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Original poster

Would love fathers views on this please

31 replies

MyGastIsFlabbered · 16/09/2015 16:10

Hi
Ex husband and I split 6 months ago, I initiated the split for a number of reasons. Ex refused to leave so the boys and I stayed temporarily with my dad then found a flat to rent. We attended mediation but it's broken down. Ex sees nothing wrong with the fact that he is living in a mortgage-free 3 bedroom house whilst his 2 young children live in a rented 2 bedroom flat. He flat out said there was nothing wrong with it.

The house is mortgage free because he and his brother inherited it, but he never lived in it before we all moved into it together.

I'm so furious with him, but I'd love to hear some male opinions.

I'll answer any questions, if anyone thinks I've missed out something vital.

OP posts:
BreakingDad77 · 16/09/2015 16:18

Well I have heard the "well you left me" crap from other men so there is no point arguing.

Just go to court get your half of assets, sort maintenance payments.

wreckingball · 16/09/2015 16:22

Sorry, not a bloke but is the house in both your names?

cansu · 16/09/2015 16:29

If you are married you are entitled to your share of the house I would imagine. I would focus on starting these legal proceedings so you can get this.

Original poster
MyGastIsFlabbered · 16/09/2015 16:55

He's started divorce proceedings, I'm not contesting it. What I want views on is the current living arrangements, how can he stay in a secure house while his boys are renting? It just seems so wrong to me.

OP posts:
cadnowyllt · 16/09/2015 20:27

Can't the children move back into their home with him ?

Original poster
MyGastIsFlabbered · 16/09/2015 21:16

Over my dead body. I've always been their primary carer, they're only 5 and 3, they wouldn't cope living with him.

OP posts:
WalfordEast · 16/09/2015 21:18

Technically- there isnt anything wrong with it. They are young, roof over their head and have a place to sleep.

Morally? Its wrong.

cadnowyllt · 16/09/2015 21:24

Have you considered shared residence ? - Do you live fairly close to the former matrimonial home ? The boys could still go to the same school / nursery.

Original poster
MyGastIsFlabbered · 16/09/2015 21:30

I got a flat near the old home so my eldest could go to the same school. My ex doesn't want custody of the boys. He has them overnight every other weekend, and sees them for one of the days on the weekends in between. He's never made any push to have more contact, he never telephones to speak to them.

OP posts:
BearFoxBear · 16/09/2015 21:36

He's being a complete arsehole obviously, but apart from that, what's the issue? They have a new home with you, I don't see why it being rented is a problem.

Original poster
MyGastIsFlabbered · 16/09/2015 21:38

I've been homeless, I just don't feel secure in rented accommodation. Plus we've only got 2 bedrooms which is fine while the boys are young, but it's not going to work indefinitely.

OP posts:
Secondtimeround75 · 16/09/2015 21:46

It's not nice but it's what protects his asset best.

I shared a room with two sisters until I was 19, no issue.

what does your solicitor say ?

cadnowyllt · 16/09/2015 21:50

Then you're the better parent to be the primary carer and as the boys grow older, they'd certainly come to need a bedroom of their own. Hopefully, your H will come to realise that. The needs of children is a primary concern for the Courts when reaching settlements

Does H's brother still own a share in the home ? That might make it difficult for a Court to make the sort of property order you'd be looking for - plus, a court doesn't automatically make a 50/50 settlement - it depends on many factors - such as if its a short marriage then the Court might decline to order an inherited house to be transferred to the other spouse.

Shakey15000 · 16/09/2015 21:51

Not a bloke either but as wrecking asked, is the house in both your names? I take it he's contributing financially maintenance wise? Eitherway, yes, ask solicitor.

Original poster
MyGastIsFlabbered · 16/09/2015 21:51

She thinks I'm entitled to half his assets (which is difficult to realise as he co-owns this and another property with his brother) or he moves back out and lets the boys live in their former home until they leave full time education.

I know he's protecting his assets, I'd respect him more if he came out and said that, or even that he didn't want me to get a penny because I'm a bitch, but he's making out he's staying in the house for the sake of the boys; so that if the rented accommodation does go tits up they've got somewhere to live. It just makes me so mad that I can't think straight.

OP posts:
Original poster
MyGastIsFlabbered · 16/09/2015 21:54

The house is in ex and his brothers names. Ever since we've been married he was forever promising to get it changed to ours but it never happened, it was one of the factors that made me finally decide to leave. But my solicitor says that the boys' welfare is most important and that's why I should be entitled to something. The only reason I want anything is so I can buy somewhere for me and the boys so we are secure. If it was just me, I'd happily walk away from it all.

OP posts:
BearFoxBear · 16/09/2015 21:54

Of course you're angry, but there are thousands unopened thousands of families living in rented accommodation and sharing bedrooms (my own included). It's not the end of the world, just not ideal in your eyes.

redstrawberry10 · 16/09/2015 21:55

I suspect he would like to house his kids. What I suspect is the mental block is that what you seem to be implying - that he leaves and you and the kids occupy the house - is a no go for him. he doesn't want you to have the house.

it's not about the kids, I suspect. It's about you.

LookingUpAtTheStars · 16/09/2015 21:56

One bedroom for two boys is perfectly fine, even for teens.

Original poster
MyGastIsFlabbered · 16/09/2015 21:56

I get what you're saying BearFoxBear but why the fuck should his children be sharing a room in a flat (with no garden) whilst he lives in a 3 bedroom semi-detached house (with a huge garden)?

OP posts:
BearFoxBear · 16/09/2015 22:04

I'm not saying that it's right, and in your shoes I'd be angry too, but it's not a catastrophe and would seem to be short term situation for you. So if you were simply saying "my stbxh is being a dick" and looking to vent, then fair enough, but you are making out that a situation that is standard for a large part of the population is intolerable and it's simply not. Get the legal advice, bide your time, and you'll get your own home. It's not an ideal situation - it's unfair, but it's not the end of the world.

Shakey15000 · 16/09/2015 22:08

I guess technically it's only half his house though? I understand what you're saying but if he's contributing to the upbringing of his children and seeing them regularly, them being housed, roof/food/clothes etc then it's (garden aside) reasonable?

I'm assuming you contributed to household bills etc have you any receipts/bank statements to show this for your solicitor? I think it makes it easier in sorting out entitlements to assets etc.

Original poster
MyGastIsFlabbered · 16/09/2015 22:09

No, it's not a catastrophe, if we had to stay in this flat for the next 10 years that would be fine, I was just interested to know what kind of father thinks the situation we're in is acceptable, given the alternative if he'd move out of the house?

OP posts:
BearFoxBear · 16/09/2015 22:25

I'd say one that has probably been advised to do what he's doing. If you made no contribution to the cost of that house (not bills etc, the property itself), and it's co-owned, then as long as he's paying maintenance for your children, I'm struggling to say anything other than he's being selfish and not a particularly good dad (in terms of putting the children through such an upheaval).

Original poster
MyGastIsFlabbered · 17/09/2015 09:23

Thanks for your input. I just find it hard to think rationally at the moment, as far as ex is concerned.

Can I also ask, I know we're all different, but is it usual for the NRP to never telephone to speak to their children? My boys love the telephone and will talk to anyone on it, so it's not reluctance on their part.

OP posts: