When should I tell my husband I've hired a divorce lawyer?

[user1482949820]

Hello there. I hope someone who's gone through a divorce on this forum can help me. I am about to tell my husband I want to break up. How long after this conversation should I say that I have hired a solicitor? We have no kids and are both financially independent. I don't think he will see my decision coming but I believe he realises things are not going well. I want to keep things as amicable as possible. So how long would you suggest I wait before involving lawyers? Many thanks.

I want to avoid coming across as heartless if I find out that people tend to wait - say - three or four months before going legal...

My suggestion would be to fairly quickly suggest a separation agreement to protect both of you. Then leave it a while and see how he is. Could be a relief, could be devastating.

A separation agreement by a lawyer?

Afterthestorm: thank you for the head on advice. I guess mainly I want him to realise this won't be a temporary thing and that I won't change my mind.

I want him to realise this won't be a temporary thing and that I won't change my mind.

You do seem to want everything your own way. You want him to accept the marriage is over on your timetable, and move out of your joint home/office, and allow you to buy him out. Your life doesn't significantly change, even though you are the one who wants it to be different.

If you want him to accept that it's over, so you can move on, then maybe you need to compromise and leave the marital home/office yourself?

I hadn't looked at it that way. I will let him bring up the issue of the house - tbh I don't think he'd want to stay. He's always thought it is too big. As for the rest I will see how it goes. The critical thing for me is that he accepts that it's a permanent change and that I won't change my mind (this is if he even is going to try and make me change it. He might not). Then I'll stop getting so wound up with him because I'll know that 'soon' I won't be living with him any more. I feel so bad about this but I can't stay married to him. He's doing nothing significantly wrong. But over time (14 years) little things have started to drive me crazy and I'm just not in love with him anymore.

Timescale isn't the issue for me so much. It's the ambushing of a fait accompli. You've planned the outcome, process, timescale... That would make me distrust you and feel horribly betrayed and suspicious.

I get your need to rip the plaster off but if you're genuine about keeping things amicable you need to separate out making him realise it's inevitable from the nuts and bolts of making it inevitable.

You can say "I need to take steps and I'd like your opinion..." If he doesn't engage with it you will just have to broach again...and again until he realises he has two options 1) engage 2) happens anyway it hour him engaging.

Fwiw in your situation I had a non engager and divorced him without him engaging and no amount of time would have made him do so. It took 3 months from making it public I.e. Announcing our decision to actually taking legal steps.

ColdFeetinWinter: Thank you very much for the first-hand experience advice. I like your suggestion on how to breach the subject of needing to take steps. That's really helpful. Thank you. The reason why I have had time to think about the various aspects of my decision is because I've been thinking about the fact that i'm not happy and want out for over a year. But for whatever reason I'm not even sure of myself, I didn't do anything about it until now. So I haven't 'plotted' anything in advance. I've just been thinking about the ifs/whys/hows for a long time until I decided I couldn't stay any longer.

"Plotted" could be intentional or just your personal musing. Outcome is the same. You're way ahead of him

...possibly ...possibly he's already there himself.

Make it public. That will feel solid.

I meant 'plotted' as planning devoid of emotions. It wasn't like that. Hence why I'm trying to get advice on how to do this 'right' - even though every case is different of course. TBH i think that after the initial shock he will see that it's not surprising at all. I will also let him decide when to make it public. To me it's important to tell him. Everyone else can wait. At least for now.

I think there is an element of "this is how it's going to be" about your posts.

You have decided you're not happy, decided that the solution is to end the marriage, emotionally accepted that the marriage is over, considered how the marriage could be ended, decided how you want it to end and decided on a timescale you'd be happy with.

You want him to just accept all of that, and not cause a scene - not least because you're worried about what other people think.

Presumably you were happy together once. What if he says that he wants to understand why you are unhappy now, and wants to try and rebuild your happiness as a couple? What if he suggests other ways of working on your happiness? An open marriage? Living apart? What if he says he won't sell you his share of the house and he wants to run it as a guest house ?

The fact that he may disagree with your solutions as to how to end things doesn't seem to have occurred to you.

I think I have a way in mind of how I'd like things to work out but I want him to be happy with how things develop too. He's a nice man, I want to do this as nicely as possible. Whatever requests he makes, we'll discuss them and work through them. I have thought about the fact that he might not agree to stuff, absolutely I have and of course I don't expect things to go entirely my way and i accept this. But no, I don't want to try and give things another chance, even if he did ask. Not with someone I'm no longer in love with. But that doesn't mean I don't want to be nice over the coming months because I still care about him.

It does seem a little unfair to him that, having made promises and commitments as part of of your marriage vows, you have not shared your unhappiness with him until it is too late to even try and rekindle the love and attraction you felt for him initially. You mourned the loss of your marriage alone - yet did nothing to try and prevent it being lost?!?

If you had just come to the realisation that you want out, then fair enough, but you have given this a great deal of thought and consideration without trying to prevent it happening by discussing it with the person who it affects most, and who you made the commitment to in the first place.

Fair comment. But then whenever we have arguments and I explain what it is that upset me or annoyed me why did he not do anything about it? Whenever I bring him face to face with something he's done repeatedly and that I explained hurt me or I found wrong he'd say sorry but then do it again. When I ask why he keeps on doing that he says he doesn't know. Surely that's enough of a sign that things are not working out? Or is it normal to have this type of recurring, frequent arguments, after many years?

It depends what the arguments are about! You say you expect him to change when you tell him he does something that upsets you or you consider "wrong" - but what makes your way the only correct one?
It is incredibly unlikely that two people in even the happiest marriage are so compatible that everything they do is aligned.

I am untidy, my DH is tidy. I try and keep my desk, and other family areas of the house, clear of my clutter. But sometimes it builds up and stresses him out. He, on the other hand, is lousy at time management, and I am often stood on the doorstep waiting for him when we are supposed to be leaving, or helping him to meet a last minute deadline late at night.

We love each other despite of, and partly because of, those characteristics.

Of course, if we had differing values in areas of our lives that we were not prepared to compromise on, then it would be different. I divorced my ex due to his gambling and porn use. He knew it upset me, but continued to indulge. I know my DH would be unhappy if I didn't have similar personal hygiene values to his, for instance. Few relationships survive infidelity, but some do.

It's unlikely you'd find any relationship in which both parties were entirely in harmony - the issue is how they deal with those issues, and differences. And that requires communication.

Thanks for sharing your experience. I guess that the fact that more and more things about him or that he does are annoying me is a sign that we are not compatible any more. His work situation changed a few years after we got together and that, together with other things, showed me he didn't have some of the traits I thought he had when we were first together. Initially those 'changes' didn't matter too much but then I realised we were too different. And surely if I still loved him enough I'd happily put up with this stuff? There is also other stuff, bigger stuff, that I realised I'm not going to put up with. Initially I thought I could live with it but now I realised it shows an underlying lack of interest. And it's thinking about all these things that made me realise that I shouldn't stay with someone whom I don't think deep down is that interested in me. He might love me, but he actually doesn't know a lot of things he should have asked about. Stuff that partners should want to know. I am aware that women are more curious than me but he barely knows my love history for example. He never asked. And I think that's not right either....

14 years? He may need some time. And in answer, DH and I do things that drive the other one round the twist. And I still love him absolutely.

He may feel totally blindsided and devastated.

He might love me, but he actually doesn't know a lot of things he should have asked about. Stuff that partners should want to know. I am aware that women are more curious than me but he barely knows my love history for example. He never asked. And I think that's not right either....

He clearly isn't living up to your expectations as a life partner - whether or not they are reasonable expectations is immaterial, because either they are, and therefore you are justifiably unhappy, or they are not, and he would be better off out of a marriage where he cannot live up to your standards.

I think you need to prepare yourself for a difficult few months - it sounds as if you have made no attempt to communicate your unhappiness, or expectations, to him, until now when it's too late, so it's likely that he, and your friends and family, will be shocked and stunned at the apparently casual way you are ending the marriage.

People do grow as marriages lengthen - couples who have been married for 30,40 or 50+ years are not the same people as when they met - they have grown and evolved together. Successful Marriages take work, they are not something that just happen naturally. Without that, couples can discover that they have grown apart without even realising how far away from each other they have become.

It's probably too late now, but there is a great deal of effective relationship advice online - love maps, love banks, four horsemen - they each have their supporters and detractors, but they all have things in common; communication and commitment.

I have been telling him that certain things make me unhappy, as I mentioned above. But he keeps on doing them. To me that is a sign that he doesn't care. Or at least that he doesn't care enough. Surely the effort should come from both sides? If you say, repeatedly, that certain things he does really make you unhappy/mad, and he keeps on doing them, what does that say about him? Is it not a show of lack of caring? Because if I know he'd rather I didn't do some stuff and I agreed to changing, I'd change.

No one is saying you aren't allowed to end your marriage and there is no rule about what is 'bad enough'.

The point I think people are trying to make is that all of his faults are things that happy marriages sometimes have. So it may be a shock to him and to others. And shocking things take time to process.

If you are done, you are done. I was. And I got over the divorce very quickly as a result. But he may not. And that doesn't make him wrong.

I have been telling him that certain things make me unhappy, as I mentioned above.

Being annoyed about something, or thinking it's wrong, is not the same as it making you unhappy.

If you told me repeatedly that you were irritated when I leave my dirty tea mug on the kitchen counter rather then putting it in the dishwasher, I'd try my best to remember to put it away, but I wouldn't get it right all the time. Even if you said to me "how many times have I told you" - it wouldn't be something I could change about myself.

If, however , you told me that the debt I was incurring every month left you stressed and anxious and wanted to work on a debt repayment plan otherwise you couldn't see a long term future for the marriage, then I'd prioritise it and change my ways if I wanted the marriage to work.

It entirely depends on what the issue is, and how significant you have made it to him.

I would suggest you prepare yourself for some home truths - if he has never told you about habits or characteristics you have which irritate him, then it's likely they will come out over the next few weeks and months.

Thank you both. Very helpful points. I really appreciate it.

I asked my ex husband to leave and saw a solicitor the same week. He was fully aware and I advised him to do the same.
No one can advise you what to do or when to do it. I needed to seek advice quick as my financial situation was also not straight forward.

Eatingtomuch: thank you. Was it an acrimonious divorce?