How did your partner respond when you said you wanted to separate?

[FolyHuck]

What has your partner said/done after you've told him you want to separate? Fairly sure this is not unique, but my H has basically acted as though the conversation hasn't happened!!!! Not for the first time a conversation like this has been ignored, either..
I know he won't want to move out; though he has options in terms of family-owned rentals. Also-he's barely been present in our 4 childrens' lives & travels lots with work. So out of necessity, I operate as though I'm a single mum 80% of the time anyway!
It's a stressful time for both of us for a number of other reasons, but I'm 100% sure I don't want to continue living with him partly due to how he handles his stress/his lack of empathy & support for me.
Not sure how to proceed TBH...interested to hear others' stories....

Hi OP, I have come to realise them acting like the conversation never even happened, is pretty much part of a script too - the one men use when they have been lazy/negligent/downright abusive and we decide to finally up and leave them

They just sort of carry on as usual .....

Also cue (them making)

> no effort to move out of the family home
> no real effort to do 50pc of time and effort with the kids, per usual
> no effort to do their own house chores

Why should they move out?

Opposite side here, and not just men, I acted for a while like he hadn’t said anything, because I was heartbroken and wanted him to see life was us as a family

We didn't live together but had been together 17 years.
When I told him I'd had enough of being neglected and overlooked and wanted to finish...
He didn't even question it, just accepted it!
That made me feel great!! NOT.
It did however, confirm that I had made the right decision.

Just agree whos in charge of the children on which evenings and then act as though you’re single and living with you ex which you are. Go to whatever if is you wanted to be single go go and do!

Why don't you move out?

So five people should move instead of one?

If it's that awful to live together - then yes!

They mentally checked out long ago OP...

But actually moving out would allow us to move on too, which perversely they do not want ! He probably wants to draw out you trying to fix things endlessly with the marriage.....as it sounds like you do most of the parenting and life admin while he travels for work.....

Do you have your own income

He cried.

I had been married for 30yrs, but everytime I tried to address our shitty marriage, he told me I was an idiot and walked away. Lost count of the amount of nights I cried myself to sleep. Then I met someone else. I cheated (yep, flame me now) for two months, then came clean.

At first my husband said he didn't want to lose me and could we just have an open marriage. Tried it for a few months, but the guilt ate me up, so I sat him down and said we were separating, selling the house etc ...

He went up to his bedroom, and sobbed. It was heartbreaking but I stayed strong. I think he cried every night for a month.

Went our separate ways over a year ago now and currently divorcing.

Yes

I’m confused why you’re still there?

If you want to separate then why haven’t you moved out already?

If my DH told me he wanted to separate and then expected me to be the one to leave, I’d think he was having a laugh.

You’ve told him you want to separate and so now it’s on you to find somewhere to live and move out.
Then depending on if the house is bought, putting it on the market to sell it etc but you need somewhere to live first.

Because they care about their children? They could engage with reality and behave in a way that minimizes the impact of the divorce on the kids, couldn’t they? Or they could continue to be selfish shits and maximise the hassle and pain for everyone - which seems to be your preferred option.

And of all the shitty things my ex did- that is the one people were prepared to call him out on. It’s also a complete red flag when dating. A man living alone in the marital home and the wife and kids in an apartment.

Is it worth trying marriage counselling? Just to give it a go to show the seriousness of the situation.
worth getting the house valued?
how old is the youngest child?

I was in almost the same situation only five children - he worked away for a fortnight, came home for a day and a half to drop his dirty washing and have it all done (by me) while he lay in front of the TV and told me how hard it was for him to sleep in a hotel all night with food laid on while I struggled completely alone with five children under ten, the hundreds of miles from family that HE moved us for his job.

So I said I was already a single parent and wanted to separate. He stared at me for a while, then said 'but I love you' (for the first time in about five years). I said,
well, you've got a funny way of showing it. and he went back off away to work and stayed with his parents instead of coming back. Neither the kids nor I saw much of him for the next decade

If your DH said he wanted to separate after you had behaved for years in a way which made the marriage ending inevitable, you might find the innocent eyed “why should I?” is the gobbiness too far that gets decent lawyers called in.

Do you behave like OP’s husband?

Wanting to end a shitty marriage doesn’t make the other party a victim for which they need to be recompensed.

The disruption to the children should be minimized - he can continue living as he pleases, just from a different address.

Blanked me, like he did most days. I think he’s starting to realize now.

If it's a joint mortgage etc... then both have a right to be there. In that case why not the woman moves out and the man stays there then?

Ex W coudnt get rid of me quick enough

He suddenly began to take notice of me but it was about 5 years too late. I'd tried but then went cold, our sex life had stopped for 2 years and he had the audacity to act surprised and hurt that i'd met someone else and was leaving.

He suggested all sorts of ridiculous set ups and then got physically rough.

I moved out and stayed local and the kids came with me through choice. He'd barely taken much notice of them either. The 50/50 split of the DCs lasted about 5 weeks before he started being unavailable for them at weekends. 20 years on he hasn't seen any of them since about 2010.

He moved all his stuff into the spare bedroom while I was at work then went in a huff in the evening because supposedly I was meant to plead with him to move back in 🙄