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Original poster

Telling a dementia patient about a loss

31 replies

DuckDuckNo · 26/08/2022 22:52

Mama is in a care home and she is pretty far gone at the moment, remembers things from decades ago but what I tell her will only register for a few minutes at best. She still asks about people and is worried about them.

Her only living sibling passed away suddenly a couple of days ago and Papa passed away the next day.

My fear is this: when I tell her, I have to tell her again and again and devastate her and break her heart every time I see her.

But I can't just.. not tell her and hold the funerals and not let her know can I?

OP posts:
SNWannabe · 26/08/2022 22:58

Oh bless. Actually yes I think you can not tell her. Maybe not lying directly, but perhaps like this

“how is Jenny these days? In a bit worried about not hearing from her”

“mama, let’s not worry about Jenny right now, can you remember a time that she and you did x y” (insert memory here to change the subject)

or
“Dont worry about Jenny, that’s not your concern Mama… then change the subject.”

Ask the staff for advice if you trust they’re good with her too… they will have experienced such things before.

sorry for your losses ❤️

endofthelinefinally · 26/08/2022 23:00

I agree with pp. I think it is best not to tell her. With dementia it is always best to distract and divert. Otherwise you just cause repeated distress.

BananaSpanner · 26/08/2022 23:01

Honestly, I’m not sure I would tell her. You are right, you would be telling her again and again. She would suffer each time. If you took her to the funeral, you would probably have to tell her during the service whos funeral it was.

When I visit my mum, she asks about her parents constantly. They died 40 ish years ago. I do tell her the truth but deep down she knows and isn’t shocked. I’m not sure I could bring myself to tell her of a fresh bereavement (repeatedly).

At my mothers care home, there is a woman who doesn’t remember her husband has died and they did tell her to start with but she became so distressed all the time now they just say he’s popped out when she asks for him.

Im sorry for your losses.

Jellybean23 · 26/08/2022 23:01

I would say nothing to her, it would be kinder not to mention it. There is nothing to be gained in repeating it over and over again.

Supersimkin2 · 26/08/2022 23:02

Don’t tell her. Unkind given she can’t process it without repetitious grief.

Snugglemonkey · 26/08/2022 23:04

I don't think you need to tell her. My partner had a relative with dementia in a similar position. His mother was really distressed when the relative would talk about people as if they were alive and correct them. She did it as she couldn't cope herself but it caused so much distress and was cruel really. In the end it was better for both that she didn't visit. Everyone else just smiled and revisited memories of the deceased and there was no distress for anyone.

junebirthdaygirl · 26/08/2022 23:07

My mil had dementia and every time we visited she asked about her brother Tom who had died years previously. The first time we told her he had died ages ago she got so upset so from then on when she said..How is Tom doing? We said "ah you know Tom now..same as always "and moved on quickly.
Think it's a good suggestion to discuss it with the staff as they will have lots of experience with this.
Condolences on all your bereavements. That's all very tough.

Original poster
DuckDuckNo · 26/08/2022 23:08

Thank you everyone. Her decline has been really quick and these deaths have also been kind of all of a sudden and I am not thinking clearly, with all the sorrow and the sleepless nights. But you're right. It is best just to distract her.

OP posts:
Hellocatshome · 26/08/2022 23:09

Its a hard one but my instinct would be dont tell her and divert and distract if she asks about them. My Grandma used to ask for her husband all the time but he died before she got dementia so when we told her he wouldn't be coming because he was dead she never seemed shocked or upset. She must have known deep down. For a new bereavement which is new information she can't process I personally wouldn't tell her.

Anon50000 · 26/08/2022 23:10

Don't tell her.

OnTheBrinkOfChange · 26/08/2022 23:11

What a horrible situation. I really wouldn't tell her. I'd say something about them being happy, e.g. oh she's having a lovely day out with her friends. I wouldn't brush it off but I would give her a happy thought.

cstaff · 26/08/2022 23:14

I knew a man with dementia a few years ago. He was in the same nursing home as a family member. His son committed suicide which was really distressing for the family but they never told him as there was no point. It was such a sad situation but I understood why they did what they did.

endofthelinefinally · 26/08/2022 23:15

MIL used to ask about her parents regularly. DH initially made the mistake of reminding her that they were long dead and she became terribly distressed. After that we always just told her they weren't coming out that day, or they were busy and that was always fine, she accepted it and we distracted her with something else.

Original poster
DuckDuckNo · 26/08/2022 23:15

To think that just in July I celebrated my birthday with all of them and they were reasonably OK! And now I am here.

Thank you again. I won't tell her.

OP posts:
suzyscat · 26/08/2022 23:38

So sorry for all youre going through. I wouldn't tell her, but I also wouldn't distract. If she mentions them, talk about memories of them without updating. Good luck Flowers

Original poster
DuckDuckNo · 26/08/2022 23:42

She asks about Papa every day. 😭

OP posts:
Stopdropnroll · 26/08/2022 23:49

When my grandad had dementia the nurses told us not to say anything about grandmas death as basically it would be like telling him again for the first time, everytime. Lots of love, it's very hard xx

FlibbertyGiblets · 27/08/2022 01:10

It is so hard, you have my sympathies.
I agree that it is kindest to divert and distract.
We did the same, no telling of sad news because the person with dementia could not retain information for long enough.

PritiPatelsMaker · 27/08/2022 09:02

It must be heart breaking for you but I think it's definitely kinder just to say something like "they're doing fine" and then distract her with something else. Otherwise she'd be experiencing fresh grief every time you told her.

We have DMIL with vascular dementia and DFIL who has terminal cancer. We all made a decision not to tell DMIL. As it happens though she's caught Covid-19 abs is unlikely to survive so it looks like we may lose them both in a short space of time.

I'm so sorry for your losses Flowers

countrygirl99 · 27/08/2022 09:12

Under the circumstances I wouldn't tell her. A friend only realisedhow bad her mum's alzheimer's had got when she phoned her one morning to ask what time she was picking her up to take her to visit her dad in hospital. They had been with him when he died around midnight. Every time she told him he had died she was heartbroken again. Once the funeral was out of the way if her mum asked where he was she just said he'd gone to visit his brother for a few days. Her mum was still at home for another year but she always said she wished she had not reminded her.

RockingMyFiftiesNot · 27/08/2022 09:17

My friend had a similar situation with her Mum, who went into a home when her Dad died as Mum with dementia couldn't look after herself. Although her Mum had been to the funeral, every time my friend visited she asked where her Dad was and each time it was like hearing for the first time. Awful for both of them. The home advised her just to say 'he's not here at the moment' swiftly followed by a change of conversation or 'let's have a cuppa' or whatever to distract.

Sorry OP such a sad situation for you x

CherryGenoa · 27/08/2022 09:22

Oh love, I am sorry for your losses. 💐 Please do seek some counselling or whatever else you need to support you.

you could try Cruse

BigSandyBalls2015 · 27/08/2022 09:34

My FIL regularly asks where his dad is ….. MIL screams at him ‘He’s DEAD, I’ve told you a million times’ 😢.

We need to move him into a home where he’s looked after properly but how do you do that against MIL wishes?

Sounds hard OP.

AdviceOnLife · 27/08/2022 09:42

I'm so sorry you are going through this.
My lovely little gran had dementia and like yours could remeber years and years ago but nothing current.
Her son passed away and my dad and I had to tell her. It was horrible for her (and selfishly-it was horrible for us too) then just over an hour and a half later she asked how her son was again.
My dad and I looked at each other and couldn't put her through that again.
We said he was working away and sends his love and she moved on to the next conversation. The home went along with that too.
We felt it was cruel to let her know her son died ever day sometimes many times a day.
Its a horrible situation, but while lies sometimes are for the best.

PritiPatelsMaker · 27/08/2022 09:43

We need to move him into a home where he’s looked after properly but how do you do that against MIL wishes?

That's so difficult. Have you got POA or have you spoken to his SW?