Split savings at separation, stbxh burned through his and now wants half of mine

[Totallyaddictedtoshoes]

Hi wise Mumsnet folk, I could do with some advice as my stbxh appears to have turned into some kind of monster.
I feel I’m being done over by him. When he left in May, he asked that I transfer half the savings to him as I had set up savings accounts over the years which he had never been interested in doing (we were together 22.5 years, everything had always been fully treated as joint). I did this in good faith, splitting everything 50/50. He has now come to me with his financial settlement proposal and is indicating the same savings ought to be added up and split again. I don’t think this can be right surely? He has spent the entire summer gallivanting around with his affair partner, booked 4 holidays within 2 months, been on multiple weekends and weeks away and has severely depleted his half of the savings as he lost his job in July. However he received a massive pay off from his old company which he is keeping out of the settlement.
I would never expect any part of that and have previously stated any savings/debts accrued since the date of separation in May should be our own, which he seemed to agree with. But surely given I have already paid him his half, he can’t be correct in what he is now proposing?
Can anyone help please? He is not nice to deal with, his affair witch is such a money grabber and it’s clearly rubbing off on him.

Hopefully you've transferred the money into a sole account so he can't get his sticky mitts on it? And yes, you'll have to argue the matter - in court if necessary. Really you need to take proper legal advice. There may be a way of freezing the account with the massive payoff so that he can't access it until the court makes a decision. You need to be much firmer with this monster. Don't let him walk all over you.

Thanks for your reply, yes my half was transferred into a sole account but he knows approximately how much I have since he knows how much I transferred to him.

We are stuck in limbo at the moment as we can’t apply for the conditional order until November and he doesn’t have a job yet so I’ve no idea what maintenance I’ll get going forwards. For now, he is paying what he did in his old job, which he should do as he has been paid out til the end of the year and I know a judge would see that as income for maintenance purposes.

I don’t know why I’m surprised really, he sold company shares behind my back in March, I found out by fluke in May when I asked for his bank details so I could transfer these savings and his balance flashed up. He’s also one of those insisting on me having my jewellery valued (I’ve only got wedding jewellery and a ring he gave me when I was 21, before we were married). He’s making such an idiot if himself, he didn’t know there was a £500 value threshold or that its resale not insurance value. Nor that engagement rings unless heirlooms are classed legally as gifts. None of mine were anywhere near that value. He’ll have got that idea as he has the insurance valuation certs in the safe which he took when he left.

Withdraw your half of the savings in cash between now and your court date and then say you've spent it all on fripoeries, gambling, earing out etc. As long as you have proof of the transaction where you gave him half, what's to stop you saying you've done the same as him with your half?

Put it in a safe place or rebank it elsewhere if you like. My friend went through similar with an ex hiding money, the courts dont have any financial forensic resources so they just believe any old shite they get told in court. Obviously get some legal advice if you can afford it. But that would be what I would do. Fuck him.

Yeah he doesn’t get to have his cake an eat it.

legally you aren’t financially separated until it all goes through.

personally I’d say that either you stick to the 50:50 and his payout isn’t included or yes you’ll happily split the savings but you’ll be wanting half of his payout.

Nope. There a date you split and im if the opinion after that what’s yours is yours and his is his. Gifts like engagement rings aren't included.

Make sure you go after his pension. Do him no favours. Hes a prick.

From the experience of a friend, then he can actually do this, as unfair as it is. His payout would also still be included even after separation as nothing is final until the financial order is agreed. Sorry Op.

I’d do what a pp suggested and withdraw it all now & claim you’d spent it all too.

Thanks everyone. Withdrawing would look dodgy though as it’s clear I only started doing it recently, historically there was never really any cash withdrawn in any significant amounts. I won’t be pushed around by him that’s for certain (he’s delusional in what he’s put in this financial statement and it would get laughed out of court anyway), but I need to keep my nose completely clean.

he’s gunning to buy me out of the family home it seems. Not sure our daughter would be happy with knowing his affair partner would be coming round defiling our family home though, she doesn’t want anything to do with her.

Who cares? He withdrew/spent all of his so surely if he raises you taking it out you can do the same for his?

I think what he’s done is spent the split savings on maintenance and all these holidays etc, then siphoned off a load of savings from his salary when he was earning. What’s happened is I’ve found this document on his one drive account which my daughters laptop has access to (he’s clearly forgotten this) so he hasn’t shown me yet, but I can see what he’s planning. There were 2 columns I’ve seen which are separate values not included in his settlement proposal, one will be his severance pay, the other will be savings he has accrued whilst earning cos he was spending the savings. He’s an absolute snake.

This. Savings included: payout included too. Annoying for you with such financial incontinence to deal with - the quicker FO sorted the better.

He's spent his, so why can't you spend yours?
An Hermés Birkin bag?

Oh wow! What a fucker 😠

That'd be an asset though. It'll have to be a luxury holiday and lots of treatments, if that's your thing. Or gifts to friends and family!

Take a photo of that document pronto.

I agree with PP. It doesn't matter if it looks dodgy, who is going to challenge you ? He has spent his money and you are entitled to spend yours. However you want. So withdraw it in chunks over the next few months and say you spent it on facials and hair cuts and going out and getting drunk on Bolly if asked. He cant criticise as he's spent his half.
And his payout is definitely in play !

this. Get a solicitor on it. Get the evidence.

agree.

a friend of mine gave her ex £50k when he moved out. It was soon spent and counted for nothing in the final messy court battles years later.

id take your half out and start stashing the cash or buying assets you can then sell later eg gold etc.

Use your share to pay for a solicitor ASAP.

Jokes about holidays aside, this. He IS an absolute snake. Save the document somewhere inaccessible and get a solicitor.

You need a solicitor!! Best 10k I ever spent!!

I would add his share of savings back on when you do a reply. The court can deem someone to have money they’ve spent if it’s been wasted / deliberate. I just wouldn’t engage with the notion he doesn’t have the money. Look up es2 form the court would use there is a column for each of you to say how much each has - you just add his 50% back on and say in the notes there’s a dispute. You would also include his payout as this exists.

i got a much bigger % share because I was honest and transparent and ex was dodgy. I know it doesn’t always shake out like that but if you are accusing someone else of hiding money and shady dealings it’s better to be squeaky clean yourself. We also had a gap between separation and final. Yes everything was technically in the pot but what happened post separation in how each of us behaved was one of the factors which led judge decide the split did not need to be equal to be fair. Found ex could have earned more / paid into own pension etc and his post separation finances were his responsibility + he had not been truthful.

If you couldn’t settle you would easily spend £££ in legal costs and savings will be less of any issue.

I wouldn’t be finalising anything without full form E with a sworn statement of truth and full disclosure. I’d be tempted to let him lie and then catch him out at questionnaire stage with the info you have. It doesn’t cost much to get to that stage I only got legal advice after that point. I managed form e and questionnaires from info online.

OP you can book and pay for a fully refundable holiday end of next summer in the UK via Booking.com so the money is out of your account showing spent but you can get it back by cancelling. You could rack up £10k on a holiday that way.

I also agree with using some of the money to pay for a solicitor.

You know he’s had his payout so he won’t be able to lie about it.

I photographed it and printed it out as we have a shared iCloud account. I honestly don’t know if I can officially use it as I shouldn’t have accessed it in the first place.

He has gone absolutely nuts at me, shouting and screaming because I opened the family iPad, found his email account open and had a look to find his affair proof which I then forwarded to myself. He’s yelled at me that it’s illegal (apparently it is), his affair slapper has accused me of criminal behaviour and abuse (there has been no abuse) and threatened to take “further action” if it continues. So I really don’t dare admit I’ve seen this document.
my issue is I am financially vulnerable due to the position I now find myself in and I’m scared to spend on things as I need the money for mine and my daughters future.

after the emotional torture and psychological abuse I’ve been through this year, (I’ve posted about what he’s done already) I really can’t take having financial stresses, it’s bad enough as it is, but him trying to game the system just makes it worse.

They are correct in that you deliberately accessing his private emails & looking for this info is illegal OP, and it’s also pointless because you can’t legally use it anyway.

Yes I know that. I’m not going to use it apart from for my own knowledge to and prepare myself for how to respond when he does actually propose it.

As for the affair proof, well the weeks on end of lies, blatantly sneaky and downright suspicious behaviour, gaslighting, emotional manipulation and being dragged round on holiday for 2 weeks knowing I was constantly being lied to turned me into a desperate shell of a woman who was being made to feel mad. It near broke me.

It’s not illegal if it’s on the family ipad & shared Cloud - don’t let them bully you Op. You’ve done nothing wrong & you now have the proof you need. They’re running scared - make use of that. Find your backbone Op & get angry.