Dating after divorce

[Norm82]

I seperated from the ex about 18 months ago and he’s always been vocal about not wanting me to date anyone else and that he’d ‘beat the crap out of them’ if I ever met anyone.

I was dropping my daughter off today and I was talking to him (we get on quite well still) and my daughter (11) thought I’d got a boyfriend and she was hysterical at the thought of it. Ex said, ‘don’t worry if she was dating someone I’d beat them up’.

im 42 and although I haven’t met anyone yet I don’t wanna be on my own forever. I feel sad that anyone I may meet in the future will be scared off and my kids (11 & 8) will hate me. I left because my ex was quite controlling and I feel like not much has changed.

What would you do?

So you don’t think a divorce in this scenario would make it clear to the ex that it is over and provide a very clear boundary for the children that it’s over.

rather than mulling over sitting down with ex and discussing her future dating plans, I do see actually see formalising the end of this marriage to a controlling violent dick as being the priority.

Well that’s what’s making me sad, I left, went through all that and I still don’t feel like I have my freedom. Thank you

You will do when you are divorced
and receiving CM via CMS (please e say you already are?!)
and a formal child arrangement plan is in place

I think the ex is an adult and can understand the concept, and the children shouldn't be involved in the technicalities.

Divorce or no divorce the principles are the same.

I think you need to get the divorce sorted ASAP and get that bloke right out of your life as fast and as far as you possibly can (not withstanding the fact you'll have to see for child handovers etc). You've split up. He has no say in whom you meet going forward. Just my two penneth.

I think you’re overestimating this ex!

thankfully in the minority though

Says someone who has never divorced let me guess

A piece of paper isn't going to change his behaviour, divorce isn't magic. If he behaves like this now he'll behave like it after.

That's an arrogant bet

But I am correct

only someone who has not been married and divorced would think it was “only a piece of paper”

Thanks for letting the world know that's how everyone should think about such things. What would we do without you?

Your circumstances and your feelings are your own.

Oh don’t be so hyperbolic 😆

I would talk to her about why she’s got herself so worked up about the idea of you dating. It’s most likely that she’s concerned her parents have split and if you’re dating that means you’re not getting back together. She’s too young to understand the reasons why you’ve split but what you can do is make it very clear that you and her dad aren’t getting back together and that any dates you do have (in the future) will ever come between you and her.

You need to address all her worries. She may be worried you’re going to move a strange man into her home. She may be worried about having to share her bedroom with a step sister. She may be worried she’s not going to see much of her dad. All very valid worries. Talk to her and help her process what’s happening. Her whole world is being rocked. She needs reassurance that you’re putting her first.

You will be able to date in the future and when dates do happen you don’t need to tell her anything until it’s serious.

But first things first… get divorced and only talk to your Ex about the children. Nothing else.

Why not? It's a perfectly valid device to use to highlight when someone's being a twit.

That's you, in case that wasn't clear.

Knock yourself out then… hyperbole and dramatics! Looking forward to spectating!

The fact that he stated a violent threat about someone to your daughter as way of reassurance and she took it as reassurance is the most the chilling thing here. This is coercive control. It is a form of abuse. The threat and coercion is against you. And your daughter is learning to accept violence and threats from her father and men in general.

You are going to need support to end this relationship and to protect your children from the influence and control of this man.

It is a basic human right to decide who you have a relationship with. Neither your ex or your children get to dictate that part of your life. Or anyone else for that matter. Your daughter needs to learn she can’t dictate or control other people’s choices.

The starting point is to explain that there is nothing for her or her brother to fear from you or your ex finding a new partner. For you part you just need to assure them they will be safe. I would like to say you should reassure her that she can see their father but I’m not sure that is a good idea.

Then help them manage any fear or worries they have without resorting to tantrums and threats of violence. What she did and what he father said were not good things.

It’s not of his business what you do if you are separated. He cannot control you this way and if it continues consider reporting him to the police for domestic abuse. You deserve to be happy. Simply

Op, have you progressed the divorce yet? This needs to be your focus as once you start divorce discussions, he will see that there’s no hope and that you are serious - so easy up the twatty controlling re who you date (and sadly Chanel that twattiness into making the divorce difficult, but will be worth it!)