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Original poster

When a 6'2" skinhead with a tattoo comes home from work and weeps in his wife's arms

40 replies

Ormirian · 04/02/2011 18:53

do you think he should give up his job Sad

He's teaches secondary age children with behavioural problems and today he took them to college. Had to physically restrain 4 of them. He hates it and every time it happens it distresses him. He can cope with being hit, bitten, kicked, sworn at, but he can't cope with having to tackle them to the ground and restrain them. He is in right state this time. I think he might be rethinking his career Sad

I've dispatched him up to the bath with some wine.

What can I say and do?

Do you get ever used to it?

OP posts:
belledechocchipcookie · 04/02/2011 18:55

He shouldn't have to get use to it. Time for a new job, I couldn't work like that. Sad

I'd just say I'd support him no matter what and get the TES out. He's brave for wanting to make a difference, I really do admire him for that.

PonceyMcPonce · 04/02/2011 18:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Ormirian · 04/02/2011 19:01

I don't think it's unexpected in the role.

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Original poster
Ormirian · 04/02/2011 19:01

And to be fair it only happens this badly perhaps once a term but it's still hard.

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belledechocchipcookie · 04/02/2011 19:02

Is he getting support at work?

PonceyMcPonce · 04/02/2011 19:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tethersend · 04/02/2011 19:06

Orm, can I PM you?

Original poster
Ormirian · 04/02/2011 19:06

Yes. He has some amazing TAs. He's been 'debriefing' with them on the phone this evening. If I was the jealous sort I'd be worried as they are female, younger and lovely Grin. And the head is great.

he just feels he's failed the children, but I can't see how he could have done it differently. New environment, new activities, bound to cause disruption.

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Original poster
Ormirian · 04/02/2011 19:06

Of course tethers.

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belledechocchipcookie · 04/02/2011 19:10

Sounds like he's being to harsh on himself. He can't expect miracles and needs to look for the small progress if you know where I'm coming from, the kid that says thanks for the first time for example. He's expecting too much.

RatherBeOnThePiste · 04/02/2011 19:11

Thank goodness it's Friday - and hope you have a peaceful weekend ahead.

I am so full of admiration for teachers, especially in such tough roles. We have a friend who teaches similar kids but at primary age and she wears football shin pads under her trousers as a matter of course, because she was so fed up of all the chronic bruising.

Maybe today isn't the day for big decisions, see how he feels after the weekend.

Here this is for him WineWine
and these are for you Wine Wine

purplepidjin · 04/02/2011 19:19

Physically restraining someone in that way means you are taking all control from them until they are calm enough to do it for themselves. You are taking their emotional burden onto yourself in a way. It is an enormously traumatic experience for all involved - after 5 1/2 years, I've been involved in maybe 10 or so and still take a few days to get past it.

He won't get "over" it. The fact that he is so upset shows what a caring and sensitive person he is. Would you want someone who shrugged that kind of thing off or, god forbid, enjoyed it looking after our most vulnerable people? Hmm

He needs to rediscover the positives. Think about the apparently silly things that have really helped someone.

Mine is a 15 year old i had been working with for 2 years, and had been at the school for 4. He had had the most horrifically abusive early childhood, and how he came to be such a nice lad I will never know. However, he had huge issues with eating and was 30kg over weight. I'd spent the evening (boarding school) with him and another lad playing card games, and after their showers I went into the kitchen to organise supper. I asked what they would like, to hear this particular lad say "I'll just have a hot chocolate, thanks. I'm not hungry"

Cue stunned silence and much much praise for being able to recognise it Grin

Such a little thing, but such a milestone in his life. I bet your 6'2" skinhead has a multitude of stories in the same spirit.

Original poster
Ormirian · 04/02/2011 19:22

THanks purple. I told him I am so proud of him for doing what he does, and that I wouldn't want to married to a man that didn't get upset by that sort of incident. It should be upsetting. I just hope it doesn't make him want to give up - he loves most of it.

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morethanyoubargainfor · 04/02/2011 19:32

IME it is when it doesn't affect him you have a problem.

I have a job where physical restraint is a must and this is with Adults.

I always tell my staff, if you do this job and it doesn't 'get' to you in any way especially when you are using physical restraint, then you are in the wrong job.

I think caring nad being upset by this sort of thing indicates a person who is good at thier job and one who is looking at the whole picture, rather than just the negatives.

I hope that helps.

HAve one of these each anyway Wine Wine

purplepidjin · 04/02/2011 19:46

Orm, can you get him to tell you some of his little successes? don't break confidentiality - first names only etc - but remembering the first time little Jonny told you he needed his pad changed; or that lunchtime when Henry scored that goal and it was such a good one no-one argued about it, not even the goal keeper; or how Olly used to sit under the desk with his hands over his ears because he couldn't stand people looking at him, and he was a shepherd in the Nativity...

Wine is useful but [shoulder] is better

Original poster
Ormirian · 04/02/2011 20:10

morethan - indeed it does help. Thankyou.

He's gone out for a drink with a mate. Almost certainly better as he'll deal with his day with 'Bit down, shit day, kids kicked off' and his friend will say 'sorry about that'. They'll contemplate their pints for a moment and then change the subject Grin

OP posts:
tethersend · 04/02/2011 20:11

Have PMed Smile

Original poster
Ormirian · 04/02/2011 20:11

I do listen to him talk about the things he is happy about - but the problem is the whole daily grind tends to overshadow a bit so days like these loom larger than they might. I worry about him.

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bigTillyMint · 04/02/2011 20:13

I'm afraid it's part of the job.

My colleague and I had to do a restraint on one of our pupils on the bus yesterday, with everyone watching. Very embarassing.

Luckily there were two of us and we could have a laugh about it.

purplepidjin · 04/02/2011 20:16

Sorry, I didn't mean to imply you didn't. I just thought it might help to remind him of how fabulous he really is - what works for me may not work for your DH.

I find putting it to the back of my mind is a good short term strategy, so if there's a particular hobby, especially active, you can get out and do as a family this weekend it might be worth a try. Visit people who make you feel loved - my nieces and nephews never fail to remind me why I'm alive (no dc's). I expect he's got his own strategies worked out, please feel free to share, mine sometimes fail me so inspiration is welcome!

Original poster
Ormirian · 04/02/2011 20:21

Oh it's OK, I know you didn't purple Smile

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Original poster
Ormirian · 04/02/2011 20:27

And just to cheer thing up DM has been on the phone in tears because her beloved mog has died Sad

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purplepidjin · 04/02/2011 20:56

WineChocolateWineChocolateWine

EBDteacher · 04/02/2011 21:06

belledechocchipcookie I disagree that it it something someone who has chosen to work with children whith emotional and behavioural difficulties 'shouldn't have to put up with'.

Holding children to keep them safe when they are unable to keep themselves safe is part of the job. Restraint is used only to meet a child's needs and NEVER EVER as a punishment. It is important to be able to do it calmly and as part of a much wider piece of provision in place to support a child.

IM(very humble)O if a teacher who has chosen to work with EBD children goes home feeling very upset on a regular basis there is either a problem/ lack of support in their setting or it really isn't the right choice of role for them. Thinking that having to restrain is the children's fault and shouldn't be 'put up with' is not an option.

I work in a front line setting with children in crisis and restrain more days than not so I speak from some experience.

Starbear · 04/02/2011 21:07

Ormirian Feel for your DH. At my DH's school they hired an ex-American Marine to do the same job as your DH. When he came to the UK in had no qualifications in teaching. The school has compeletly supported his training, helped him with his Visa, supported him his appeal to stay in the UK. He can count everyone in the school as a friend as everyone knows what a tough job he is doing and if he goes nobody will take up the mantel. So Wine & Biscuit as there is no cake from me too. Good luck

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