Husband wants a divorce, should I still do everything at home?

[Gingerbread987]

My husband has told me he wants a divorce.
Up until now I have been cooking every meal, doing every bedtime, getting up in the night, on the mornings with our child - the vast majority of the washing, housework etc etc
I feel like this is ‘wife work’ which he should no longer benefit from….but I have been a SAHM since the birth of our child and he gives me a monthly allowance which generously covers all household bills and a little extra for me. So is he still entitled to all this help? If not, how would you broach this without him just saying ok no more money then?

How old is your child?

Maintain the status quo and book an appointment with a lawyer immediately. Take it from there.

I'd keep doing it for now and get legal advice and start looking for a job ASAP!

I agree I would maintain the status quo - you are still benefitting from him financially and you don't have an independent source of income so I would be cautious about changing the terms, albeit I can see why you would want to!

I'm assuming he'll still pay the bills so if you can do without the little extra for yourself then stop doing anything for him - just for your child.

Financially you are going to be absolutely screwed so I’d try and maintain the status quo for as long as you possibly can. At least until you secure employment.

My ex h stayed in our joint home for a year after we split up - not easy at all. He was used to me doing everything and did not take kindly to me withdrawing all services as I was advised to. So no cooking, clothes washing, ironing etc for him as doing those things constituted still being married. This was legal advice

Good luck.

You need to discuss it and come to an agreement. I dont think carrying on fingers crossed he will still give you money is wise. You dont want to wake up one day and hes gone and theres no money. You need to prepare and you need information. What are your plans for when he leaves? How will you support yourself then?

How unnecessary

He won’t be leaving the house - we will!

Unfortunately I have been to see a solicitor but it’s such a complicated situation with mingled finances that she couldn’t help much - her advice was to do mediation with a barrister but at the moment I’m just trying to get through day to day and not cause a bigger issue for myself in the long run

Thank you to everyone who’s taken the time to reply - all things considered, I agree with the majority and think I will maintain the status quo until the next stage. At the very least, I can build up a little pot for myself and my child.

I am not sure why a solicitor says they can’t help. You can’t just sit back and let him call the shots. Start gathering evidence. How long have you been together? How long married? How old is your child? What’s the housing situation?

her advice was to do mediation with a barrister

That doesn’t sound right. Aren’t mediators and barristers two entirely different professions? So you try mediation first, and if you can’t come to an agreement, you may have to employ a barrister to argue your case in court?

Mediators and barristers are indeed different. One far more expensive than the other for one thing, never mind different skills. Are you sure she didn't say mediator and then a barrister? But AFAIK barristers are accessed through solicitors?

I wouldn’t make any more obvious changes. Yes, start saving as much as you can from your allowance, but you need to be doing much more.

Im surprised the solicitor was not more helpful with the financial aspects. That is the most important part of this entire process.

You need to figure out what you are going to do to support yourself and your child. Don’t tell your husband. Sadly, he is not your friend in this. Every step you take including securing housing, employment, and legal representation should be a closely guarded secret until you must reveal it.

This thread may be helpful - https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/divorce_separation/5386200-hes-divorcing-me-where-do-i-start?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=app_share You can filter by the OP and see her insight after being through it.

It’s because the financial situation is too complicated- she recommended mediation led by a barrister

Apparently you can have mediation led by a barrister - we have mingled finances which has tax implications beyond the usual remit of a family solicitor

Ah, I see, thanks.

This was around money but was told by my solicitor that things should remain the same through separation - we did around 50/50 house stuff so that was never an issue.

Firstly yes, he is paying for everything and you stay at home, so it seems fair the stay at home does the work. If you rock the boat he could say he is reducing the amount and you are worse off.

Secondly, there are ways you can help yourself. When shopping add a £25 voucher to the shop and hide it. it adds up. Unless your shop is £50 it wont come out (and maybe buy a few cheaper lines so that your bill is closer to what it normally is).If he is staying there, reduce the amount of 'stock' you hold, you want the cupboards to be near empty when you leave. Add in stuff that is for you, stock up on deodorant or mascara etc...

That’s so helpful, thank you

Thank you so much for sharing - that’s practically and emotionally a brilliant thing to read

It is absolutely possible to do mediation with a legal representative. It's called hybrid mediation. Posters with no experience should astain from giving legal advice on MN.

I'm not sure what would be complicated if you are married that would result in a family solicitor not being able to advise, unless they are new to the job.

Hello, we are married - however my husband is from a wealthy family and over the years we have invested in various assets. The solicitor advised that because tax implications are very complicated a barrister is better placed to advise