Anyone else struggling when an ex gets all the sympathy?

[Junglejune]

Anyone else a bit hacked off that the ex is getting all the sympathy and attention from friends and our adult children while I’m just expected to plough on. Despite the fact I’m having to move and have all the upheaval and he’s staying in the family home. Also he’s retired and on holiday all the time with tons of cash and I’m still working.

I know I’m being a bit pathetic but he’s been horrible and borderline abusive while I’ve placated him for years and kept the home fires burning doing everything with the kids. And yet he’s getting all the sympathy and people running round inviting him on holidays and numerous Christmas dinner invitations.

It especially hurts me with the kids treating him like a celebrity. I know I should be more grown up about it but after being the only adult for decades I’m finding it a bit hurtful and difficult to swallow.

Anyone relate?

Honestly, the best thing to do for your own happiness and peace of mind is to remind yourself that YOU ARE DIVORCED.

You have a fresh start. A new home, and all the freedom of the years that lie ahead of you. What he does, who he's friends with, what story he's telling people, what sympathy he's getting from them- all of these things no longer have anything to do with you, so dont think about them and dont let it all get under your skin. Focus forward and on all the new things you are free to do in your own new and free life, its going to be awesome. Everyones going to get very tired of his hard luck situation but even when they do, or even f they dont, so what - you will have built your own happiness and your own identity seperate from him and the unit of the two of you that used to exist.

I don't understand why you're letting this stand? Jesus. do you have daughters? Because it seems to me the narrative here is that your ex worked really hard all these years and you were just at home having a lovely life, paid for by him, and now , you've abandoned him and he's going to have to fend for himself?

Is that the story you want your daughters to believe? Or your sons when, in due course, they're married?

Becuase the real narrative is that while you were together, he earned the money and you did all the work at home - the childcare, the home making etc. this allowed him to work the long hours and he had plenty of time to go away and do his thing. Meanwhile, you were treatd like a skivvy by him and he was unkind and unappreciate of your efforts. You contributed financially up front and none of that was taken into account and so you're going to walk away with less.

Jesus wept. I'm sorry you're going through this but please, take at least some control of the narrative. YOu don't have to create a massive fight but you can poibt out that no, he didn't earn all the money while you frittered it away. You were raising children and looking after the home and facilitating his life and, by th eway, also contributed financially significantly befor echildren came along.

This has made me very angry.

Yes!!

I had a similar situation.
My ex cheated on me with a friend and had also been doing Class A drugs.
He ruined our family (we had young children at the time), he absolutely broke my heart, behaved like a selfish arsehole and then was horrendously abusive once he realised I wasn't just going to "get over it" and stay with him for the kids sake....and yet he continued to gain sympathy from anyone and everyone.
Even stayed in touch with my family, went round to my parents for tea and chats.

Eventually I lost my rag at everyone, angrily, and explained how a bit of solidarity for how I'd been treated would be nice, rather than everyone carrying on like this man hadn't destroyed my mental and physical health for the last few years.
I'm still angry that they weren't more supportive of me and instead enabled his abuse, even sympathising with his victim mindset that he was somehow the one to come out worse off.
Like awww poor him, he was in such a bad place mentally (at the time he cheated and was abusing alcohol and drugs)

Honestly, it messed me up so badly!

Sending you strength and hope. It will get easier!

I hope they turned it round and felt bad for not supporting you.

My story isn’t as difficult as yours so I have less to get over. I will move forward it’s just from time to time it just stings.

You can tell people though until you’re blue in the face but they’ll believe what they want to, either because they lack imagination or because it suits them.

People find out in the end. My BiL was like this, and when DH's sister left him she was the black sheep of the family. DH's parents sided with him, not their own daughter. for years, until they finally saw him for who he really was. A bitter, alcoholic user, a misogynist and a scrounger. He is so pissed off that FiL has taken him out of the will and told him so. He was anticipating getting his hands on his ex-wife's family money. His own daughter loathes him and stays with us rather than him if she is nearby.

The most important thing is that your life is no longer tied to his. Enjoy your freedom.

It's because you left, and presumably there was no other woman or obvious abuse so basically you abandoned the poor fella.

Do any friends or family know the truth? It may be worth explaining to those closest to you why you left.

Unfortunately bad behaviour is minimised, lots would expect you to put up with him being an arse, expecting you to do everything, making comments or arguing because it's what women used to have to put up with. So you still may get limited sympathy.

Move on, you're out of there, get some more friends and interests and live your best life.

The ex has been passed away for over a decade now so now it's not polite to speak ill of the dead so I have kept quiet all these years. They do spend more time with me now after he passed away.

He was a violent alcoholic. He took me out of a restaurant at knife point. Neither one of my DC know that. They don't seem to remember much of his rages I suppose that's a good thing for their sake

None of us know you, him or your friends and family. So we can’t really give you an explanation for why this is happening, if it is indeed happening. Reading your posts I don’t see any examples of what people are doing to suggest they are more sympathetic to him. How do you know this is happening? What is it you want from people that they aren’t giving you?

When couples split people will generally stay close to the person they have the closest relationship with, because that person was their friend or relative. In these cases this won’t tally up who was the better spouse or better person. They might have an opinion on that but it won’t influence who they remain close to.

A few others will get involved because they have their own issues but the rest will probably try to remain neutral. They will sympathise and empathise with what you are both going through if they are good people.

My suggestion would be that to focus on your relationships with the people who matter to you. Some of them may still want to have a relationship with your ex. There’s not a lot you can do about that. There is also nothing you can do to change or influence your ex.

It’s far easier to act the victim and to try to poison everyone against you but you get the glorious freedom. I would just insist to the kids it’s not a popularity contest and let them find out what he is really like for themselves.

Children and young adult’s thinking is very black and white, their dad is playing the victim so of course they are feeling sorry for him. If you sat them down and explained it would make you as bad as ex trying to get them to choose sides. Of course they will be upset and yes their dad is making it worse but when the dust settles they will learn what he’s like without you to smooth the way. The real reason they are upset is because their parents have split up and they are trying to come to terms with it. Assure them their emotions are valid and you won’t be telling tales in the hope of them siding with you. That they can come to you and talk through how they are feeling anytime because you love and care about them like you always have.