Dating after divorce

[Norm82]

I seperated from the ex about 18 months ago and he’s always been vocal about not wanting me to date anyone else and that he’d ‘beat the crap out of them’ if I ever met anyone.

I was dropping my daughter off today and I was talking to him (we get on quite well still) and my daughter (11) thought I’d got a boyfriend and she was hysterical at the thought of it. Ex said, ‘don’t worry if she was dating someone I’d beat them up’.

im 42 and although I haven’t met anyone yet I don’t wanna be on my own forever. I feel sad that anyone I may meet in the future will be scared off and my kids (11 & 8) will hate me. I left because my ex was quite controlling and I feel like not much has changed.

What would you do?

Were you and ex married?

I was dropping my daughter off today and I was talking to him (we get on quite well still) and my daughter (11) thought I’d got a boyfriend and she was hysterical at the thought of it.

from you talking to your ex your 11 year old got hysterical thinking you’d got a boyfriend?

that he’d ‘beat the crap out of them’ if I ever met anyone.

and you are on amiable terms? Your version of amicable is very different to mine

Yes we are still married, we haven’t sorted the divorce part out yet

I know, it sounds a bit ridiculous now you’ve said that back to me. He seems nice enough and we get along but he definitely doesn’t want me seeing anyone else

Yes, I’ve no idea where she got it from, maybe she’s thinking it’s been a while. I dunno? I just don’t wanna ruin everyone’s lives if I meet someone in the future

I’d date as much as I wanted to. It’s absolutely nothing to do with your Ex what you do now. I’m sure he isn’t staying single.

Why does your DD think you have a boyfriend and why is she hysterical at the thought of it? I’d tell her if you do have a boyfriend it’s none of her business. She shouldn’t be meeting anyone you date anyway until it’s serious. Your Ex also shouldn't be saying anything about beating up anyone to you, her or anyone. He sounds vile.

I’d be keeping conversations with your Ex short and sweet, how can you ‘get on well’ if he’s using threatening language in front of your DD? You’ve made him an Ex for a reason. Move on with your life and ignore his threats.

You won’t
but just cross that bridge when it comes to it
and keep your distance from your insane sounding ex

Well I’d be focussing on that op

The problem is he is very single and has said he has no intention of dating anyone. It would do me a massive favour if he did.

should I sit down with her and explain that although I’m not dating right now, if I decide to in the future that’s my decision?

He comes across nice towards me but I guess I’m being delusional aren’t I?

Fgs no

just sit down with him and talk about the bloody divorce!!

Sorry? He comes across as nice but he said he would “beat the crap” out of someone you’re dating and you left him because his controlling nature was unbearable

I don’t know what you’re being

aside from focussing on totally the wrong thing

Get the divorce sorted and only discuss childcare arrangements with this man. I think you're giving mixed signals.

Yes. The whole thing isn’t right is it? I was with him so long I’m not sure what’s ok and what’s not really.

Thank you. That’s a fair point regarding the mixed signals. I’m trying to stay friendly/amicable so it’s not difficult for the kids but inadvertently maybe making it sll
worse

First off you will not be ruining anyone’s life by dating. The separation may feel a bit raw in your children’s eyes but you dating has nothing to do with them - now introducing a new partner in to your children’s lives is something completely different but you aren’t taking about that now.
I don’t believe your ex will never date anyone, but even if not that’s irrelevant.
Get your divorce done. Limit your own contact with your ex to purely about the children.
When the time comes you do feel ready to date you sit your kids down and explain that you will be dating but it’s just casual at the moment and you aren’t looking to replace their father but you have your own life to lead, and it’s not their father’s concern either.

Does that make a difference?

Stop being friends with someone that thinks they have any say in how you live your life any more, interact about the DC only and get the divorce sorted. There is no need to mention potential dates to your DC until there is something she needs to know. I would also be making it clear to him that he has no say in what you do now. What was the point of ending it if he is still controlling you?

Because getting divorced should be the OP’s priority and what she should be chatting to her ex about

Sort the divorce. That is a natural progression and puts a boundary in place for ex and the kids.
I wouldn't discuss dating with anyone. Date when you want to. When you meet someone that is serious and been dating a while, then have the conversations with your children. Your ex only needs to know when the new man is going to meet the kids. Which wouldn't be for ages yet.
You're still letting him control you. It is hard though as that was your norm for so long.

I think you need to work on yourself. You need to build your self-esteem and work on recognising abuse and controlling behaviour in relationships. Maybe the freedom programme would be helpful.

He is " joking" about beating up your future partners as a means to control and intimidate you because he thinks you belong to him. Divorce his arse ASAP.

Once you're divorced, date who you want. It's your life. You're not going to stay single forever because he doesn't like it. I'd tell your daughter that you aren't dating anyone at the moment and you would let her know if anyone special comes along in the future but for now she doesn't need to worry about it.

I don't really see the relevance. People shouldn't put their lives on hold until they have the decree absolute.

Thank you so much