Friend thinking there's no point visiting mutual friend with dementia as she won't recall the visit

[limetrees32]

This is true but .. I'm annoyed. Friend with dementia will enjoy the visit and it will provide pleasant stimulation for her.
I suppose the friend not wanting to come is not keen for emotional reasons ( which I understand) and is using this is an excuse.
What do people think?

I think she’s so wrong. Maybe she won’t remember the visit but she might keep hold of the feeling of enjoyment for a while.

I had a relative with dementia. She would light up so much when we would come to visit. It would make her so happy. I would never not go because she wouldn’t remember it an hour later. I think our visits made her happy for the day. We went as often as we could.

If you want to go to visit, go. Your friend isn't stopping you, presumably, and it's not for you to decide what choice she makes for herself.

I think human connection and friendship is so important for wellbeing. Even if she won’t remember it will do her good -( unless a time comes when change becomes frightening / stressful.)

But if a tangent but, at the other end people say they don’t take their kids away until they’re old enough to remember it which i also don’t agree with the reasoning as experiences shape your view and understanding of the world and even if you don’t recall the explicit details they still have an impact.

I visited my grandad because although he didn’t remember me, I remembered him. It’s very sad. I understand her not wanting to go. It’s tough

My mother had dementia and I knew she wouldn't remember my visits ten minutes later, but I had to visit because I was her only relative and I needed to check in on her. Her friends visited her in the earlier stages but there got to a point when they no longer did, and I did not blame them at all.

They had various reasons for not wanting to visit. They did not want to see her continuing deterioration, they wanted to remember her as she was before. She no longer recognised them. And they were themselves of an age when they had their own health problems, or a close relative did.

So in reply to your question, if you want to visit, great. If the friend doesn't, that is also a completely reasonable choice.

@limetrees32 I think she’s not a friend, sorry.

I assume that most people with dementia have some kind of support in place, and the visits mean a break for them, or some kind of check in on how they are (if the support is paid). So it’s not just the time with the person.

Tbh my memory is pretty awful, I’m always amazed how much detail other people remember about visits and things but it doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy it at the time.

I would be very annoyed too. It happened to my mum. The point is that it is about the person receiving the visit and any enjoyment they might get from that. It’s not about the visitor (in my humble opinion). Issues like this sort the sheep from the goats.

I am very pleased that the previous posters relative with dementia had a happy response to her visits. There was a time when I visited my mother that she enjoyed visits in a similar way, however towards the end of her life visits became more.difficult as she lost all understanding of who she was. She started to react in fear of people visiting and try to hide under her bedsheets crying as she perceived strangers coming to her in her vulnerable bed bound state. It is the cruelest disease and I certainly would not judge someone who could no longer visit at that point. I wish you well in your choices of visiting or not. I hope the staff caring for your person are open and honest about how well a visit might be received at their current state of disease.

Its a shame but some friendships or people are not strong enough to cope with dementia. I have seen this with my family where friends of DM have stepped back because they can no longer have the type of conversation/visit that they want to have with DM. As a PP said its the same argument some people use for not taking young children on holidays. They won't remember the detail but it will still have an impact on them.

They remember emotions and feelings, if tuey dont remember they remember how you made them feel.

I do agree that if visits become distressing for the person, that they might not be the best thing to happen. I assumed this friend with dementia would enjoy the visits as OP said she finds them pleasant.

I think the memory of the visit would sink in at some deeper level of the mind, to be cognized in some way that would have a beneficial effect

I think that may be true for some. It certainly is NOT true for all

@limetrees32....its a shame your friend doesn't have the kindness and empathy to visit simply because its kind and empathic to visit 🙄

If your friend finds it too difficult that is fine isn't it ? They might not want to admit they are uneasy with visits, you can go.

I go with my mum to visit her brother and it is hard, he knows who she is but his dementia is so bad now, that there is no real memories of anything and he gets agitated quickly so we stay for a short while, he doesn't remember that we visited last week or why we are there at all is quite distressing for my mum, we might decide to stop visiting soon.

Depends if the patient with dementia enjoys the visit at the time and how distressing the friend without dementia finds it.

My grandad had dementia and we used to visit purely for the sake of my grandmother because she used to appreciate us going and think that he appreciated it. By the end he showed absolutely no signs of recognition and there was no sign that he enjoyed the visits whatsoever. My father used to find them incredibly distressing, because his father was suffering so terribly, so we used to limit them to very infrequently.

His priest, after his death, said he found the visits so distressing that he couldn't visit over his final years of life. So I don't think that this is some kind of unreasonable moral failing as the priest in question was incredibly kind.

she is bu to think no one should visit ever cos she won't remember, she's not bu to make that choice herself not to go

If the friend doesn’t want to go, she might not be able to give the kind of chat/attention that someone with dementia would find pleasant anyway. In my experience the person visiting needs to be very relaxed, breezy, confident about picking up scraps of conversation and steering them in a direction that the person with dementia can respond to. It’s quite hard work even if you really love someone. If you’ve been unwillingly dragged along for a visit, I suspect the whole thing would feel awkward and unsatisfying. My dad has mild dementia - he rarely remembers the specifics of conversations but he absolutely picks up on the vibe, and gets quite worried or upset if the vibe is bad.

What I’m saying is, there’s no point in trying to guilt-trip her into it. It wouldn’t go well for anyone.

I think your friend's reasoning is unfair but I wonder if that is her actual reason, or whether it's actually just that she finds visits really hard. I find visiting my dad extremely difficult and dread it tbh, but force myself because it's my dad.

I don't think it reflects well on her but I could kind of understand more simply not wanting to go.

I go frequently to the friend with dementia, not connected to anyone else going.
I completely understand that my other friend can't face visiting . It's too painful.
I suppose what I find difficult is using the excuse ( What's the point , she won't remember).
And if it's the reason then I see her in a different light - not being able to put her needs need our mutual friend who is suffering.

People have seen some improvement on this when using Zinnia TV:

https://www.zinniatv.com/

I understand, it's not the not visiting that is the problem. It is her dismissing your visits as being pointless. Visits are never pointless. Often the person enjoys them at the time and it provides stimulation. If, as in a PP's case the person is actively scared by them then it is fine to stop seeing the person for more than a brief moment but there is still point in a visit to talk to staff, keep an eye on what is happening and make sure staff know that someone is doing so. Or it might be giving a regular carer a break for even a few minutes.

My mum had dementia and was in a home for the last 2 years of her life. Her older sister lived 100 miles away and stopped visiting or sending cards because “ what does she know, she’s got dementia “ my mum remembered her “ big sister “ and would say on her birthday or Christmas when I’d open and read her cards to her, “ oh nothing from my big sister “ That made me soo mad. I’d ask her to please , even if you don’t visit, please at least send a card.
My husband offered to collect my aunt and take her home again, but nope “ she’s got dementia she won’t remember “ .
My dad’s brother on the other hand lived in Australia and made that horrendous journey twice. It damaged my relationship with my aunt permanently. I just didn’t feel the same about her anymore. Karma though happened and my aunt got dementia at the end of her life. My mum had already died by then. I still visited her regularly and checked in on her, because it was the right thing to do but it was definitely a duty visit.

It's important that people with dementia get visits for as long as they get pleasure from them, even if it's forgotten within minutes. My MILs face used to light up when she saw me, even though she couldn't tell anyone who I was. She just knew that she loved me.

When they get past that stage, it's still important that someone visits, simply to ensure that they're being cared for properly. I plan to tell my DDs that should it become too painful for them to visit me, they're to use my money to pay someone to visit, attempt to engage with me, and check that the care is appropriate and caring.

Both of my parents had dementia
In their final days they both regained some speech and it was clear that they had understood, and remembered, far more than we thought possible.