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Dadsnet

Contact arrangements for 11yo

58 replies

Dan1214 · 23/10/2022 13:12

Hi, my ex wife left me when our daughter was 1 week old. Long story but there were different factors. We didn't communicate until our daughter was 1yo but then she applied for a divorce and I applied for child arrangement order. The court ordered 2-weekly sessions in a contact centre but the time always fell on my working weekends. I only managed to attend 2 sessions but my daughter was all cranky (she was 2yo by then) and the sessions were not successful. Somehow I was told that there were only 10 sessions paid by cafcass and I had to pay for any further sessions myself. I couldn't afford them. So basically, the contact never happened. I then met someone and moved to Scotland. My ex and I didn't get in touch. Last year my gf and I broke up and I moved back to England. I applied to Court again for contact enforcement, and we've been in court proceedings for 8 months now. My ex says that my daughter doesn't know me and doesn't want to see me as it's been technically 11 years of no contact. It turns out that my ex is also married and her new husband has been raising my daughter since she was 2! So basically he is her daddy and I'm no one. I'm being criticised that I never took her to court earlier, but no one cares that I simply couldn't afford it. Anyways, what are my chances to get direct contact with my daughter who is 11 years old now and is refusing to see me? Is there a procedure to make her mother liable to arrange contact ?

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debbs77 · 23/10/2022 13:25

I'm sorry to be blunt but seriously what did you expect? Another man stepped up and brought your daughter up.

If you hadn't wanted to make it work out, you would've moved heaven and earth. Not move away with someone else, essentially cut her out of your life, then move back and go for contact!

Your poor daughter.

Parents don't have rights to their children, they have responsibilities. You failed to be responsible for her

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TeaAndJaffacakes · 23/10/2022 13:25

This is what family court is for. And you’re already good down that route. Good for you.
No one is going to agree with you that it was reasonable to just not have contact with your daughter for 11 years because it was difficult to make time or you didn’t want to spend any money on it. Most people will be shocked that you prioritized everything else over arranging contact.
Do you have any experience with 11 year olds? It’s quite difficult to make them do something if they totally refuse to do it. You can’t just pick them and strap them into a carseat kicking and screaming like you do with a tantrumming 2year old.
Family court will consider your ex’s husband/daughter’s step dad totally irrelevant to the case. His existence has no bearing on the fact that you are the biological and legal father or on the fact that you chose not to pursue contact for 11 years.

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Barbie222 · 23/10/2022 13:30

Why didn't you arrange your work around your daughter? That's what parents have to do.

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Fuuuuuckit · 23/10/2022 13:39

I assume you've been paying CM for your daughter the whole time?

Thought not...

Seriously op, 10 years is your dd's ENTIRE LIFE - she has no working memory of you and you are using the court system to force your ex to encourage/enforce a relationship with an 11 year old who already has a significant father figure.

The best you can hope for is whatever your dd is prepared to share with you. You're on a hiding to nowhere if you think you can swan in expecting some sort of eow and tea on Wednesday. Incredible.

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Barbie222 · 23/10/2022 13:44

The best you can hope for is whatever your dd is prepared to share with you.

This. The court will manage your expectations, as it looks like from what you've put you haven't much of a grasp of what's normal in these sorts of cases.

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Dan1214 · 23/10/2022 13:44

I've made mistakes, I know right. Everyone makes mistakes. It doesn't mean I can't see my daughter. I wasn't given proper advice then. I'm simply trying to find out if there is a procedure to enforce contact as I'm being told that the judge will listen to what my daughter wants irrespective of what her opinion is based on. I don't expect my ex would encourage her to see me.

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Starseeking · 23/10/2022 13:47

Applying to court costs £215, and you can fill out the forms and represent yourself. I know that's the case, as I did it all for my useless EXDP about 6 years ago to regularise access to his DS from a previous relationship.

Even if you'd saved £50 PER YEAR, you'd have had the money in just over 4 years, and you could have started seeing your DD before it was too late.

In addition, it sounds like there was some abuse there, given you were expected to meet in a contact centre previously; that's not the norm at all.

TATQ there's nothing your EX can do to force her DD, and in her shoes I wouldn't even try. Wait until your DD is an adult, then you can explain to her why you abandoned her for 11 years before attempting contact. I'm guessing it'll be all her DM's fault, eh? Good luck with that.

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titchy · 23/10/2022 13:48

Never seeing your daughter for the entire 11 years of her life is a not a mistake. That's a bloke who is an utter total dick.

And yes, it does mean that you can't see her if that's what she decides.

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Twiggywinkle13 · 23/10/2022 13:54

It’s not everyone else’s fault - it’s yours. Out of interest what sort of contact do you think your daughter will want to establish after having none her entire life? Were you sending her birthday and Christmas cards, writing to her, phone calls or did you just not bother?

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RedWingBoots · 23/10/2022 13:59

You cannot force an 11 year old child to have contact with you.

Anyways, what are my chances to get direct contact with my daughter who is 11 years old now and is refusing to see me?

If you weren't sending her a birthday card every year, a Christmas card every year and the occasion postcard every month then start with that.

In them focus on her and not you. She doesn't give a shit if you have a new job or a new girlfriend. She wants to know you want to know about her, how she is feeling and what she is doing.

Is there a procedure to make her mother liable to arrange contact ?

Nope.

You are far too late for that.

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Barbie222 · 23/10/2022 14:00

Everyone makes mistakes. It doesn't mean I can't see my daughter.

It depends what the mistakes were. As a previous poster said, why was contact ordered via a centre? We all make mistakes, but are you minimising things here? Mistakes have costs and we sometimes have to live with the costs even if we wish we hadn't made them. I don't think no contact for 11 years is a mistake. I think it was your conscious path of action you pursued willingly as it suited you well at the time.

At this point it's about whether your daughter wants to see you, not whether you want to see your daughter. It's time to put her first and your wishes second.

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RedWingBoots · 23/10/2022 14:01

@Starseeking if he waits until she is an adult she will tell him to foxtrot oscar like some of my friends did with their fathers who decided to turn up out if the blue when they were between the ages of 16-18.

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RedWingBoots · 23/10/2022 14:03

I wasn't given proper advice then.

So you didn't bother talking to other men who had children with an ex-partner/ex-wife?

Or where you simply self-absorbed like you indicated in your opening post?

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AnneLovesGilbert · 23/10/2022 14:04

Why are you bothered now? It’s been a decade and your life was fine pretending not to be a dad. What’s changed?

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User38899953 · 23/10/2022 14:04

I smell bullshit on this.

No way would anyone be this dim.

Your daughter has had a father for 8 years, you haven't bothered. Leave her alone.

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Flyingf1edgelings · 23/10/2022 14:11

Poor you. You got dumped now you want to see her, you are so full of self importance. Child deserves more than you and by the looks of it she got that in her step daddy. You may the the father but you will never be a daddy.
suck it up shit waster.

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Pirrin · 23/10/2022 14:25

The reality of the situation is that she wasn't a priority for you until now. I beleive you that money was tight but did you never buy a beer, a tv licence, a takeaway meal? It sucks being skint but we still prioritise the little bits of money you do have - and you didnt make her your absolute top thing in life. Thays not to say you didnt care deeply, i have no idea either way about that. But she wasnt top or this situation wouldbt have happened. You can frame it as 'mistakes' that you're now trying to put right but sadly I think that once again misses the mark of understanding HER needs and placing them as top priority.

Put money aside for her, pay child maintenance, express that you have screwed up monumentally and have zero expectations of being let into her life, but that if she would ever like that then you'll be there. If they ever need anything you would try and help. And mean it. Expect to not see her until posts ly adult hood as that may be what's best for her seeing as she has a dad. Maybe write letters that you don't send which (if nice) she could possibly read years down to line to understand your feelings now. Looking after her best interests now looks v different to when she was tiny.

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America12 · 23/10/2022 14:32

What a load of bollocks. You are a disgrace you should be ashamed. Have you been paying maintenance at least ?

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KitchiHuritAngeni · 23/10/2022 14:32

Of course the courts will listen to your daughter.

Her view will be based on the fact you're a total stranger with a long list of excuses as to why you didn't step up, nothing to do with your ex.

As much as it hurts you, surely you see that it's great she has two involved parents who love her and are bringing her up.

If they force contact then are you quite happy for her to be forced into doing something she doesn't want to do because you've suddenly decided that most of the hard work is done and you want to be involved?

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Dan1214 · 23/10/2022 14:33

I would of sent her cards if I had known her address, she's my daughter alright. How would my ex expect any Christmas cards if she never gave me there address.

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Dan1214 · 23/10/2022 14:40

AnneLovesGilbert · 23/10/2022 14:04

Why are you bothered now? It’s been a decade and your life was fine pretending not to be a dad. What’s changed?

I've been through hardships alright but she's my flesh and blood it's not like I'm gonna give up on her

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KitchiHuritAngeni · 23/10/2022 14:40

Dan1214 · 23/10/2022 14:33

I would of sent her cards if I had known her address, she's my daughter alright. How would my ex expect any Christmas cards if she never gave me there address.

No mutual friends? Any family? No way you could have even set up a PO Box and given her the details to collect cards and letters? Set up an email address for your daughter and send emails then give her the login when she's older so she can see you've thought of her ever birthday and Christmas? Set up a bank account in her name and transfer money on special days and give that to her when she's older so she can see you thought of her? Give your ex extra maintenence at birthdays and Christmas and change the bank ref to reflect that?

There are a million things you could have done. You did precisely zero.

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crackofdoom · 23/10/2022 14:48

The contact sessions "failed" because your two year old daughter was "cranky"?. So you gave up because a toddler didn't behave perfectly?

Wow, you are a gem.

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Iamclearlyamug · 23/10/2022 14:55

You still haven't answered the very relevant question of whether you've been paying child maintenance - willing to bet the answers no.

Your daughter deserves better and clearly has that in her stepdad. It doesn't always take "flesh and blood" to be a father

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Unexpecteddrivinginstructor · 23/10/2022 15:01

Dan1214 · 23/10/2022 14:33

I would of sent her cards if I had known her address, she's my daughter alright. How would my ex expect any Christmas cards if she never gave me there address.

Could you not have tracked them down to send cards in the same way that you have now found them and decided to go to court?

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