New dad struggling with partner’s rules and time at grandparents’ home

[ForTicklishDog]

New to Dadsnet. Myself and my partner have a 7 month old boy but our relationship is struggling and doesn’t feel like it will improve. My partner is overly cautious with everything when it’s comes to our son he is banned to any house with pets as they cannot be trusted including grandparents, when he’s in a garden we could be extra careful as we don’t know which plants or flowers are poisonous if he touches them.

Along with this she spends every weekday at her parents house making it feel like our home isn’t good enough for our son. So she’ll leave at 9AM and return at 6PM. Then on Fridays we have to go there and stay over as that is what she would like to do I have pushed back and im told if I don’t want to go don’t come but then I wouldn’t see my son. Then tie this in with not being able to ever to have our son by myself when she isn’t in the vicinity in another room or where she can see me because she states why would you want to go for a walk without me we’re a family.

1. you don't know that is postnatal anxiety. Even if it is, a refusal to acknowledge that it is abnormal and damaging means you will have to advocate for the baby.

2. She won't let the baby in a house with a cat, either. There is no reason to assume this dad would put his baby in danger.

3. The chances of this kind of thing being an ongoing battle when raising the child is very high. It is damaging to the child and him. I think there is a good chance hanging around to try and solve it will be in vain.

It’s a pity her parents aren’t trying to help her, surely they can see her actions aren’t healthy

1. its clearly post natal anxiety
2. theres always a possibility a male partner is abusive, so better to err on the side of caution.
3. with support, post natal anxiety can absolutely resolve. Turning it into a battle, as you’re advising him to do, will not help it resolve, the opposite.

No I don't think it necessarily is. I have seen this just be an extreme need to control. Either way, unless she acknowledges that she needs help now, I don't think that it is wise to wait before setting up a home where this isn't present to at least partially raise the child.

I suffered Post Natal Anxiety with my first born. She needs support and will gradually gain in confidence. Please recommend to her that sees her GP as soon as possible. In the meantime, don't push her boundaries too far, and be as supportive as you can - with help, she will get better.

It's been a while since my DC were that young so I don't know what the support systems are like now but could you contact your Health Visitor if you are concerned it is post-natal anxiety?

I agree. Seek all help and advice as if it is PN anxiety.

Also once DW is more confident, invest in a young but fully toilet trained rehomed cat.

Your wife isn’t well. You need to speak to her parents and get her proper help.

I would try and take your son on the weekend as well. If she’s not unwell it’s controlling behaviour, you need to make her aware if you spilt up you can get 50:50 custody and there’s nothing she can do about it, so she needs to work on her controlling behaviour before that happens.

That’s vague as fuck. What is the pet? Just a cat? Your wording suggests otherwise.

She’s of the opinion our child should not be around any pet such as a dog at my parents which is a Labrador and her brothers house because of a cat.

Well then suggest you stop asking permission and start discussing plans.

yiu can go out as a family - that means your not at her parents all day. Start there and plan a trip out somewhere.

then you can progress to 121 time. Because frankly, she doesn’t trust you on your own with your child.

that may or may not be rational. But that’s where your at.

plan a trip for Saturday. Tell her that’s what you’re doing as a family.