner lady! It's quite hazy, but I remember feeling very justified at the time - she was dragging me somewhere and holding my arm too hard.
But what I'm really saying is that I have grown up to be a normal, law-abiding, even somewhat dull adults - married, two kids, earn own living. I think we do sometimes just get too worried by stuff that kids do. Don't mean to belittle your worries, but she's not headed direct to prison!

I know lol.... I just worry that she will end up with either no friends or the WRONG friends

Don't know about where you are, but here the beaver Scouts and Cubs meet together AND accept girls: that would cover your age groups perhaps, even if they don't they tend to be on the same night wheich cuts trips down somewhat (that's how my car-less Mum used to play it with us: one mad night, rest of week sorted!)

Hi Magnolia, I have been wondering whether to contribute my sister's experiences to this thread, as she is a twin but i don't think the issues are so much to do with that, but reading through they could be a bit relevant (but quite sad for me). DB and DSister are twins (now age 35) I can always remember her being quite tantrummy and angry, where DB was much more easy going and straightforward, though they did fight cat and dog as toddlers. She has always seemed to feel that life is unfair, that others are treated better than her etc (and this self-perpetuates, because her bad behaviour and anger affected how she was treated). However she has also always been the most generous person I know, and throws herself into 'causes' and looks after others brilliantly. She has recently told me that she felt 'bullied' by my Dad who she feels would try to 'wind her up'(and include my brother in this) eg at mealtimes until she would get upset and storm out. She says she was suicidal as a child. He says he thinks he was a bit immature, having three kids at age 25 and didn't know how to cope. I think in retrospect that my sister had some pretty special needs and my parents (in the midst of an unhappy marriage) whilst they did their best, just didn't know how to help her. She is very bright, but has rock bottom self-esteem. I have always taken the attituse that some things about her are as frustrating as hell, but other things are wonderful, and I just try to concentrate on those (tbh I only recently realised she had low self-esteem, I always thought she was great). I would say that any activities or parenting which focus on your dd developing positive self-esteem for the things she is good at might be helpful with her behaviour, but also the clear boundaries and consequences-of-actions type methods you and others have talked about here. Is there anyone in home life or school who she seems to look up to who might be prepared to take a special interest or act as a kind of 'mentor' for her? I know my godmother did this for me. Sorry to waffle..your situation is obviously different and you sound like you're doing everything possible, I just wanted to say I think every child/twin has different parenting needs and while the twin thing makes comparisons inevitable don't feel that you can't do things slightly differently to meet their needs.

Thanks for posting that You may have a point about a mentor but I'm not sure if there is anyone she actually looks up to.

Anymore advice from you all is still really welcome