Anyone else struggling when an ex gets all the sympathy?

[Junglejune]

Anyone else a bit hacked off that the ex is getting all the sympathy and attention from friends and our adult children while I’m just expected to plough on. Despite the fact I’m having to move and have all the upheaval and he’s staying in the family home. Also he’s retired and on holiday all the time with tons of cash and I’m still working.

I know I’m being a bit pathetic but he’s been horrible and borderline abusive while I’ve placated him for years and kept the home fires burning doing everything with the kids. And yet he’s getting all the sympathy and people running round inviting him on holidays and numerous Christmas dinner invitations.

It especially hurts me with the kids treating him like a celebrity. I know I should be more grown up about it but after being the only adult for decades I’m finding it a bit hurtful and difficult to swallow.

Anyone relate?

You are feeling exactly what you should be feeling.

This is when you find out who is really your friend. For the adult kids, they will eventually realise which parent is there for them. If it’s both of you, so much the better for them.

Why did you have to move out?

With my abusive ex, the police & court ordered him to leave so I stayed in the family home. So if borderline abusive was abusive, have you considered filing a police report?

Thank you so much for replying.

I wanted to move out because I couldn’t afford our house on my own. I am moving to a much smaller place with smaller bills. In a way it’s a fresh start and I know I’ll be happier eventually. It’s just it’s short term much more of an upheaval with all the house purchasing hassle plus I’ll have to get everything set up in the new place, get all new furniture etc.

So I don’t get why people are fussing around him when for years he left me to it and pretty much organised a semi detached life where he worked away a lot, holidayed with his mates and yet somehow he’s the wronged one because I asked for the divorce.

He was vile and regularly said some horrible things to me and squared up a few times but nothing I would say was criminal. Just regularly unpleasant, undermining and belittling.

There is verbal/emotional abuse, but I can understand not wanting to open that box. With my ex, I realised too late he’d wanted a divorce for years but he didn’t want to be the one to file for it. First, he hates any kind of administrative work. Second, he also wanted to construct a narrative where he is the victim of an unstable wife who kicks him out of the house.

So he gradually made life more miserable for me so I’d file for divorce. He always had reasons for his behaviour and because it was a long marriage with kids, I trusted and supported him thinking if I got him the right help, or took on more myself then he’d go back to how he was before.

I stuck by him for too long and he got violent. So you’ve done the right thing leaving your ex. I have a theory that the reason why most divorces are initiated by women is because the husband is the one choosing it but decides to force his wife to file through coercion.

My ex is playing the victim too and I can’t say much to anyone other than immediate family members as his day in court is pending.

It is a huge upheaval for you & me. We will have to start new lives. I feel resentful about it too because why did he put me through years of misery so that I can now go through more years of misery with a divorce. I know I will be happier too in the long run, it just hurts to know it will be awhile before I get there and the one person in life I should have been able to trust has betrayed me.

I have been seeing a psychologist weekly to help me through this without damaging my relationships with my kids. It has really made a difference in my mental state and helps me navigate things like the first thing my adult daughter in college said when I went to collect her for summer vacation was “if dad kills himself because you kicked him out, I will never forgive you” (she blamed me for going to the police). I think in time they will come round. They’re quite young adults and he never treated me badly around them or treated them badly - the change in him was around when the youngest went off to college.

You will see on other threads a narrative of self blame about having chosen poorly. I don’t think it’s a matter of not choosing wisely, because he was a decent, loving man. He has changed. We can’t control what people change into. We accept the fact people change throughout their lives, it’s only when women divorce men that have become vile that this narrative pops up about should have chosen better or men like that never change you just missed red flags. I’m sorry but I think that is misogyny. I didn’t choose the wrong man, he chose to become a horrible man. He is responsible. And I say the same to you. Your ex actively chose to become vile and horrible to you, he changed. You are not in any way responsible for not having a crystal ball or his choices.

I've had this before as the ex was cashed up and the adult children thought they would get some money from him plus he was generally charming to others

That sounds like a lot and I’m sorry you have to go through a court situation. I’m lucky in that we’ve agreed it between us. Basically I’m asking for a lot less than I’m legally entitled to because I don’t want a fight and because I will be able to afford a decent life without it. I feel for you that you’re having to go through all that as well as the general upheaval of divorce.

It’s awful that your daughter is blaming you so openly. My son told me that I was lucky that ‘dad was giving me a house’. No understanding that I’d worked for twenty years before getting married and that I’d had my own flat that I’d stupidly sold pre marriage and given him the money to put towards our next house that was wholly in his name! I’d also done all the domestic stuff and childcare and supervised building work on several properties to get to where we are now. But apparently he just gave me the house! Also not realising that he’s several million pounds better off than me!

I don’t think my husband was trying to get me to divorce him. I think he just doesn’t like women much and wanted to use me as his emotional punch bag. But he was blindsided by me asking for a divorce. I think he thought I wouldn’t have the guts to leave. It’s not been easy.

Im not that resentful about the divorce, more relieved. I think my life will be better in the long run and I think the same for you if you can only get a fair settlement. But I do think it’s highly unfair if both of us are being made out to be the bad guy. That’s just a step too far having put up with the rubbish for all those years.

I don’t think my husband changed. I think he just showed me a different side to himself. I think part of him is caring and fun. He just only wanted to show that part to his friends. Part of him is angry and bitter and that’s the bit he thought I’d have to swallow because I’m the wife so should be endlessly supportive and have no emotional needs whatsoever. The only bit I’m annoyed with myself about is not seeing the red flags at the beginning. They were there but I just made allowances and thought the nice side that occasionally popped up would be enough. It wasn’t.

Im sorry. Do they still spend much time with you or is it all about the ex?

Yup, it's very, very painful and often there's no end. I had an older friend who's kids treated dad like he could do no wrong when he was the dirty abusive cheater and it hurt her all her life til she died. Now that's my fate too.

I worked my tail off to keep the marriage going, but as above he drove me to file so he could be the victim. I then broke my back bending over to keep the kids happy but nothing was ever good enough, now they just want dad and barely even speak to me. He us a covert narc and one of the traits is a wider circle of fans who think he is a 'great guy'. So if course, no one believes me about the abuse.

I should add, I was very hurt by a couple of my best friends immediately and very clearly chosing him, just cutting me off dead, even when we had shared hobbies totally unrelated to the marriage, i wasnt talking about him etc. It was just if i wasnt with him, im out, goodbye.

Why are you letting him get so much more in the divorce? Do you have a solicitor? If people including your children are going to take his side then I would definitely be going for 50% of marital assets in the divorce - it is fair.

Sounds like he’s ’poor old Mike, you know Susan’s only gone and left him to fend for himself’. He’s got the sob story and he’s got the money and he’s got a more palatable version of what’s happened.

People would rather listen to him say that he doesn’t know what’s happened and they can help ‘fix it’ with very little effort than they would listen to your side of being unhappy, emotionally abused and bringing up your children unsupported.

They can go round to his and carry on as before. If they visit you in your new place it’s confronting and with the chance that they might be asked to paint a wall or fix the WiFi.

In a couple of months you could maybe arrange to see your adult children with the purpose of telling them what’s happened from your perspective.

Im happy with it. He earned the most of the money. I will still have a good life. And I wanted it to be amicable as far as possible. I’m fine about the money. I am quite old now and don’t want to spend my best years left wrangling in court.

That’s not my issue. It’s just about him being the good guy and getting so much sympathy and support! While I’m supposed to just get on with it. People have been supportive for instance but no one has invited me on holiday or for sympathy meals out like for him.

That’s an interesting take that I hadn’t thought of. Yes it’s easier to deal with him. I’m the one with more difficult issues to handle I guess right now. He’s just got the traditional sob story of the ungrateful wife. Mine is much more difficult to hear and even to believe as it’s not a one off appalling incident but a drip, drip, drip of disrespect and disappointment. Also people tend to find the single male on his own socially less awkward somehow than the single woman who’s either an embarrassment or s threat!

There’s also a large part of me that doesn’t want to be bitter. I don’t want to be a victim. It’s just at times it feels a bit hard to be the bigger person! Hence offloading a bit on this thread as I don’t want to do it in real life too much!

Yes, I get the ‘great guy’ thing.

I hope you’ve managed to build a life separate from all that and find your own group of your people. Ultimately living our best lives is the best answer.

It may be that people know you are able to look after yourself and that he is used to being cared for, so might fall apart on his own . Also it was your decision to leave.
Either way you have done the right thing in leaving and by not involving your kids in your painful relationship with the dad they love. This is the hatdest bit. Best of luck.

You left. So of course in the eyes of the uninformed you are the villain. He’s got the wronged man story. You know it’s not true but nobody else was inside the marriage. I’d say lean in to part and screw him for as much as you can, you earned it.

I'm trying, 8 years in, but the kids do have a habit of snapping you back to it 😔 i bitterly regret making this unbreakable link with him.

Thanks. I appreciate your good wishes.

I’m genuinely feeling better just getting it off my chest and saying the unsayable! And everyone has been very kind on here. So thanks all!

For The love of god not everything is abuse.

This.

Yes the kids are a hard one because you can’t see them as completely separate from him. He’s their dad and they love him!

I get the regret too. It’s really hard. Keep trying you deserve a good life.

It’s really hard when they use DARVO so well.

My ex cheated on me so many times. Was verbally and finally physically abusive in front of the DCs. Was deeply unpleasant to them all too. Spent all family money. Got me into debt with unpaid school fees - he spent that money on a holiday for him and his gf.

But he’s managed to rehabilitate himself entirely. It’s incredible. Even one of my DCs has chosen to live with him.

I am very angry. The only solace I have is that I will never ever be like him. I will be in debt forever because of his fucktard behaviour but I will never be like him.

I’m angry for you too!

Unbelievable that he’s coming out of it smelling like a country garden.

I’ve always thought I might find boxing quite satisfying to get out the anger…

Maybe another solace is you don’t have to sit across from him at the kitchen table ever again. That’s got to be good news.

I left exH with very young DC to go into a refuge. This was after over ten years of absolute hell. Physical, sexual and emotional abuse. He immediately went on the defensive and told everyone I was a liar, made it all up to get free housing and benefits, etc. Unbelievably many of our mutual friends and even some of my family members including my mother believed him. My mother died believing him and having been NC from me for 15 years. He also pretended I was stopping him seeing DC when he didn't once try to see them (I would have gone through hell and high water to stop him as he was violent and emotionally abusive to them too but thankfully he never tried).

I moved to a different city and started a happy new life, have been married to a wonderful man for decades. ExH has been married twice since and I'm told after each relationship broke down he did exactly the same as he did with me - telling all and sundry his ex was 'mental', 'psycho', 'evil', a liar... And still people support him. A while ago I happened on a SM post where he was talking about the 'disgusting' women he had been involved with and his friends were telling him it was because narcissistic, sociopathic women prey on sensitive, gentle men like him and that he needs to be careful about getting involved with 'fruit loops' who will abuse and manipulate him. They were saying how brave and strong he was and being happy is the best revenge. A close family member of mine was in the comments saying they were ashamed to be related to me but also glad because it meant they'd met him and were his friend.

I do my best to get on with my life and I've made a good go of it I think, but what he did and still does is still in my head every single day.

I wish you the best of luck OP, these men are master manipulators but all we can do is try to live the best lives we can once they are out of them 💐

Thanks @Margaritaaahhh . You really have been through it. I’m sad to hear people’s stories but I feel less alone with it.

How could your own mother not support you? It beggars belief! I’m really sorry but pleased for you that you’ve got a lovely husband now. It must help to no longer feel like you’re going mad.

I’ve had many years of therapy and usually I don’t think of past negative experiences much. It’s just much more present with the move imminent. What’s weird is he’s much nicer to me now. I hope your memories fade in time and I think I’d unfollow (but not unfriend) anyone who posts anything in support of that whack job.

When we split I didn't have any more contact with his side of the family - we'd never been close anyway.
He has truly wormed his way in with my family. At a couple of family funerals on my side he has been given important jobs to do which I found very hurtful.

People in the town thinn he's so nice but they've no idea of the utter misery and nastiness I suffered at the hands of him and my own mother.