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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Panic - husband is now moving out

31 replies

Beachlovingirl · 05/11/2025 22:03

We’re separated but living together and we’ve been doing the 50/50 whilst living together and it’s been fine.

I’ve really wanted him to move out because it’s just awful still remaining living together.

he’s found a place and is moving out. Now I am realising that my DC will be leaving my house and staying at their dads for 50% of the time and it’s hit me hard. I’m questioning everything like my decisions to leave him. I’m on a panic. What if they are scared and want to come home and they can’t?

help 🙁

OP posts:
millymollymoomoo · 05/11/2025 22:43

Why would they be scared?

it’s a big change that is now becoming real. The thoughts will be worse than the reality. You’ll be fine

Purplefoo · 05/11/2025 22:45

It’ll be fine - as long as he’s a good dad. You’ll get to love your aline time, trust me!

BreakingBroken · 05/11/2025 23:30

Are you sure the scary part isn’t that they may enjoy it and eventually not choose to be with you?

roseymoira · 05/11/2025 23:33

Scared??

Original poster
Beachlovingirl · 06/11/2025 06:35

He is not a good dad on the whole. He has moments, but he’s very selfish. On his days while we’re living together and it’s one of his days, he rarely gets up for the school run. If the DC try to wake him he gets cross with them.

I've put scared because this is all new to them - sleeping in another house which is unfamiliar. New noises etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
Beachlovingirl · 06/11/2025 06:42

Also to add - he’s moving an hours drive away. Perhaps if they were closer I’d feel more settled.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 06/11/2025 06:46

Once school age how can he have the DC 50:50? Don’t agree to it.

What is the current situation do you both work?

Meadowfinch · 06/11/2025 06:47

How old are your dcs ?

I suspect, if he can't even be bothered to get up for schoolrun, his 50:50 will 10:90 by this time next year.

My ex demanded 50:50 but that lasted precisely one weekend. Ds was still in nappies at the time. Now he's an hour away it's 6 hours a week if he comes at all.

Original poster
Beachlovingirl · 06/11/2025 07:06

@Meadowfinch They are 12,14,15 so a not young children for the the 12 year old is a “young 12” and doesn’t like sleepovers even with grandparents or friends. I also suspect the 50/50 will drop off but it’s like in that time he realises he doesn’t want 50/50 I don’t want the dc to suffer.

@RandomMess we both work full time in remote working roles. I work very flexibly and him less so - though of course he gets up late and his company don’t have a clue.

OP posts:
Midgetgemsplease · 06/11/2025 07:09

BreakingBroken · 05/11/2025 23:30

Are you sure the scary part isn’t that they may enjoy it and eventually not choose to be with you?

Was there really any need for that level of unkindness?

Liondoesntsleepatnight · 06/11/2025 07:12

Are you really doing 50/50 now? If not start. Make him realise that he doesn’t really want it ?

MuchTooTired · 06/11/2025 07:20

@Beachlovingirl I'm at the start of the 50/50 journey with my DTs but they’re 7. It’s really scary isn’t it? I feel silly for saying it’s scary as the kids are with their Dad not some random man I found to have them for a week without me but I was the primary parent and I’m so used to meeting the kids needs as standard that I’m freaking out about not being there and them needing me. I have a life outside of the children, but my world has become them and the idea of not having them there to care for makes me feel most odd and unsure!

Wolbutter · 06/11/2025 07:22

What do the kids think? At those ages they will have a huge say in where they choose to live.

millymollymoomoo · 06/11/2025 07:24

At those ages they shouldn’t be scared at all !

its possible that once you’re not around to to do everything youll find your ex manages to get up and take them perfectly fine etc . Mine didn’t do much ‘parenting’ while together but managed perfectly well when apart.

50:50 doesn’t work if he’s moving an hour away simply from a logistical perspective with schools. And as teens they’ll want to downs more time with friends/sports/social life rather than having to be taken away to dads for a week at a time ( how is the 50% structured?)

PumpkinTwistyWindToots · 06/11/2025 07:25

They are old enough to look out for each other and not to come to much harm with him. They are also old enough to choose how much time they spend with him - do they actually want 50/50?

Doyoumind · 06/11/2025 07:29

What does he actually do with them currently during his 50% as I can't imagine it's much with 3 teens. What are you scared about for them? They're old enough to speak up for themselves if there are problems.

Do they even spend much time properly with you currently, apart from being in the same house?

MushMonster · 06/11/2025 07:35

How are your children getting to school from both your households?
For the rest, you will have to wait and see. He is likely to step up once out of the toxicity of a failed relationship. Your children are old enough to be quite independant. They will not be scared as such, though it will be a massive change for all of you.

Original poster
Beachlovingirl · 06/11/2025 07:36

@Doyoumind I am the primary carer and have been since they were born. They come to me for everything. Most weekends they wouldn’t interact with ex husband at all because he’d be in bed most of it or playing video games.

he just doesn’t understand their needs - they are all girls. He thinks they should “toughen up” and just disregards their opinions.

he is also very good at playing the victim and with the break up he has really being doing that. Saying to them this is down to your mother, I don’t want to leave she’s making me. Then they feel sorry for him. Even though they know he’s a rubbish parent and role model he’s still their dad.

They do not want 50/50 but are willing to give it a try. The one hours drive away was a surprise and we’re all still processing that part.

OP posts:
Nestingbirds · 06/11/2025 07:47

They are old enough to choose, and I can’t see them spending much time with him tbh. It sounds awful for them. This is just anxiety because it’s actually happening. They are almost adult in some cases: and if they don’t like it they can see him for lunch or the afternoon and come home.

I suspect this will work out fine op. They are not 2,3 and 5 where you would have a point. Let the process happen and evaluate calmly in a few weeks/months.

millymollymoomoo · 06/11/2025 07:49

Tbh I didn’t interact with mine much at that ages other than taxi them to sports, make dinner and give them money! Like normal teens they didn’t want to spend time with me - and rightly so . Of course if they needed help with homework or something they’d ask but hardly saw them
really as either out, at school or in their bedroom

Ohmygodthepain · 06/11/2025 08:05

How on earth is he going to manage a 4 hour school run on his days?

Don't worry op. Let him go and move an hour away. It'll be EOW contact (if that) by Christmas

99bottlesofkombucha · 06/11/2025 08:08

id support my girls to choose. Can you check online if they are late to school?

beAsensible1 · 06/11/2025 08:16

They are old enough to give it a go if they want and change their minds. Which is much better solution that seeming as if you are trying to frustrate their relationship with him.

him waking up late and being a lazy parent isn’t putting them in danger it just means he is shit. Being amenable now puts you in better stead for if/when shit hit the fan

Wowisthisit · 06/11/2025 08:18

Midgetgemsplease · 06/11/2025 07:09

Was there really any need for that level of unkindness?

Show quote history

That could sound unkind but I think, from my experience, that it is a genuine fear for some separated parents.

Wowisthisit · 06/11/2025 08:24

Have you had any mediation regarding access? I think that would be a good place to start. Your children are old enough to be able to express themselves to you if they need to. It won't be as scary as going to a grandparents house as they are used to living with him so it will be similar just in a different home.
You may find that he doesn't want 50/50 but is just asking for it so he doesn't have to pay maintenance. There will be a settling in period, if they are late for school then the school will let you know and he will be held responsible for this.
I expect that what it starts off as and what it ends up being will be two different things once he realises the reality of being the sole carer for half of the time.
Please try and enjoy a little time to yourself when he is with them, you can then refresh yourself for when they are back home with you and that will help you be your best for them.
It is really hard, I understand.