Update From Step Mum

[NowAndAgain44]

Thank you all for your comments. I wrote a post on here about 8 months ago. I’m a step mum and a mum. I wrote a post asking for advice on having my step children at my wedding because the relationship with their mother is very high conflict. I described the situation exactly as I have in the other two posts from yesterday (child arrangements & unpaid spousal maintenance) from my own perspective and I got absolutely crucified by MN members. I deleted my profile as it was so bad. Women absolutely hating me, just because I’m a step mum daring to get engaged after 5 years together. Women telling me how selfish I was and that I should not be having a wedding, I should be moving to a bigger house for step children that are not allowed to stay with us. All because I’m a step mum. They also told me my partner was a terrible father and I shouldn’t support him or marry him because his financial situation was so bad. Which is all because his ex wife has bled him dry and continues to want more and a female judge not only allowed it, but her words have given this woman the confidence and entitlement to cause his bankruptcy.

Everything I’ve described in those posts is true. The bio mum even reported to CMS a few months ago that the payments she received for years didn’t include any CM and asked for collect and pay. CMS take 6 months to investigate so he’s now bankrupt and being chased by CMS for £800 PER WEEK! And they are taking money directly from his bank account, he gets contestant emails and texts from CMS demanding money from him. Luckily there is a max amount they are allowed to deduct and she’s now getting less than he was paying her before.

all 100% factual. I’ve not changed any of the figures or any of the facts.

I just wanted to see how MN would react if I spun the story from the other perspective, funny how different the reaction was. Some of you guessed, clever ladies.

As a step mum I try my best to support two young kids and a very broken man and my own two teenagers. MN is apparently not the place for someone like me, but I’m also glad to see so many women horrified at the bio mum and her actions and reasons we have been given for her actions, just a shame the support wasn’t shown to me when I described being on the receiving end of this campaign of revenge and greed.

I imagine there are lots of bio mums on here who use their kids as weapons to hurt their ex, and they use this platform for support in that. I hope you see this post and I hope you stop and think about that. Don’t hate your ex more than you love your kids, you’ll live to regret it I promise.

I know, the content of the posts are totally different

Here’s the other reverse : https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/parenting/5597987-child-arrangements?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=app_share

Can you link to your old thread?

Often what people react to is another matter that comes out of the discussion rather than what the OP expected it to focus on.

Haha, cross post, thanks @CalledNeededYoga

Oh, I was looking for the thread from 8 months ago.

You are tying yourself up into knots to try and get validation from strangers that the man your DC have to live with and has ruined yours and your childrens financal security isn't the loser you absolutely know he is.

Surely you understand the difference between posting from a Mum's POV 'I am blocking contact from a faultless man' and from a SM's POV 'family court do not allow my partner any over nights, only day time once a fortnight'. Lots of us know how the family court works, how abusive men easily get 50/50 yet family court won't even allow your partner a sleepover. We are not wearing your rose tinted spectacles.

Why not tell the truth of the situation as you know it, rather than rely on reverses which fail to include pertinent information?

On your spousal maintenance thread, you obviously wanted people to say that they thought the spousal support should stop as she doesn't need it any more because you have written it that way, but it fails to include any more info than that, including any more circumstances on her part, the courts are the ones to determine what is fair, and they have.. you just don't agree with it.

But the facts seem to be: they separated and she retained the marital house and custody of the children, she works, but has a long term illness, she was awarded spousal maintenance and CM at a total of £3300 per month, based on his earnings of £135,000 a year at that time. He paid that for x amount of years, there was a downturn in his industry and he went back to court to have it adjusted as he couldn't afford it anymore and was getting into arrears. The judge deemed he was downplaying his income so set it at £2000 per month and he has now filed for bankruptcy, even though he earns £60,000 a year and lives with you in your house.

There has been problems with contact, where you say he lives a 45 minute drive away so 'can't do school nights' and you say in your reverse thread that she won't let the children stay because he drinks every night.

I'm sure the truth of the situation is buried in there somewhere, but you won't get a fair and balanced view on here, if you are not giving a fair and balanced account.

Do you think your time might be better spent reflecting on why you're so desperate for MN approval?

I’m off now, I enjoyed seeing the true nature of this community of women!

A community of women who can smell a bullshit a mile away.

It's a pity you haven't just told a truthful account from the get go and let people make their own minds up, instead of spoon-feeding them an opinion you want them to agree and being offended that they don't play ball.

See you next time.👋

See you in a few weeks with another desperate attempt to gain approval.

£800 a week, he must have at least 10 children, and lot of arrears.

Idk but you sound more like the Dad to me, going on about your surprise at the ‘community of women.’ Ought we all to be much kinder?
I have no idea what the rights and wrongs are and imagine some of both lie on all sides, but do we really need to refer to ‘the bio mum’?

i didn’t see your reverse threads but from this one it sounds like the reaction you got was because of your attitude, not because you’re a step mum.

I think on mn the general perspective is one people see a lot- two people have a family. She is earning less because she did the lions share of childcare and so had to reduce hours or even quit (dh used to say I can’t miss work, my manager would say we can’t keep going this).

They broke up and instead of two people’s wages it’s her lower salary trying to cover everything two people’s salaries previously covered (yes she’s lucky she got the kids!) so she has to try and get as much from the dad who has not stopped being their father but who quickly became a new two and who never dropped his salary.

Step mums do get hate on here but it’s because mn is full of the first mums and the step mum comes on saying she wants to screw us over/ she’s not doing great, while forgetting it’s because she’s trying to do it all alone while he has sidestepped into a new two. Sorry you’ve been blasted so much, not a stepmum but I’ve left mn numerous times because it’s horrible when people start zoning in on you

This is bonkers.

I have no idea of your previous thread or any reverse. And I’ve skimmed this thread. But your final sentence of your original OP is totally gross.

The relationships in broken families are multi-faceted. And they’re far reaching. So please don’t fling that slur against bio mums. And don’t assume that kids from “original” family settings won’t inform their own opinions on useless fathers.

it’s great that you’re a good stepmum (in your eyes). But the final paragraph of your OP is shitty.

@NowAndAgain44 MN is a place for everyone. What I and many others don’t appreciate is being manipulated with reverse posts. Not big or clever and the Scooby Doo reveal is beyond pathetic. Much better to ask advice in an authentic post than play all these silly games. Do you think it’s right or fair to waste people’s time who reply in good faith!? I don’t.

She isn’t the BIO anything. She is their mother.

I’m coming at this with a place of kindness, I supported my ex through a toxic lengthy divorce.
It looks like you are spiralling, especially posting from her POV when you do not really know her POV. It also looks like you are looking for support from women, which doesn’t surprise me as it seems like a really stressful situation.
The one piece of advice I would give is to let go, this is not your fight, and whilst you can emotionally support him there is nothing more you can do. What you think might help could just be making things worse. Allow him to deal with child arrangements and court proceedings.
I also saw you said he drinks every day and has childhood trauma, I would suggest this really is the major focus for you both, we can often find distractions and aim our hate towards another person without addressing the deep-rooted issues. Especially if this is around your two teenagers.

So am I. I am hoping the poster comes back with it.