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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Telling teens / waiting

26 replies

Wolbutter · 01/04/2025 08:11

Just looking for opinions.. it's been 2 weeks since DH said he wants to separate because he doesn't feel in love with me and we've become just partners.

DD has her yr 12 exams just after the holidays, she's really hard working and takes school very seriously - the exams are a big deal to her because she needs good predicted grades for uni application in the autumn .

We have talked about waiting til after her exams to tell them (DD 17 and DS about to be 15) - it was my idea.

I'm really struggling now though, living in the house with him and acting as normal in front of the kids.

I'm wondering if it would be better to tell them now with the holiday coming up.

I'm also really struggling with putting off family who want to visit over Easter, joint friends trying to organise things. I feel like I'm just lying to everyone

OP posts:
Inthedeep · 01/04/2025 11:01

This is such a hard situation, I’m so sorry. I think it depends how badly affected you think your daughter is going to be by the news.

Have you and your husband decided living arrangements going forward? Will one of you be staying in the family home? What’s the plan on the children’s living arrangements? I think you and your husband need to have a plan figured out for what things will look like for the children once you’ve split.

If you’ve figured out living arrangements and if you think your daughter will cope okay with the news I’d tell them now. It must be incredibly hard for you keeping up appearances, especially with him still being in the house.

boulevardofbrokendreamss · 01/04/2025 11:20

Tell them. They’ll likely have figured it out anyway

Original poster
Wolbutter · 01/04/2025 16:43

I just feel so sick at the thought of it but sick at carrying on and holding it all in.

I think she will be really upset, I think (hope) she'll be able to carry on studying. I think her little brother is going to be completely gutted. I really don't think they have any idea.

We haven't made a plan except that I am staying in the house with them. He doesn't have a plan to move anywhere yet but he will have to. We can afford rent for him. I haven't thought about kids living arrangements further than that because I think it's largely down to what they want.

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Inthedeep · 01/04/2025 17:01

I think it would be a good idea to speak to your husband about his living arrangements going forward, it’s something the children will want to know and it will be good to have an answer for them. He doesn’t have to have already rented somewhere, however it’s a good idea to have a rough timeline you can give them.

When does he want to tell them? Have you explained to him how hard you are finding it keeping it a secret? Is he aware how hard your son in particular is going to take the news and that your son is probably going to need some extra support? It might even be worth having some family counselling or at least the option of counselling for your son just to help process things.

Original poster
Wolbutter · 03/04/2025 08:19

Thanks so much for the replies.. I think we will have to tell them this weekend. He is currently sleeping in the spare room - going in there while they are watching TV or in their rooms and getting up before them, spent last weekend with his mum . It's horrible. I have to text him to talk about things because we're working or the kids are around.

Also I think we need to tell them because I am struggling with the lies or the omissions, feel like I'm hiding from my family and friends. Although I'm absolutely dreading telling my parents, my mum in particular. Same thing happened to her (different circumstances but similar) with my Dad and she has been alone since then. She's really strong but has always grieved the big extended family she wanted.

I don't know if I'm rushing this or it's best to get on with it. I don't know what he wants, he's thinking about it today

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Surreyblah · 03/04/2025 08:25

Very sorry your H has done this. Awful, selfish timing.

i have a DC of the same age as your eldest.

In your shoes I’d be meeting your H outside the home and asking him to work hard to cover this up for a few more weeks, until her exams are completed, for her sake, In the meantime i would tell any trustworthy friends to get support, get legal advice etc. Then tell them and progress the separation and divorce.

Surreyblah · 03/04/2025 08:25

I wouldn’t tell my mum until after telling the DC.

Original poster
Wolbutter · 03/04/2025 08:30

Thanks so much for the considerate and kind replies @Surreyblah ... this feels like my quandary. We have both agreed not to tell any family members until we tell the DC. I've told two lovely friends, one who I'm very close to and she is being amazing.

Solicitor next week I think, but I'm not sure where to start. Although it's only been a few weeks since he told me I don't think it's going to stop.

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Inthedeep · 04/04/2025 18:48

Hi @Wolbutter, how are you doing today? Have you come to a decision about when to tell the children? Xx

Original poster
Wolbutter · 04/04/2025 20:39

Ugh... feel absolutely horrible tonight, combination of other bad news in extended family and feeling like an axe is about to fall.

He/we is going to tell them this weekend I think. I might be mad but I need to push through this as I'm really struggling to keep it to myself. I need to talk to my friends and I can't keep hiding from my mum and other family members.

I don't get how he has rushed to the end so quickly, but the fact he has is making me never want to set eyes on him ever again. Then in the next thought I can't believe our future all together is gone and I feel absolutely sick.

OP posts:
Goinggold · 04/04/2025 20:44

He needs to go on a 'work trip' until after DD's exams. He seems very self centred for choosing this moment to split.

pengwing · 04/04/2025 20:58

If it were me, I’d grit my teeth, slap a smile on my face and leave it until after her exams. I agree with pp can dh go on a work trip for a bit?

Inthedeep · 05/04/2025 07:03

I’m saying this gently, but maybe the fact he’s now rushing this is because he’s had his head turned elsewhere and wants to move on. Has he made a plan for moving out?

I really hope telling the children goes as smoothly as it can given the situation and that you can start getting some real support. Have you got counselling for yourself?

Original poster
Wolbutter · 05/04/2025 07:46

Thank you so much - I don't have a lot of support yet, I'm searching through counsellors at the moment and wondering about better help.

I wonder if he is thinking about someone else - or has seen the possibility - I don't think he's seeing anyone now but who knows, I don't know if it could feel worse anyway.

He says he has thought about it for a long time. Apart from worrying about the kids this is the worst thjng. I feel pathetic

OP posts:
Inthedeep · 05/04/2025 08:16

Wolbutter · 05/04/2025 07:46

Thank you so much - I don't have a lot of support yet, I'm searching through counsellors at the moment and wondering about better help.

I wonder if he is thinking about someone else - or has seen the possibility - I don't think he's seeing anyone now but who knows, I don't know if it could feel worse anyway.

He says he has thought about it for a long time. Apart from worrying about the kids this is the worst thjng. I feel pathetic

You are not pathetic, he should have brought it up to you when he first started to feel like this, that way you had an opportunity to work on things together to see if things could be improved. How he’s gone about this is very unfair, especially at such a critical time for the children education wise. The kinder and fairer thing to do would have been to try and work with you on improving the marriage, if that didn’t work or if he really didn’t feel it was salvageable stayed until after the children finished schooling. Doing it during A-level and GCSE period (I know not the actual years sitting the exams) is incredibly disruptive for the children and shows he really hasn’t thought about them at all.

Inthedeep · 05/04/2025 08:18

Also for your sake I really hope he takes ownership ship of the situation and doesn’t try and brush it off as a joint decision.

Surreyblah · 05/04/2025 08:29

Have you asked him to wait a few weeks? What a shitty thing to bounce you and the DC into.

It sounds like ‘the script’ . Do see your solicitor and make a plan for yourself.

Don’t pretend it’s a joint decision.

Original poster
Wolbutter · 05/04/2025 08:57

It's the way he didn't try to work on things that has absolutely blindsided me, it really isn't the way I thought he'd go about things.

As for waiting a few weeks we talked about that but I am really struggling to keep up the pretence, I feel completely wired and ill. All my family and friends are trying to make plans for Easter and I can't keep putting everyone off and lying and I can't even look my mum in the eye at the moment.

Pretty much as soon as DD finishes her exams it's DS's birthday, then his end of years ... feels like there would never be a good time. At least now they have a couple of weeks without school

OP posts:
Inthedeep · 05/04/2025 09:15

Have you two actually managed to sit down and have a proper talk about this face to face? I know you’ve said previously that most communication has been via text due to work or the children being around. If not, the children are old enough to be left for the day or even the weekend, go out and talk privately face to face. Tell him how disappointed and upset you are with the way he’s approached this and how he’s blindsided you, without giving you the opportunity to work on things together and see if they can improve. Also ask him if he’s properly looked into how teenagers at this stage of life are likely to be affected by divorce and the long term consequences of this potentially for them. I really think due to the timing of the split it’s important to have some counselling lined up for the children if they need it.

Also they need to know this is his decision, it’s not fair on you for them to think it was joint. They are old enough to be given some semblance of the truth and it’s not right to play this as a joint decision. He has to take the blame for his actions.

BeGiddyDog · 05/04/2025 09:24

This is such a hard situation, have been there myself. However, a lot of your post is about how you are feeling, and that you will feel better by telling them pre-exams. I would encourage you to rethink, and wait until after your daughter's exams. My daughter blamed me for ruining her chances at doing well in GCSE's, because of the timing of the separation. I think you need to play the long game, wait until after exams, then they have the summer holiday to adjust.

minnienono · 05/04/2025 09:53

We told the dc after a couple of weeks, similar time of year. They were nonplussed and dd2 said it should have happened years ago. Dc are more perceptive than you realise by later teens

dizzydizzydizzy · 05/04/2025 13:33

I took my DCs out to lunch to tell them I was moving out of the family home. They were 18 and 20 at the time. DC1 was most upset and I thought it would be the other way round. 2 years on and all is much better on the whole. I do miss family life, especially when there are special occasions like birthdays but it was for the best because I was in a domestic abuse situation.

DC1 certainly knew at age 6 that things weren't right. I remember them saying to our friends "daddy shouts at mummy and she doesn't like it"-

Surreyblah · 06/04/2025 08:34

Appreciate you must be feeling shitty but the year 12 exams after easter are a big deal. It’s unlikely to be better for her to find out now than after.

The birthday and younger DC’s exams are by the by.

Inthedeep · 10/04/2025 09:17

How are things going @Wolbutter? Did you speak to the children at the weekend?

Original poster
Wolbutter · 11/04/2025 07:24

Thanks @Inthedeep .. yes he told them and as any of us could have told him they are both really upset. DD is more angry - she is a quiet person but is just avoiding him. DS is very sad when he talks about I. However and thankfully they are still happy most of the time and with their friends. It also means I've been able to tell my family and closest friends which has been awful but a real relief.

Now it's just grindingly miserable. He's still here, we're not arguing but tiptoeing around. He's got no plan apparently and I don't know whether to force it and make him leave asap or if it's better for the kids if he goes in a few weeks

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