Family in laws

[MoreCheeseEverywhere]

Did your in-laws stay in touch with you after you separated? My ex had an affair with a girl half his age but despite it all being his doing I've been dropped by my in-laws like a hot potato.

I used to go to their house every week, helped out with errands, sorted their admin, their internet, wrote letters for them etc. In 30 years I have had a cross word with my parents in laws or my sister and brother in laws nor any of their spouses. I've been an attentive aunt to their kids - remembered their birthdays, bought the birthday and xmas presents. Ex-Dh did fuck all in that area.

Ex-Dh is a grandiose narcissist and MIL is a covert narcissist (always the victim - hence all the letters I wrote for her for whenever she was "wronged" by various companies).

I was with him for 30 years and I've been absolutely excommunicated from their side of the family. MIL even bitched about me to my DC. I understand it from him and my MIL but I don't understand why my bro and sister in law and their other halves have also done that.

Blood is thicker than water

@Pinkbananaa I see that and I'd get it if it was me who ran off with a 28 year old.

Too true.
Unfortunately in your case OP.
X

Well, this is wrong of them, but they'll soon find out their mistake when they only have their useless son/brother to rely on instead of you.

People are bastards. Horrible horrible people. You’ve done absolutely nothing wrong

I suspect girlfriend is stepping and making herself indispensable now I'm not there to carry the slack. That's the word on the street.

What do I do about their DC - do I still send gifts etc from me? They are older teens now.

From what I've read on Mumsnet over the years, this isn't surprising at all. I get on really well with my MIL and BIL, but if DH had a similar affair I know I'd be blamed for somehow driving him to it.

I'm really sorry this happened to you though, OP. It completely sucks and isn't fair at all.

No, absolutely not!

They will weaponise that and use it to slag me off.

Let your ex sort their gifts. They will be missing all you did for them - they just won't be brave enough to raise it to their son/brother. Expect them to claim it was you who dropped them, but you know it wasn't.

Exactly the same thing happened to me. They even removed my children's photos and put new ones up of the new mother and baby. Told me it was 'difficult'.

Sigh. I genuinely cannot understand these people. If any of my siblings had an affair I would 100% reach out to their partners and show some kind of empathy / kindness / support.

Yep! I spent years of my time supporting my MIL and she even encouraged me to leave my H (her son) knowing all the lies and affairs and then the minute I left .. she stopped talking to me. I found it very hurtful but ultimately it’s her loss. Haven’t seen her in 4 years and my boys have seen her once 🤷🏼‍♀️ I’m not the first ex wife she’s ditched - that’s on her, 4 grandchildren she hasn’t seen in years, my two and his previous ex wives two.. very sad. Personally I think admitting the obvious - the son you raised sh*t on their family is too much shame to admit so they vanish. Also, don’t forget his narrative will be very different from the truth.

Well, given that they've excommunicated you, you won't hear them do that. And hopefully you'll feel a bit better about not being taken advantage of.

I don't see why it's any more or less acceptable for SIL? All I can think is MIL might hate the way you use therapy terms about her? Or might be worried that if she upsets her son, he might stop her seeing the kids.
But unless he's lied about you, she's no right to badmouth you, so I would speak to her. Point out he's the one who broke up the family to date a teenager, and that you did all that stuff for her, and feel very hurt.
You might find your ex has told her you did some awful stuff and blamed you for the break up.

I havent heard from my in laws since the day my ex husband left after 20 years. His doing. He behaved appallingly - in no way shape or form could I be blamed for the reasons he left. TBH I’m not overly surprised his mother especially was always rather cold even towards her own son. I don’t lose any sleep over it - they are dead to me and I make no effort for my children to keep in contact with them. Between you me and MN I’m hoping they die having not seen their grandchildren again (ex makes no effort to take the kids to see them) they deserve nothing less

@seahorsessky I'm not sure I understand you. MY MIL has never heard me describe her as a narcissist - you are right that it comes from therapy as it is what I have learned from the therapy I've had to have since the split but I have never spoken to her about it. I've never had a cross word with her at all.

Kids are adults now so he can't stop her seeing them.

I can't see a situation where I will see her to correct her opinion of me unless I bump into her somewhere and I doubt we'll talk long enough to get to that. I'm sure he has blamed me - not sure how but he will have done.

Yep happened to me too. They also dropped the step grandchild they’d treated as “real” for 20 years 😢

They sound pretty awful so if you never have to see them again, that's a win surely?

To my shame when my brother left his wife I never saw her again. We hadn’t seen much of each other during the marriage except for births, deaths etc My siblings were the same we didn’t know what to do! It was not amicable and she was wronged too and I didn’t know how to fit in the mess.

• no children involved

@Whoops75I’m sorry to read this. Would you ever reach out to her to try and explain? If my SIL or BIL were to do that it would mean a lot to me

@whippersnapper55 well I especially liked my SIL (who is married to my BIL) and actually my SIL and BIL as well. When I’ve not been the arsehole here it hurts and saddens me to lose connections I once cherished.

I understand it is difficult but to drop someone isn’t fair or kind.

They will slag you off whatever you do. Just leave them behind and focus on enjoying life without them.

Sorry that's on you. I know on here there is a ferocious insistence that step children, and step grandchildren, be treated the same as biological. Well, as many point out repeatedly, the minute the parent relationship fails, so often does the family relationship for those children. That was a known risk you took for your child.