New dad struggling with partner’s rules and time at grandparents’ home

[ForTicklishDog]

New to Dadsnet. Myself and my partner have a 7 month old boy but our relationship is struggling and doesn’t feel like it will improve. My partner is overly cautious with everything when it’s comes to our son he is banned to any house with pets as they cannot be trusted including grandparents, when he’s in a garden we could be extra careful as we don’t know which plants or flowers are poisonous if he touches them.

Along with this she spends every weekday at her parents house making it feel like our home isn’t good enough for our son. So she’ll leave at 9AM and return at 6PM. Then on Fridays we have to go there and stay over as that is what she would like to do I have pushed back and im told if I don’t want to go don’t come but then I wouldn’t see my son. Then tie this in with not being able to ever to have our son by myself when she isn’t in the vicinity in another room or where she can see me because she states why would you want to go for a walk without me we’re a family.

That’s really weird behaviour to on your wife’s part. Could she be suffering with post natal depression. Could you have a chat with her parents. Spending no time together in your own home is just so strange.

It can be overwhelming being a new mother and having responsibility for a whole little life but what you describe sounds excessive. Her world is probably a scary place at the moment and it sounds like she’s trying her hardest to keep your baby safe by controlling her environment - which obviously isn’t how things work but anxiety isn’t rationale. Nobody online can give you a diagnosis but post natal anxiety is very real and debilitating.
Can you support your partner to have a conversation with her GP, assuming she acknowledges there’s an issue of course.
This sounds something that needs careful and sensitive exploration and support. I would doubt there’s a quick solution but that’s not to say there isn’t one. What do her parents say? Do they recognise there’s a problem?

Her parents seem to endorse them they believe you cannot trust any pet and obviously enjoy the increased time they get with their grandson

Her parents seem to endorse them they believe you cannot trust any pet and obviously enjoy the increased time they get with their grandson

Have you talked to her to say you’re not happy with the way things are and that you want things to change?

I think regardless of her health anxieties about the baby, she is controlling. not allowing you to have time with your son or have time at home is the first problem to be tackled - because she doesn’t have sole say on your child.

If this were roles reversed we’d be saying it’s abusive - and it is.

you need to sit down with her and talk through the primary things that need to change. Secondary is dealing with her health anxiety about the baby. Though some of this could also be excuses in order to retain control.

I wonder if she goes on weekdays because she’s lonely and can’t cope and needs another adult present. Going to stay every weekend is odd and not letting you take baby for a walk means she must be very anxious.

Yehhhhh. Really odd behaviour. Will she need to go back to work at some point?

How far away do your parents live?

What is the pet?

This isnt just extra time its the entire week there. So basically she is only at home in your shared home as a family overnight during the week? Weekdays she is at her parents and weekends you are all there? What was their relationship like before? Whose home do you live in and how long had you lived together? This feels really excessive and as though you aren't living together as a family really at all. If anxiety is driving it I think you need a kind conversation... in a few months you will have a very active baby who will be walking soon - it sounds like she will struggle to manage that. Does she take the baby out anywhere?

I second what other posters have said about perhaps having some post natal anxiety. I know I felt an overwhelming sense of responsibility with my first that had me awake panicking at night.

However, reading her view on pets makes me sad. There are plenty of studies that show real trends showing babies who grow up around pets tend to have stronger immune regulation, fewer allergies, lower stress, and better early social skills, as long as you follow the usual safety basics! So it’s actually an everyday exposure that helps little ones become more resilient and confident.

We lost our lovely Labrador last year and she was a joy with my boys. He taught them responsibility, caring and having empathy for other beings, he consoled them when they were sad and even at infant school age they are incredibly empathetic. Navigating her death with them was also a really valuable life lesson.

I have a feeling there is so so much more to this story and her side would be so different.

Waiting to hear the pet is an XL bully.

It sounds like anxiety, is she struggling but hasn’t opened up about it?

I’ve tried but it always ends up with I just want to keep him safe and why would I want to do stuff just with him we should do it as a family.

Certainly not an XL bully but the rules stands for cats as well.

We’ve lived together for maybe 3 years just us 2. Always been close but I would have thought our time as a 3 would be the priority. Yes she takes a baby out and stuff to places for walks etc

Can you plan a day trip just the three of you at the weekend - National trust place or something? This sounds really weird and I would not be happy being at my in laws all weekend every weekend at all. I think you really need to find a compromise, going one day maybe, but not staying overnight?

Honestly, this isn't safe or healthy for your baby.

I would tell her that her behaviour is abnormal and she needs to seek help. If she refuses to do that, I would make steps to leave and take my child with me. This may be a perinatal mental health issue. It is equally likely to just be how she parents and that she wants to be able to fully control you and the baby.

Do your parents/extended family get to see your baby?

Does your partner go to baby groups etc?

It definitely sounds like a tough situation to navigate!

How do night wakes and household chores currently get divided? If she has help with those, she's more likely to relax with the parenting elements. It could be she's spending so much time at her parents because she's overwhelmed?

This weekend, gently announce you'll be taking baby on a walk to give her some time to herself. Have the nappy bag packed (with everything you need, nappies, change of clothes, food) and baby ready. If your baby likes buggy naps, great timing. Tell her exactly where you'll be going and when you'll be back roughly. Send a pic of you two having a great time together if you can, to reassure her. It sounds like she has a touch of anxiety or low confidence in you, but this could be a nice way to boost it?

I wouldn’t argue with her taking the baby to her parents while you’re at work. It’ll help her and baby to have company during the day.

It’s sad that her anxiety is causing you to have arguments and relationship issues. She needs support from you, and from a GP.

Given the tension between you, it’s perhaps not surprising she isn’t keen on spending time together just the 3 of you.

Work on your relationship and being supportive and loving towards her.

If she’s got intense separation anxiety about being away from her baby this is a terrible idea. It’s far too much too soon.

No, it isnt. He is the baby's dad and her behaviour isnt healthy or normal. You do not appease someone who is behaving that way. If this was my partner doing this, I'd leave and take our baby away from him for their own safety.

To me this screams post natal anxiety. With my first I had very bad post natal anxiety and I really had no insight into my behaviour, I genuinely believed my child was at extreme danger from every day behaviours, for example I remember a screaming/crying argument with my husband because he walked a route with the pram that involved a steed hill. I was having intrusive thoughts about him getting go of the buggy on the hill. It’s only now 5 years later I can see I was actually pretty mentally unwell. Nothing could have convinced me at that time that I was being unreasonable. Luckily my husband could see I was struggling and was very gentle with me and gave me a lot of grace. Your baby is only 7 months old it’s very likely your wife if struggling not purposely trying to be difficult. Be patient with her. Try and gently increase your involvement with her and the baby and then with the baby alone.

It isn’t normal or healthy - correct. It’s post natal anxiety. I’ve had a friend who suffered from this. She was helped by loving, supportive partner, family and professional support accessed via GP. Not grabbing the baby and removing from her sight suddenly.

You also have absolutely no idea who you’re talking to or what is happening within this relationship - what this dog is like, if he and the dog are genuinely safe. So to give this kind of advice, that he should pack the bags and take the baby out, is honestly incredible.