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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

divorce, separation and child maintenance payments

32 replies

pepsielliot · 18/06/2023 06:52

Experienced Mums here question - what do you think about men who keep children during separation and after divorce? This is so that they don't have to pay maintenance, right?
Why would they not want to pay maintenance to their ex? Are they worried she will not feed and clothe their child?
What is the mentality of those guys?

OP posts:
SpringOn · 18/06/2023 07:04

I don’t agree with you. There are many reasons that the dad might have the children instead of the mum. she might not be able to care for them, it might be more convenient for both of them for him to be the main carer for a while, for example if she is working and he is not.

CornishGem1975 · 18/06/2023 07:07

Maybe they just really love and care about their children and want to have equal access to them Confused

HunterHearstHelmsley · 18/06/2023 07:12

Maybe in some cases but it's generally because they want their children with them.

Do Mums keep the children so that they don't have to pay maintenance?

Thequeenofwishfulthinking · 18/06/2023 07:20

There will be a small minority of men who keep the children for that particular reason. I know of women who have walked out on their family, men who choose to see their children rarely or at all and a man who had to keep their children as the mother was unfit.
There are lots of men (and women) who agree to share the children 50/50. They dont realise the financial implications as if the child benefit etc is in their exes name they get nothing towards the time they have the children.
I know of women who use their children and keep having children so they don’t have to work at all.

lunar1 · 18/06/2023 07:41

Maybe they are just the best person to be the resident parent for whatever reason.

Yea2023 · 18/06/2023 07:50

Why are you asking, what’s the context?

they’d be foolish to keep the kids to avoid maintenance, the monthly payment is probably cheaper than child day to day costs…

millymollymoomoo · 18/06/2023 08:22

Why do mums always insist on keeping the children or not 59:60? It’s so they get more maintenance right? What is their mentality !

LemonTT · 18/06/2023 08:33

Shared care usually reflects loving parents who are emotionally mature and where circumstances allow for the practicalities.

a father given primary resident care is usually because the children choose it or the courts have decided it’s in their best interests.

Given that most people complain child support doesn’t cover the cost of being the resident parent it’s not financial.

TealSapphire · 18/06/2023 08:41

IMO the most pressing concern for a lot of men post separation is paying as little child support as possible.

Then there's the men who take the children away from their mother. Usually to punish and inflict as much pain as possible on her.

millymollymoomoo · 18/06/2023 08:58

This thread is terrible! Yes there are some men who try to pay as little as possible

there are also many women who try to get as much money from their ex as possible, restrict access and make it difficult for dad to see dc, refuse 50:50 fir no other reason than they’ll miss their child, refuse to work while trying to claim more and more…. See that a lot of the time yet thats always ‘in the best Interest’ of DC.

what a load of BS

aSofaNearYou · 18/06/2023 08:59

What a weird thing to say. Why would the most obvious answer not be because they want to live with their children?

Plankingplanks · 18/06/2023 09:00

My ex currently has our children full time and I have them one night a week and every other weekend. For 8 years I had them full time and he had them the same as I do now.

The reason for the change is that we wanted to move the children out of the shitty school they were in so he applied for a school close to him.

We have never paid each other maintenance or child support. Whoever has the kids is responsible for feeding them, both of us share big purchases and clothes. It just work for us.

We also spend time in each others houses and our families socialise together. So maybe we are not your normal bitter ex partners.

FloweryName · 18/06/2023 09:06

There will be men that go for 50/50 purely out of spite and to avoid paying maintenance, but I believe they’re the minority and no different to the mothers that use their children to spite the ex.

Most men will want to maintain their relationship with their children as best they can, and rightly so.

We need to get away from the default of the mother automatically keeping the house, children and being given maintenance.

StopFeckingFaffing · 18/06/2023 09:06

When you say "keep their children" I am not sure if you are referring to being the resident parent or having 50:50 but I would not automatically assume that I Dad who has joint or sole custody of his DC is doing it purely to avoid paying maintenance to the Mum

I'm sure that is the motivation for some Dads but not the majority

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 18/06/2023 09:08

Why don't you think men can love their children as much as women? Which is basically what you're saying. If it's 50/50, no one should be paying maintenance.

Usernamenotavailab · 18/06/2023 09:09

TealSapphire · 18/06/2023 08:41

IMO the most pressing concern for a lot of men post separation is paying as little child support as possible.

Then there's the men who take the children away from their mother. Usually to punish and inflict as much pain as possible on her.

Applies to women too.

SD wanted to switch schools for 6th form, walking distance from our house, so she would have moved in with us during the week.

The immediate reaction was ”I’m not paying to have my daughter taken away from me”. Not a thought to that’s exactly what her dad had been doing for the past 15 years.

she put so much emotional pressure on the kid about how she needed her at home, would miss her, dad just wanted the money etc etc that she gave up her plans, went to a much worse school an hour away and two buses from her house.

Reugny · 18/06/2023 09:12

lunar1 · 18/06/2023 07:41

Maybe they are just the best person to be the resident parent for whatever reason.

There are unfortunately some people like the starter of this thread who don't realise terrible parents can be of either sex.

CornishGem1975 · 18/06/2023 09:19

Then there's the men who take the children away from their mother. Usually to punish and inflict as much pain as possible on her.

In my experience, that's an act that is usually carried out by a woman, not a man. The amount of women I've seen use their children as weapons to hurt a man is off the scale.

Reugny · 18/06/2023 09:21

Plankingplanks · 18/06/2023 09:00

My ex currently has our children full time and I have them one night a week and every other weekend. For 8 years I had them full time and he had them the same as I do now.

The reason for the change is that we wanted to move the children out of the shitty school they were in so he applied for a school close to him.

We have never paid each other maintenance or child support. Whoever has the kids is responsible for feeding them, both of us share big purchases and clothes. It just work for us.

We also spend time in each others houses and our families socialise together. So maybe we are not your normal bitter ex partners.

I know cases like yours including a couple of cases where one or more of the DC have SEN.

If the LA were the dad lives has better SEN provision or SEN provision that meets the DC needs then the the DC end up mainly living with him.

bumblebee2235 · 18/06/2023 09:22

Thequeenofwishfulthinking · 18/06/2023 07:20

There will be a small minority of men who keep the children for that particular reason. I know of women who have walked out on their family, men who choose to see their children rarely or at all and a man who had to keep their children as the mother was unfit.
There are lots of men (and women) who agree to share the children 50/50. They dont realise the financial implications as if the child benefit etc is in their exes name they get nothing towards the time they have the children.
I know of women who use their children and keep having children so they don’t have to work at all.

Honestly I agree, a small number. As if they end up caring all the time or be main career they'll soon realise the payment for maintenance is a cheaper and easier option. I've only met men who have 50/50 when they really love their children and miss not being around them. Generally the men that don't care will do what they can to have lowest amount of maintenance... I've seen some even quit work and go on benefits to dodge it, which makes their quality of life worse so I'm guessing it's purely to hurt the ex.

EVliving · 18/06/2023 15:06

I have a friend who is a man, he has his children full time. The mother could have them but she is in a abusive relationship and she has chosen her new partner over her children. The children and my friend would love them to stay over with the mother but she wont have it. I guess bring controlled.

hattyhathat · 18/06/2023 15:09

what do you think about men who keep children during separation and after divorce? This is so that they don't have to pay maintenance, right? what do you mean by "keep" as in they go for 50/50 or more? Seems fair enough and I'd assume its because they want to see their kids!

Gymmum82 · 18/06/2023 15:10

I actually think it’s more common for women to try and stop a 50/50 arrangement so men have to pay maintenance than men trying to force it the other way around.
There May be a minority that do but I think many dads actually want to be an active parent in their child’s life and are doing a good job at it

BoohooWoohoo · 18/06/2023 15:12

There are men who did 50% of the housework and childcare plus have flexible working so should rightly have 50% shared care. It is strange when men who never did the childcare and housework want 50% care but it's a good opportunity for them to find out what doing it is like.

DrMarciaFieldstone · 18/06/2023 15:14

I don’t understand why some women still seem to think their children are primarily theirs, and that they should decide how much fathers can see them.