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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

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Original poster

Ex refusal to see kids

27 replies

J1986 · 09/04/2018 20:05

My ex husband has decided he wants to take me to court to see the kids (6&10) the problem with that is he won't see them anyway!?!? I have been trying and asking everyday for him to see them whether it be just for tea or a stay over and he always says no, he tells me he has been advised that whilst he's waiting to take me to court to gain access (which has never been denied) he is not to see them at all!?!? He says he misses them and loves them but he won't have them until it's sorted. This has been going on for nearly 6 months now and the kids are missing him. Ive bought my son a mobile so he can keep contact but he even ignores them calls from him 90% of the time. I am booked in for family mediation this week but I don't know what to do in the meantime? How do i tell the kids without breaking their hearts? Totally stuck

OP posts:

MsGameandWatching · 09/04/2018 20:07

I think he's doing this so he can stand up in court and say that he hasn't seen his kids in six months with the implication being that YOU are withholding them. He's trying to make trouble for the, the sneaky twat. I would keep a stringent email and message trail of all the times you offer so that you can refute his claims.

larrygrylls · 09/04/2018 20:09

Agreed,

However I think the court will use the judgment of Solomon.

Anyone who is prepared to abandon their kids for 6 months to score a point is not really a parent at all.

RandomMess · 09/04/2018 20:10

He is busy playing the victim and loving every minute of it...

He is lying to everyone about the situation and them lap it up when he "wins" in court. He also doesn't want to "help" you by parenting his own DC so you can actually have a social life!

lunar1 · 09/04/2018 20:10

Keep every text/email sent and received. Get as much proof as you can that it's him not you.

larrygrylls · 09/04/2018 20:14

What is the actual dispute about?

What are you offering him and what does he want?

Ignoring his own children is inexcusable, though, regardless of whether he feels hard done by.

BlueSkyandSunshineToday · 09/04/2018 20:17

OP - tell the mediator what you've written here and your Ex will get short shrift from the mediator - likely highlighting the damage being done to the DCs.

Arse.

Walkingdeadfangirl · 09/04/2018 20:37

How much contact is he requesting in court? It could be that the type of contact you are offering now is not what he wants/feels is fair. And if he does see them under your terms then it creates a pattern that can be viewed by the court as the status quo.

So it might be the only way that he will get fair contact rather than just the status quo, which you are currently offering.

Cupoteap · 09/04/2018 21:07

Court expect you to resolve issues at mediation- how do you think he will get out of this one?

Original poster

J1986 · 09/04/2018 21:47

The offers are daily so during school holidays I offer either a stay over or go for tea when he finishes work with me taking them and picking them up or when it's back to school like today I said they are now back in school so you can have them either Friday stay over or Saturday for the afternoon or stay over or all, whichever suits. I'm just wanting to have a relationship with them but I know they can't stay over during the week because he has work but surely an evening they could go for tea? He only lives a 5 min drive away so can't see it being a problem x

OP posts:

Original poster

J1986 · 09/04/2018 21:54

Ideally if I have to put into stone then I would ask for fair share during school holidays if possible because of his job I understand that might be difficult and also if he could have them every other Saturday overnight so I can go to work and not have to leave the kids with my partner (who is amazing and has them for me without question so I can work). Just for them to see them really and have a proper relationship with them for their sake so they feel wanted and loved by both parents regardless what's happened. Am i asking too much?

OP posts:

Walkingdeadfangirl · 09/04/2018 22:20

NO what you are asking is perfectly reasonable. But what is he wanting? Does he want 50:50?

Original poster

J1986 · 10/04/2018 14:18

He tells people that he wants them full time but he struggles with having them longer than a single night because he has no room at his flat. All he wants to be honest is to try and make my life extreamly difficult because he hates that I'm doing better without him, he was very emotionally abusive and when I decided to leave him he and his family started spreading vicious rumours, called social service on me, tried taking me for every penny I had by stretching out the divorce as long as possible. I'm happy, ive moved on with a fantastic partner, finally got the job of my dreams and living a comfortable lifestyle and the kids are doing a thousand times better at school. If I was to stop him seeing them I would be lowering myself to his level and the kids would suffer. He doesn't like when I'm in control of things and I think it he takes me to court it would be his weird way of gaining back some form of control over me. He's very complicated and twisted.

OP posts:

Starlight2345 · 10/04/2018 14:25

I agree make offers in text email. I would email him . Stating you have been offering contact in a daily basis . I would say you are welcome to contact children through mobile I have bought or aarange to see them through me .
I wonder if he simply loves you chasing him to see the children

Original poster

J1986 · 10/04/2018 22:27

I have saved all the messages but it looks like he's even blocked our sons mobile now because his texts and calls won't go through? He's tried whatsapp and it says he can't reply to this person... He's heartbroken. I have also had a message telling me that any further contact from me and he will get the police involved 😣. All I'm doing is asking him to spend time with the kids but apparently that's harassment because I've text once a day every day saying would you like the kids this weekend. I'm just going to do what you lovely lot have said and save all the messages and take them with me to show I'm not the one wasting their time.

OP posts:

Starlight2345 · 10/04/2018 22:31

I went through my ex saying he was taking me to court about 7 years ago but was told that refusing contact offered was frowned on .

I would leave him to it as he will look stupid in court . I want contact
Why don’t you have contact now ?
I refused it and blocked any contact

spacecadet48 · 10/04/2018 22:44

J1986 I think it's fair to say you have tried for the sake of your DC. Your ex isn't interested and has now threatened to report you to the police for harassment. You have kept all the messages. So leave it now. Your ex has been very foolish by having NC with his DC and blocking his DS number. As part of any hearing your DC will be seen at their home by a court liaison officer (think that's what they are called) who will write a report. He hasn't helped his case at all as I am sure this information will be freely shared by your DS. They are very good at getting DC to chat freely.

Jojo2347 · 09/05/2018 22:53

My god your ex sounds like mine ! We have been separated a year and a couple of months ago I started dating - and now he refuses to have our dd10 overnight and insists on seeing her by coming to my house to visit! In his own words ‘he has a life now’ and he’s out every weekend! He won’t do overnights because he refuses “to babysit” DD10 whilst I go out! He has seen her about 2 times a month since Xmas and before that it was sporadic. He thinks he’s hurting me but he’s not all he’s doing is hurting her but that’s my fault because it was me that asked him to leave! I bought him it of the house 50:50 I get no maintenance and now he refuses to see our kids. DS15 doesn’t even get a look in! I don’t know why I expected more - he was an emotional and sometime physical abuser. My DD10 loves him unconditionally and wants to see him more but I get accused of trying to engineer visits so I can do “my own thing and I’m not thinking of our children at all! We are not divorced yet - can access be arranged at time of divorce that he has to adhere to?

HalfMyLife · 10/05/2018 11:59

@jojo2347 unfortunately no, nothing can be arranged that he HAS to adhere to. There's nothing you can do if he chooses not to see them - or to only see them when he feels like it.
My Ex has seen DS11 and DD6 approximately once a month since last June (he left last April) - DS11 has been having counselling to help him try and cope as he (quite rightly) feels abandoned by his dad. He gives me 4 days notice, and picks them up from school at 3pm and drops them back home at 6pm - so a total of 3 hours a month.
I've tried explaining to him the damage he's doing to the kids, and that they need to see him more often, but more importantly they need to know, when they say goodbye to him, when they'll see him again. He won't enter into any sort of discussion to sort out better arrangements, and there's nothing i can do...........
Sorry that's not the answer you want to hear - it's tough, it really is (I've recently started dating too, although ex doesn't know that) - and it's virtually impossible to arrange dates because i don't have any time to myself.
Huge hugs - you're not alone xx

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 10/05/2018 12:55

How do you tell the kids without breaking their hearts you ask? Well, the first step is to realise that their hearts are being broken now. In the absence of a clear statement from you that their dad is a game playing dick (in child friendly language) they will do what children always do: decide that they are not worthy of love and attention, that his failings are somehow their fault.

Right now, he gives so few shits about them that he won't see them and blocks numbers. Let's be realistic. He's never going to be a loving present father even if by some weird fluke the court enforces loads of contact.

The sooner you help the children to realise that it's him not them that's "wrong" the better chance they have of growing up with decent mental health.

Jojo2347 · 10/05/2018 12:56

thank you @halfmylife it is really tough and sounds like you are having the same experience as me. So disappointing that by trying to spite us they are ultimately affecting the children and they just don't see it :(

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 10/05/2018 13:13

They see it. They just don't care.

Selfish cunts are like that.

PurpleStarInCashmereSky · 10/05/2018 14:13

Have you had any mediation yet OP?

Original poster

J1986 · 10/05/2018 16:45

Thankyou for all your advice, since posting I have received a letter for court so he can see them. Ive had a few good and honest talks with both the kids and I'm absolutely gobsmacked at how well they understood the situation. On this letter it has his requests which are ridiculous, he's asking for me to walk the kids two nights a week four miles to a meeting point for him to collect them at 5.30 and I pick them up at 7.30. Also a week in August and every other weekend. No chance I'm having the kids do this on a school night they'll be shattered. Ex finishes work at one on Fridays so I'm going to ask he has them every Friday straight from school and has them over night until the Saturday 1pm and every other weekend Friday straight from school until Sunday at 6pm. I agree to the week in August but I hope he's not going to be crafty and do it mon-sun over his already set weekend. Again I feel like he doesn't want to have them too much as he sees it as he's doing me a favor or god forbid giving me a rest. I work hard and also a loving mum. My rest time is when I'm asleep 😂 at night 😂 in my bed 😂. I can rest regardless if I have my children or not at night providing one isn't poorly. I'm asking now does my request sound fair or am I pushing it

OP posts:

Soopermum1 · 10/05/2018 20:04

I feel for you, OP. My ex expects me to take the kids into a major city, hang around for a few hours, then take them home again. He hasn't seen DD in 2.5 months and counting. This is to stop me spending time with my boyfriend . I hope he bitterly regrets his decisions one day.

Original poster

J1986 · 10/05/2018 20:38

Yes it can at an extra expense and I just couldn't afford the extra couple of hundred pounds.

OP posts:

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