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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Co-parenting- do I need to tell the ex husband somebody is helping on school run?

35 replies

Baffers100 · 09/01/2025 09:31

Essentially, I am away for five days this year on a work trip overseas (sounds better than it is, trust me).

Officially divorced in December, moved out same sort of time. Kids are 50/50 between both parents homes.

When I am away, my partner has offered to do the school runs so he can help me out.
The ex-husband knows about my partner, the kids know him and love him too, it's not a 'new' relationship.

Do I need to tell the kids dad that I am away and that somebody else is helping on school runs?
My partner isn't their legal guardian of course.

I think I probably should do, but I am anticipating my EH being an arse because that's his thing, and this being something I get grief over. I also don't want to suggest he has the kids that week and I pay for the additional wrap around care because I am sort of in his debt and I know that will come to bite me in the butt sooner or later too.

OP posts:
InkHeart2024 · 09/01/2025 09:36

Is your partner caring for them or just doing the school run? Who is caring for them? Technically you don't have to tell your ex anything about arrangements during your time but I think if you're leaving them with your partner for a number of days you should give their father the option to have them. If it's just school runs then no.

Original poster
Baffers100 · 09/01/2025 10:17

@InkHeart2024 no he's caring for them- staying here to help get them ready for school in the mornings, sorting breakfast and dinner out etc.

OP posts:
sunflowersngunpowdr · 09/01/2025 14:14

I don't think you have to tell him but providing he is a good and loving father - perhaps your kids would prefer to have a bit of extra time with him?

ZekeZeke · 09/01/2025 14:18

How long are you with your partner?

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 09/01/2025 14:28

I would tell him the arrangements. If it goes tit's up in any way and he needs to step in as other parent, it's good he's on notice.

BaronessEllarawrosaurus · 09/01/2025 14:31

What's the wording on the child arrangement order for when either parent is unavailable.

NorthernSpirit · 09/01/2025 16:31

I would give the dad the option of looking after the kids while you are away for the 5 days.

Surely the kids would prefer to be with their dad for that length of time rather than mums boyfriend who doesn’t even live with them?

OhBling · 09/01/2025 16:34

So who is looking after them overnight?

Although having said that, if it is your time with the DC, your ex doesn't really get a say although I think there's an annoyingly compelling argument that if you're away for a week, it would be better for the DC to be with a parent than anyone else.

So, if you have a pleasant co-parenting relationship you could mention it and ask if he wants to swap weeks, for example. But if he's just an ass, I wouldn't bother and if he kicks off when he finds out about it, just say that you had appropriate childcare in place.

ShinyShona · 09/01/2025 17:31

Well, one of the following is going to happen:

  1. You are going to tell your ex;
  2. He will find out anyway through the children and wonder why you didn't tell him;
  3. You ask the children not to tell him and put them in a horrible situation.

I'm assuming you are not even contemplating 3) in which case 1) is probably better than 2).

AltitudeCheck · 09/01/2025 17:36

How old are the kids? Are you away for 5 consecutive nights or is this 5 nights spread through the year?

How would you feel if your OH was away and had someone else sleeping over in his house and in sole charge of the kids for 5 days/ nights while he was away?

purpleme12 · 09/01/2025 17:36

I think it's wrong to have the partner look after the children and not ask the dad to.

Different if you've asked the dad and he's said no, but I think you would have said if that's the case

Livinghappy · 09/01/2025 17:41

How old are the children?

Please consider PR, if you are out of the country and your Ex is unaware then there is the potential for no parent being close, with PR, to deal with any medical issues. Of course it may not happen BUT I would not take the risk.

Also I don't think it's reasonable to have a non related adult taking sole care for children for such an extended time. The younger the children would makes it more unreasonable, especially if they need supervision for showers etc.

wsdr · 09/01/2025 18:48

Who is looking after your children whilst you are away?

I would expect you to ask their father first

SleepPrettyDarling · 09/01/2025 18:52

I agree with previous posters; if you are out of the country, Dad should know, and have first option on having the children, unless there is some practical barrier (distance from school, shift pattern).

WhiskyTangoFoxtrot · 09/01/2025 19:04

I think you should tell him, ask him if he able to swop weeks, but also tell him that it's no biggie if he can't rearrange his diary to have them (completely or in part) you've got it covered.

ErinAoife · 09/01/2025 19:04

I will always ask the father of my kids if I am away before looking for alternative arrangements if he will take them and I expect him to do same.

littleluncheon · 09/01/2025 19:09

Who is actually looking after the kids?

There's a big difference between 'helping on the school run' and caring for children overnight for 5 days?

berksandbeyond · 09/01/2025 19:10

You only moved out last month and you've got a new partner who is looking your kids? Wild

purpleme12 · 09/01/2025 19:16

littleluncheon · 09/01/2025 19:09

Who is actually looking after the kids?

There's a big difference between 'helping on the school run' and caring for children overnight for 5 days?

Op's second post makes it sounds like the partner is also looking after them so not just school run

speedling · 09/01/2025 19:22

100% you should ask their dad if he can have them.

How old are the children?

Doesn't seem ideal to have your new partner staying over with them on his own, doing the school run.

Was it his suggestion?

littletesco · 10/01/2025 08:53

As you were advised above, you will need to tell your ex because of PR in case of any medical care the children may need

crumpet · 10/01/2025 08:56

Rather than present it as a debt you owe your ex, you could present as a bonus treat: “I’m away for 5 days. Have all cover sorted, the kids will be well looked after etc, but if you fancy having them as a bonus, then just let me know and I’d be happy to help make this happen for you”

crumpet · 10/01/2025 08:58

Missed the bit about how recent the move was. In that case I’d reconsider- your ex should definitely be asked. Your kids have already had a lot of change, and continuity is better for them.

HPandthelastwish · 10/01/2025 08:59

Largely depends on wording on legal paperwork and any need to offer first refusal.

For a ad-hoc one da trip Id say the partner is fine.

For 5 days though, if there is apart available and willing the tha iswo they should be with.

Your children live your partner which is great. But has your partner ever had to look after them alone for any real length of time? That is quite different to having a good rapport with them when you are around. Or does he have other prior experience of looking after children as a teacher/ sports coach / scout leader?

Tisthedamnseason · 10/01/2025 09:01

Baffers100 · 09/01/2025 10:17

@InkHeart2024 no he's caring for them- staying here to help get them ready for school in the mornings, sorting breakfast and dinner out etc.

So he's staying in your house while you're away?

I'd tell him, even if just from a pov of knowing who he should contact in an emergency. I imagine if he went away, you'd want to know who was looking after the children.

You've phrased the OP/title strangely as it sounds like it's a lot more than helping with the school run.