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Original poster

Family in laws

53 replies

MoreCheeseEverywhere · 14/10/2026 21:49

Did your in-laws stay in touch with you after you separated? My ex had an affair with a girl half his age but despite it all being his doing I've been dropped by my in-laws like a hot potato.

I used to go to their house every week, helped out with errands, sorted their admin, their internet, wrote letters for them etc. In 30 years I have had a cross word with my parents in laws or my sister and brother in laws nor any of their spouses. I've been an attentive aunt to their kids - remembered their birthdays, bought the birthday and xmas presents. Ex-Dh did fuck all in that area.

Ex-Dh is a grandiose narcissist and MIL is a covert narcissist (always the victim - hence all the letters I wrote for her for whenever she was "wronged" by various companies).

I was with him for 30 years and I've been absolutely excommunicated from their side of the family. MIL even bitched about me to my DC. I understand it from him and my MIL but I don't understand why my bro and sister in law and their other halves have also done that.

OP posts:
socialdilemmawhattodo · 14/10/2026 23:36

MoreCheeseEverywhere · 14/10/2026 21:49

Did your in-laws stay in touch with you after you separated? My ex had an affair with a girl half his age but despite it all being his doing I've been dropped by my in-laws like a hot potato.

I used to go to their house every week, helped out with errands, sorted their admin, their internet, wrote letters for them etc. In 30 years I have had a cross word with my parents in laws or my sister and brother in laws nor any of their spouses. I've been an attentive aunt to their kids - remembered their birthdays, bought the birthday and xmas presents. Ex-Dh did fuck all in that area.

Ex-Dh is a grandiose narcissist and MIL is a covert narcissist (always the victim - hence all the letters I wrote for her for whenever she was "wronged" by various companies).

I was with him for 30 years and I've been absolutely excommunicated from their side of the family. MIL even bitched about me to my DC. I understand it from him and my MIL but I don't understand why my bro and sister in law and their other halves have also done that.

No. Dropped immediately. There was 1 email sent pleading with me later that year for holiday dates. I was gracious, agreed immediately by reply, never heard another word, ever. Not even a Xmas card. I know ex told phenomenal lies. When his mother died, she told him not to mess up his current relationship (with AP). I think she always knew how that side of the family had behaved appallingly.

SissySpacekAteMyHamster · 14/10/2026 23:36

I have kept in touch with my exSIL as she is like a sister to me. I see her more than my DB.

My DB doesn't like it, but she wasn't the one who broke up the marriage , so he can go whistle.

Pallisers · 15/10/2026 00:12

I'm sorry you are in this situation OP. It must be really difficult.

Of course your in laws should make contact - even to say how sorry they are and to ask you to understand that it might be difficult to be in a lot of contact in the future but they wish you well and if you ever need anything etc.

But people are weak and lazy. And sometimes nasty.

I knew a woman years ago whose husband upped and left her and her 2 small children. She never saw him again or heard from him or got a penny from him. nor did her children. His parents lived a couple of streets over from her. Her children never saw them again after their son abandoned her. Not a penny of help, not a birthday card, not a pound for their communion. How you could do that is beyond me.

The only good thing is they are completely out of your life now. Tell your children you would have liked to have stayed in contact but they have made it clear they have no interest in you (get the true story to your adult children before they hear lies from your in laws). Then go on and live a happy life without them.

millymollymoomoo · 15/10/2026 07:05

Deleted as wrong thread !

WhyamIinahandcartandwherearewegoing · 15/10/2026 07:07

MoreCheeseEverywhere · 14/10/2026 21:57

What do I do about their DC - do I still send gifts etc from me? They are older teens now.

Leave that to your ex. Save your money and your sanity - send a card.

Walkerzoo · 15/10/2026 07:08

Blood thicker.

Step away. They are not your family and for your wellbeing and mental health best not to get involved or encourage contact.

RappelChoan · 15/10/2026 07:13

When my marriage ended I messaged my nice SIL to wish her the best. But that was about it - they aren’t my family and I’m happy to leave them in my past along with my exh!

cartagenagina · 15/10/2026 07:14

My ex ILS turned against me after XH kicked the shit out of me in front of my ten year old. I shouldn’t have called the police apparently as that sort of behaviour is just to be expected in a marriage…

It smarted at the time but that was more to do with the injustice of it.

You need to stop thinking about what these people think of you. Truth is you have pretty much ceased to exist for them.

Set about building a life that doesn’t include them.

user1492757084 · 15/10/2026 07:16

They can not disown their own son and brother, even thoigh they did not like his behaviour at all.

They did not cause him to cheat on you. It is his fault that you broke up but his family are always going to be his family no matter how disappointed and disgusted they are in his behaviour.

Yes, send birthday cards and positive transparent communication to your children's cousins when appropriate.

You are their aunt but will probably not be invited to big events. Be content with that
.
Find some one worthy of you.

sandgrown · 15/10/2026 07:22

My in laws, who lived away , dropped me when husband went off with my friend. A few years later when I saw them at a family christening they couldn’t have been nicer and said they had been embarrassed and hadn’t known what to say . When ex-mil became a widow she moved closer and adult DD spent a lot of time with her . I think I saw her more than her son did !

Wish44 · 15/10/2026 08:00

Same happened to me op.

His new girlfriend has stepped into my role of family support worker.

my reflection, after time and the hurt has subsided, is WTF was I doing being their support and why is she doing it? I have realised that my ex and his whole family just take and take and I was a mug. All the time I thought I was being loyal and building a family. They were taking advantage . I know that they would say something like “ but you enjoyed that role”

I will raise my girls to not behave like me and ex new partner and my boys not to expect it.

I watch it all play out from a distance with new partner and family and I know how much she is doing for them all. I feel sorry for her. But still hope she gets the same treatment I did one day.

muddyford · 15/10/2026 08:04

Late DH and I were together over 30 years. He died in the summer and his family haven't been in touch, even though I was the one inviting them, ringing to see if they were OK, doing cards and presents. Another friend has had similar after 50 years so it's not uncommon.

saraclara · 15/10/2026 08:16

He's clearly spun them a line about you to justify him leaving you for someone else.

saraclara · 15/10/2026 08:18

MoreCheeseEverywhere · 14/10/2026 23:21

@whippersnapper55 well I especially liked my SIL (who is married to my BIL) and actually my SIL and BIL as well. When I’ve not been the arsehole here it hurts and saddens me to lose connections I once cherished.

I understand it is difficult but to drop someone isn’t fair or kind.

Is there any mileage in contacting SIL to say that you miss her? As she's slightly removed as an in-law to the family, maybe she will respond?

RaraRachael · 15/10/2026 08:28

My PiL had died by the time we separated. His immediate family live far away so never see them.

However he has completely wormed his way into my family to the extent that they'll invite him to things and exclude me. For example at my auntie's funeral I was told to sit anywhere except the front 2 rows as they were for family yet he was sitting there as smug as anything.

It was started and enabled by my mother as 'I brought shame on her by getting divorced "

MysteryParcel · 15/10/2026 08:53

MY MIL has never heard me describe her as a narcissist - you are right that it comes from therapy as it is what I have learned from the therapy I've had to have since the split

Then I suggest you get a new therapist as they should not be diagnosing someone they’ve never met nor evaluated based on your (biased) representation of them; it should be against their professional codes of ethics.

LadyHexham · 15/10/2026 09:00

I would probably send cards (only) this year and see what sort of reception they get.

Wildgoat · 15/10/2026 09:13

You don’t know what he’s told them about the split or you, ultimately they will always take his side,no matter how unfair it feels, they are his family at the end of the day.

just keep it classy and dignified,

DiNozzoComingBack · 15/10/2026 09:14

I think it can be very complicated and yes, families often apply pressure to say that no one can have contact with the ex. I think in the case of your SIL, I'd be inclined to drop her a message saying you'd like to maintain a relationship if she's open to it, but do so knowing she might not be.

Re the kids - if you have a relationship with them and you WANT to send them presents/cards, then do. If you don't, then don't.

I have no intention of divorcing DH but if I did, he has an aunt (by marriage) and a niece and nephew that I would actively stay in touch with but if the rest of them dropped me, I'd be sad, but it wouldn't destroy me.

Swissmeringue · 15/10/2026 09:18

I don't think blame comes into it, people just generally side with their own family member in a divorce. I'm sure they think his behaviour is terrible, but he's still their son/brother so they will put him first. I wouldn't expect to stay in touch with dh's family if we split, and I wouldn't expect mine to stay in touch with him.

RaraRachael · 15/10/2026 10:16

I wouldn't side with a family member if they'd cheated.

All this "Blood is thicker than water" stuff is shite.

Iloveacurry · 15/10/2026 10:30

As someone said, perhaps drop the rope, don’t bother with cards and gifts going forward.

sesquipedalian · 15/10/2026 10:36

MoreCheeseEverywhere · 14/10/2026 22:04

Sigh. I genuinely cannot understand these people. If any of my siblings had an affair I would 100% reach out to their partners and show some kind of empathy / kindness / support.

OP, you say that, but it can lead to problems. I got in extremely well with my Dbro’s first wife and am still in touch with her. My DSis’s think it is weird and strange and I shouldn’t be. My MIL stayed in touch with my DH’s brother’s previous wife, and I know she was devastated when their marriage broke down. In terms of PILs, it depends on many things - but when the chips are down, any parent will take their own child’s part. The DGC will obviously stay in touch with their DF and DGPs, but I can understand that sometimes, it’s just too difficult.

Gall10 · 15/10/2026 10:38

Pinkbananaa · 14/10/2026 21:51

Blood is thicker than water

But also remember….you can choose your friends but not your family!

luckylavender · 15/10/2026 10:39

MoreCheeseEverywhere · 14/10/2026 21:57

What do I do about their DC - do I still send gifts etc from me? They are older teens now.

No, cut them all off.