It just can’t do it. I can’t get through this winter. We already have no money. We literally don’t have enough to eat this month and I can’t afford my Sertraline prescription. We’re not even low earners but we have historical debt (I know some people on MN are rubbing their hands together in delight that people who are in debt are struggling even more) and we can never get out of it especially now. “D”H won’t talk about it and just ends up shouting at me. I’ve been in floods of tears because he says I have to sell my paddle board which is the only thing I own that’s for me and it helps my mental health so much. He won’t talk to the credit card company and try to work out a payment plan or just offer to pay only 2 weeks late incase it ruins his credit so he’d rather our child starved. It’s that serious and it can only get worse. I had my first panic attack since I was a teenager today probably because I haven’t taken my sertraline since Tuesday. I can’t stop crying but this just makes “D”H more angry and he just keeps coming back to shout at me. It’s his fucking fault we’ve got no money but he just expects me to fix it! He’s got no compassion at all.
I went to Aldi before and bought the bare essentials. Walking around calculating everything in my head and how I could feed DS while spending the least amount of money by buying the cheapest crap. I couldn’t even buy shampoo but plenty of other people had trolleys full of stuff and bunches of flowers etc.
Then to top it all off, a notification came on sky news about people getting the cost of living payment. That’s the exact amount we need to survive this month but of course we’re not entitled.
”D”H jokingly mentioned doing Only Fans yesterday and I bloody well would if I knew how to.
Of course I will sell my paddle board because feeding my child is more important than my own well being but what happens next month? How will we survive? I don’t want to be here when there absolutely no joy in life and we can’t even afford the most basic life and all I do is go round in circles cleaning up after people. What the hell is to become of us this winter? Im just done. I don’t even know why I’m posting but I’ve written it all out now so there we go.