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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

She wants to split up joint mortgage with kids can I just buy her out?

36 replies

Runnerman · 15/02/2018 22:30

My partner has recently said she wants to split. We own the house jointly with a mortgage and have two kids who I adoŕe. I think I can afford to raise half the equity to give her. I would at least want the kids 50/50. She is just pt and so I'm not sure what's she going to do. I still want what's best for her but I want to keep the house for me and the stability of the kids. Any considerations? Could she stop me somehow?

OP posts:
ApacheEchidna · 15/02/2018 22:43

If she went part time as part of a mutual decision that she would cripple her long term earning power in order to look after the kids, then you owe her a lot more than half the equity in the house.

Original poster
Runnerman · 16/02/2018 02:59

Thank you for your response. How would I/we best establish what would be fair ? She was always in a fairly low paid job and said she didn't want a job where she took work home with her so was never interested in progressing etc. I was happy as I thought it would help the family. At present I don't know the main reason for the split is and just don't want to lose the kids and seems terrible if I'm forced to sell the house and disrupt the kids even more because of her decision.

OP posts:
Original poster
Runnerman · 16/02/2018 03:12

Also we bought the house a couple of years before kids and it was mainly down to my income why we could afford our house. So I wouldve thought his would impact on the equity entitlement. I don't want to be unfair at all just panicking about having my life totally turned upside down and want minimise the damage for me and the kids.

OP posts:
Battleax · 16/02/2018 03:27

Anecdotally, lots of women in her position seem to go for mesher orders. (This is my observation socially.)

If you want to keep the house, standard advice is to sit tight in it and do not move out for any reason.

The most constructive things you could try yourself, if you're not seeing a solicitor yet, are initiating mediation and making what you think is a reasonable offer. Are you hoping for a DIY solution or will you seek legal advice?

MattBerrysHair · 16/02/2018 03:58

If she works part time then I assume your dw is, and always has been, the primary carer of the dc. If you are able to raise the funds to buy her out then you are in a better financial position than her full stop, and better able to rehouse yourself than she is. Expecting her to leave the family home and get accommodation for her and the dc knowing that getting a mortgage on a part time salary is next to impossible rather unfair.

As for your dc's stability, staying in the family home with the person who looks after them most is what will keep them most stable.

When looking at how to split assets your dw contribution to the family is not less than yours just because it wasn't financial in nature. Courts will look at her role in the home and raising children as equal to yours as the main breadwinner. They usually start off from the basis that things will be divided 50/50. Then they take into account any children and who their primary carer is, then they look at earning capacity potential. The person with greater need will often get more than the other. I don't need to point out that your earning potential is much greater than your dw, and as she is primary carer her need to have suitable housing for the dc is likely to prevent you from just kicking her out.

Your need to talk to a solicitor. It's far too complicated for anyone on here to be able to say what will happen due to the vast number of variables in each case.

Original poster
Runnerman · 16/02/2018 05:08

Battleax- I hope diy. We are both friends and I hope we would be fair to each other.
Mattberryshair - I think you are right in terms of variables. BTW I'm in no way kicking her out. She just seemed to expect we would sell and split. Obvs this is quite a shock. I get the primary carer bit but I'm quite hands on and the kids are both in full time education. Anyway I think we need to talk more together. Just needed help understanding. Thank you.

OP posts:
Battleax · 16/02/2018 05:24

If she wants "sell and split" then there's no real reason why she'd object to you buying her out as a variant on that, is there?

Snowysnowysnow · 16/02/2018 05:24

Are you married? Legally, if not morally, this impacts how much she is entitled to.

You don't have to sell the house, you can raise a mortgage and buy her out (if she agrees to leave) but you might need to pay her more than 50%

Pleasebeafleabite · 16/02/2018 07:35

If you aren’t married- you say dp - do you have a deed in place for how your house would be split? If not it is likely to be 50:50 and if you want to buy her out you need to come to a reasonable arrangement as to how it is valued

Most of matt’s comments above are only relevant if you’re married

Leiaorganashair · 16/02/2018 19:04

Presumably she is part time and you are full time? In which case surely the most stable option for the kids is their mother remains their main caregiver?

Viviennemary · 16/02/2018 19:11

You need to get legal advice. Don't move out in a rush. She is the one who wants to split up not you. It doesn't seem very likely she would be able to stay on in this house with only a part-time job. I agree it's impossible for anyone on here to give advice as to what's the fairest split.

Original poster
Runnerman · 16/02/2018 20:52

I understand but I'm thinking I would do anything to see them as much possible. I can work from home, start late so I can at see them 50 50

OP posts:
MrsBertBibby · 16/02/2018 21:13

It's amazing how much time men suddenly have for their children when they're faced with a maintenance bill.

50%, you say! Aren't you the man.

Original poster
Runnerman · 16/02/2018 21:42

Nice comment

OP posts:
ApacheEchidna · 17/02/2018 00:04

Is 50:50 really in the best interests of the children, honestly? Obviously you both love them dearly and want to maximise your time with them but what is best for them? 50:50 means that neither house feels like their main home, constantly living out of suitcases, feeling unrooted. Might you not have more quality time with them with a more standard EOW + 1 or 2 weekday nights?

Leiaorganashair · 17/02/2018 01:25

Realistically, what will she be able to afford in that scenario? I don't believe 50/50 is ever in a child's best interests but that aside, if you did go for that, they will be with their mother half the time. You need to think about the space she will be able to afford and how this will meet or not meet their needs. If you care about them you will be more bothered about this than how much she gets.

Leiaorganashair · 17/02/2018 01:28

The other thing you say that worries me in your OP is that you want to minimise the damage for yourself and the kids. Minimising the damage for the kids may well mean her keeping the house.

Jon66 · 17/02/2018 01:33

Are you legally married?

Julie8008 · 17/02/2018 04:17

Its best for the kids to stay in the house with one of you. It doesn't sound like she can afford to buy you out. So if you can buy her out and keep the kids then that is the best outcome. In that scenario then its best for you to go for full residence of the children and she pays maintenance for them. She can have EOW.

If after that is all sorted she wants to see the children more often, and gets her life sorted out, then by all means...

But if you want to do the right thing then you have to prioritise the children, no question.

Battleax · 17/02/2018 05:22

Its best for the kids to stay in the house with one of you. It doesn't sound like she can afford to buy you out. So if you can buy her out and keep the kids then that is the best outcome. In that scenario then its best for you to go for full residence of the children and she pays maintenance for them. She can have EOW.

What glib nonsense.

Translation = the higher earning parent should always get residence, except in HNW couples.

You've overloooked the importance to children of parental time and input. As I'm sure you know.

ivykaty44 · 17/02/2018 05:33

Op

There is nothing to stop you reducing your work load to allow you to care for the dc, it’s important to be around for them and provide stability in their home life. The holidays are the hardest and having someone to share the 13 weeks school holidays and sick days with will allow you both to be able to work and care for the dc

Wallywobbles · 17/02/2018 05:57

50/50 can work fine. Maybe not forever. Age makes a big difference. We have DSC a little over 50/50 and it works fine. They've been 50/50 with their Dad since aged 4&7. He stayed in family home and bought ex wife out.

OP people on here are likely to take the DMs point of view. Try not to take it personally.

You do need legal advice. Go and see a few solicitors and find one you really think will work. Take all your financials. Go with all the information possible. Write yourself 2 lists. What you want in an ideal world.
What you could accept.
The second list you keep private the first is for the lawyer.

In a divorce the aim is for both parents to have enough to keep a home and look after kids.

Im not clear if you are married because that changes everything though.

Leiaorganashair · 17/02/2018 08:01

Julie's post is the biggest load of rubbish I have ever seen on MN.

"Getting her life sorted" does not mean having more money Julie, what a ridiculous thing to imply.

OP has said that their partner has been working part time and has been the children's primary care giver. No court in the land will give her anything less than 50/50 in that situation unless there are serious extenuating circumstances. They just won't. "Stability" is not staying in the house. Stability may well be staying mostly with their mother as she has been primary caregiver.

surlycurly · 17/02/2018 09:18

I'm shocked at how anti men some of the replies to this post are coming across. What makes anyone have the right to say that 50/50 won't work because it can and it does? In Scandinavia it happens all the time and parents would never think that the children are being disadvantaged by staying with their male parent half the time. And the bitchy comment about a dad only wanting 50 % access to avoid maintenance!!! WTF!! I am genuinely shocked. And I speak as a single parent whose income was decimated by staying at home, whose family house was sold despite attempts to buy if from my ex, as someone who was screwed out of a fair share of the assets because I legally couldn't afford to pursue it any longer, and as someone who has her kids 95% of the time. Just because that is how some situations work out, it doesn't mean that it will be that way for everyone, or that because of gender it should be the female parent who had the main care of the kids. I know lots of women who are not capable of looking after their children despite having the majority of the custody.

Good luck OP

LittleBearPad · 17/02/2018 09:23

There is no monetary difference between the house being sold and proceeds divided and the OP buying his partner out.

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