Sharing expenses while separated but not divorced...any suggestions for this situation?

[eewwdavid]

My ex moved out around 2 years ago, he instigated the split. I have remained at home with the kids, and surprise surprise he has turned out to be useless with them. He pops in to see them most days, quick hello or takes them out for the occasional meal but no overnights. They've never been to where he's living.
Originally finances carried on more as less as when we were together, over time he has extracted himself from almost everything apart from the mortgage.
In terms of expenses related to the kids, I am detailing groceries, club costs etc and we are halving them. He drags his feet on this.
We haven't been able to move forward with divorce as waiting for public sector CETV statements.
I'm finding this financial arrangement increasingly difficult and unfair as he has no caring responsibilities. Nothing is legally arranged just now.
I wondered if anyone could suggest an easier and fairer way to do this in this interim period? Thanks in advance!

Well we can all suggest ways but it really comes down to

Ho much is he paying for mortgage vs what cms would be
and what are the plans for the home longer term?

Presumably He is having to pay his own rent and bills too now ?

Is he going to sign your home over to you and can you afford the mortgage on your own?
Or will you sell and split the equity?

Have you worked out how much he would have to pay using the CMS calculator? Start with 100% overnights with you and see what he’d have to pay and compare that to the total of half the mortgage, half the food, and half the activities to see if your current arrangement provides more or less financial support than a formal arrangement via CMS

You should have gone to CMS and h should be paying towards his DC upkeep. You shouldn't have to keep asking him for money towards DC things, it's demeaning for you.

It does feel demeaning @caringcareri really hate it!
We plan to sell the house and split the equity.
My solicitor has said avoid cms if poss as he is self employed after taking early retirement...I think his on paper income will be tiny.

He is renting so yes will have his own bills...it might just be that I have to continue like this until he's no longer contributing towards the mortgage...it just feels unfair that he has washed his hands of looking after the kids

Cetv’s do not take that long. Need chasing up and divorce finalising

Public sector ones do...you only need to look on the news or on previous threads here to see evidence of that. It's horrific. I finally got mine after almost a year, culminating in me calling them almost daily, escalating a complaint etc. DH will not make that effort i don't think, hence the delay

I get your frustration

However, if he’s paying

his own rent and bills while you get the benefit of remaining in the house
and he’s paying some or all the mortgage
and his share of if groceries / kids related expenses

what more do you think he should be paying for ??
ultimately you need to either buy him out or sell and reach agreement on financial settlement but currently it doesn’t eeem
that unfair in terms of money.

why is he not having them stay over ?

As others have said, if he’s still paying half the mortgage is that more or less than CMS would be?

Technically as you are the only one living there you should be paying 100% of the mortgage, his 50% as occupational rent, and then you could claim CMS from him formally- but you may be worse off financially doing that.

You're all right...his mortgage contributions are part of his contributions towards the kids.
I wasn't looking for him to pay more...more looking for a better system? Right now his contributions towards his kids are determined how frugal i am or otherwise on the food shops. I wondered if there was a better way to do it so I could budget better

@Jellybunny98what do you mean by occupational rent?
God only knows why he isn't having them over...even cooking their dinner a couple of times a week would be a start. He can't/ won't answer when i raise it with him..our communication is very minimal anyway

Unfortunately you can’t force him to parent. I’d stop him dropping in though unless it benefits you?

Could you look at the total he’s paid over the last 12 months then suggest you divide that by 12 to give a monthly amount moving forward??

Occupational rent essentially means that you should be paying 100% of the mortgage if you are the only one living there. You pay your 50%, and his 50% as rent to him basically for living there.

You have 2 years of expenses relating to the kids. Add it up divide it by 24 and ask he pays that each month - on the basis he’s ok
paying mortgage/his own rent and these costs.

Thank you again. I will count up and average what he's sent over the last year or so...think it will be fairly pitiful. He does sometimes buy them clothes which helps. I'm just so keen to have it formalised. I cant manage the mortgage on my own so have to not rock the boat for now.

How is it pitiful if you’re detailing costs of groceries, kids clubs and expenses and he’s paying half ?

Because he's not sharing care 50/50...or indeed any percentage...when there's literally nothing stopping him from doing so. I dont mean in terms of the amount of money. Just that sporadically contributing to food shops is his sole role in parenting.

I bet that in terms of shared care responsibilities but his financial contribution is not pitiful if it’s half their costs plus mortgage ( either some or all )

I get that actual parenting might be pitiful but you were referring to the average monthly £ being pitiful which it isn’t if he’s covering half their costs

Starting to think you're him @millymollymoomoo😅
It's just another job for me to do, along with 100% of the parenting. Checking back on bank statements and demeaning myself having to wait till he deigns to cough up so I can claw my way out of my overdraft.
I will suggest a monthly average contribution...think it will not go down well

It’s difficult to know what’s fair without context.

You could be fair expecting him to contribute more in the interim , equally if he’s paying mortgage and then his own rent and bills etc plus contributing 50% if kids expenses you could be unreasonable expecting more.

we don’t know as we do t know incomes or costs. However, it’s certainly true in most cases that both parents have a lot less money if they’re having to cover the costs of running two properties rather than one. That’s why it’s common for couples to remain living together while separated and the key thing being to dirt out a financial settlement to break financial limbo

I think its unfair for you to expect more than half the mortgage. Once house is sold etc, then he should pay half of costs, but he has his own bills to pay too.

How old is he/kids if retired?

The finances and his woeful contributions to parenting are separate issues. He should be having then overnight etc, and take them on holiday. Can you ask to formalise a schedule for that? If he won’t. Then no court can force him I’m unfortunately

@ALovelyPinkUnicornhe's early 50s, they're teens