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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

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Original poster

When should I tell my husband I've hired a divorce lawyer?

75 replies

user1482949820 · 28/12/2016 18:35

Hello there. I hope someone who's gone through a divorce on this forum can help me. I am about to tell my husband I want to break up. How long after this conversation should I say that I have hired a solicitor? We have no kids and are both financially independent. I don't think he will see my decision coming but I believe he realises things are not going well. I want to keep things as amicable as possible. So how long would you suggest I wait before involving lawyers? Many thanks.

OP posts:

MrsTerryPratchett · 28/12/2016 18:39

Do you actually need a lawyer? I divorced exDH without one as it's fairly simple without children as long as everyone is sensible and fair. I did get a little advice for the separation, but the rest was done without lawyers.

Original poster

user1482949820 · 28/12/2016 18:54

Thank you very much for the quick reply. Yes, I do need a lawyer - we have a fairly complicated financial situation. And I have already spoken to a laywer. I just don't know when to bring it up....

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NewNNfor2017 · 28/12/2016 18:59

See if you can read up about the change curve and how it applies to separating couples. CAFCASS include it in their separated parenting course, but it's equally applicable for those without DCs.

In short, you have already experienced the emotions along the curve and have reached acceptance that your marriage is over. Your DH will need to experience denial, anger and depression before he's ready to accept. It is a lot harder to remain amicable if your stbexH is in the denial or anger stage when you begin negotiations.

eyebrowsonfleek · 28/12/2016 19:01

Are you back at work or are you off at the moment? I would wait until you're back at work so you're not at home all of the time. Have you got all of the financial information you need? (Mortgages, savings, pensions etc?)

Original poster

user1482949820 · 28/12/2016 19:04

Thank you for your reply. I believe my husband will be fairly civil about it and yes, he will be hurt (we both will be) but I was thinking not to suggest we involve lawyers at the start and maybe wait two or three weeks. Would that be realistic? Because I can't wait for him to be where I am now, emotionally, before we start proceedings. There's nobody else in the picture but I want to feel I am taking steps to move on.

OP posts:

Oblomov16 · 28/12/2016 19:04

Have you told him that you are very unhappy? When did you last tell him this?

NewNNfor2017 · 28/12/2016 19:11

I was thinking not to suggest we involve lawyers at the start and maybe wait two or three weeks. Would that be realistic? Because I can't wait for him to be where I am now, emotionally, before we start proceedings.

It really depends. He may come to terms with it quickly, or it could take years - and it's often not predictable.

I wanted a swift resolution, and I suspected my ex would take months to adjust. (I was wrong, it was over 2 years) so I filed for divorce immediately after telling him I wanted out. Life was awful for about 6 months, but once I'd got a measure of how he was going to behave, I could take steps to protect my DD and I from his extreme behaviour.

I was berated by friends and family members, but I knew it was the right thing for our circumstances, as it was never going to remain amiable unless we followed his timetable.

ChuckSnowballs · 28/12/2016 19:13

Are you planning on moving out shortly? I would secure somewhere to live and then let him know. ESP if there is definitely no going back.

Original poster

user1482949820 · 28/12/2016 19:13

We tend to argue quite frequently. Even if it's just quick snipes that happen most days. THere's a lot of 'how many times have I asked you to.....' from my part, which I find irritating and draining to have to tell him. We are really more like house mates than a couple now with me doing a lot of stuff on my own and making it fairly obvious I don't enjoy doing stuff with him anymore. We went to Relate for sex help about a year and a half ago and while it seemed to have helped, I had mentally and emotionally already checked out so after a short time things faded again. I don't love him anymore and while I think he's a nice guy and we are nice and polite to each other, I feel I'm trapped now. Hence my decision to leave him. So I'm positive he can tell I'm unhappy. I don't think he's happy either. But he doesn't like confrontation so he wouldn't bring this up. And so I decided to do it.

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Original poster

user1482949820 · 28/12/2016 19:15

I am hoping to buy him out of this share of our home and stay here. So no, I'm not planning to move out...

OP posts:

Original poster

user1482949820 · 28/12/2016 19:17

eyebrowsonfleek: we both work from home so the timeframe is not work dependent. And yes, I have everything sorted financially - all info and documents lined up.

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ChuckSnowballs · 28/12/2016 19:20

Well no time like the present then.

If you don't think there is any danger from him, tell him they you want to start the new year off, fresh start and you both need to start making new plans.

Original poster

user1482949820 · 28/12/2016 19:22

Yes, that's part of what I want to say to him. But going back to my original question, is two or three weeks OK to wait before I say I'm engaging a lawyer? Is that too harsh?

OP posts:

ChuckSnowballs · 28/12/2016 19:23

You need to play it by ear.

Original poster

user1482949820 · 28/12/2016 19:24

I know that... I was hoping I could tap into the pool of experience here and see what the others had done. I'm so worried of making a mistake and making things harder than they have to be.

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RFHrules · 28/12/2016 19:27

I agree with "play it by ear". I'd see how he reacts. He may be less surprised than you anticipate.

Good luck.

Original poster

user1482949820 · 28/12/2016 19:28

Thank you. But I'm still hoping for some guidance on what others have done.... :-)

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NewNNfor2017 · 28/12/2016 19:32

is two or three weeks OK to wait before I say I'm engaging a lawyer? Is that too harsh?

On whom? Him? No one can say because whether it is 'harsh' of not depends on his reaction to your news.

There isn't a single, socially acceptable way of doing these things - our mediator thought I was being too accommodating, while my parents thought I was completely unreasonable.

Whose approval are you seeking?

UnderbeneathsiesTheMistletoe · 28/12/2016 19:32

Why don't you phone a mediator OP.
That way you can have a more civil arrangement.

If your DH works from home remember you will be depriving him of his office as well as his home and he will need to be compensated for that inconvenience too.

I think mediation is a fairer way to get him to realise his own feelings and thoughts when still with a carbon rod of the mediatior there.

You can meet separately and together and all emotions and practical arrangements can be tabled in a fair and transparent way.

I wouldn't go near a solicitor if I really had my DH's interests at heart as I do my own.

Give one a ring to see how the process is led by one of them before you go Rottweiler on his ass with a lawyer.
Your DH may feel that if he has his say with a mediator that emotionally and financially it may work out as a win win quicker and more amicabally for both of you.

You are aiming for a win win.

MrsTerryPratchett · 28/12/2016 19:32

Two or three weeks is very very quick. If he's not thinking you are breaking up, he has to process that. Getting a separation agreement should be quick but let him process a little. Particularly as you are talking about staying in the house. So he will be losing his marriage and home. Acknowledging that that is hard...

I was done with my marriage by the time I broke up so I was in a very different place to my ex.

Original poster

user1482949820 · 28/12/2016 19:38

NewNNfor2017: whose approval am I seeking? Everyone's I guess. His, family's, friends'...

UnderbeneathsiesTheMistletoe: the lawyer I have been speaking to is also a mediator so that should help then. She came highly recommended and everything I've read about her tells me she is very good with people in these situations

MrsTerryPratchett: oh gosh. Is two/three weeks really quick? I was hoping that was fine. The sooner I feel I'm getting my independence back, the better...

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NewNNfor2017 · 28/12/2016 19:47

NewNNfor2017: whose approval am I seeking? Everyone's I guess. His, family's, friends'...

You need to deal with this before you go ahead.

In order to emotionally cope with what you will face, you will need to be sure that you are doing what is right for you, irrespective of what other people think.

You will face judgement from friends, family, clients/colleagues, professionals such as bank staff - everyone will form an opinion based on what they are told, or they think they know.
Your mutual friends will probably take sides. Your parents may well do.

No matter how long you wait, some people will think you are doing the wrong thing by him.

Original poster

user1482949820 · 28/12/2016 19:54

THat is one of the things I am dreading the most. People I love, taking sides. Breaking up certain 'balances.' But I need to do what's right for me, as you say. However that still doesn't make the idea of losing some people any easier to face.

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ChuckSnowballs · 28/12/2016 19:55

I know that... I was hoping I could tap into the pool of experience here and see what the others had done.

But none of the people with experience are currently married to your husband and we have no way of knowing what is currently in his head.

Or I could say 18 days, 3 hours and 5 minutes...What does any of it really mean anyway?

MrsTerryPratchett · 28/12/2016 19:57

The sooner I feel I'm getting my independence back, the better... You're getting your independence back as soon as you tell him it's over. Launching straight into dividing up assets when the other person is processing emotions isn't a great idea. If he's still in anger and you're working out how much the house is worth... see how that's going to lead to issues.

And you might be surprised about friends. ExDH's two best friends at the time of our divorce are still friends of mine. We behaved like adults so they didn't have to choose sides.

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